From the Archives: Spoiler Alert

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There are Greeks in the horse. Troy loses.

Still cramming for LitHum and CC? Did you fall asleep last night before you could finish reading Crime and Punishment? Bwog is here to help with another oldie-but-goodie from reading periods past.

It all began when Bwog overheard this conversation:

Freshman Girl: Hey, so how did Pride and Prejudice end?

Freshman Boy: Oh, they get married.

FG: Really? Like her and Darcy?

FB: Like yeah. How did you get into this school anyway?

We realized that many of you Freshman and Sophomore types might not have had the time to do all of your Core reading this semester. It’s tough, with all of those parties to go to other classes to study for and problem sets to do. So, if you’re like Freshman Girl and still aren’t quite sure what happened in the last six weeks of LitHum, or if you still can’t tell a categorical imperative from a social contract, we’re here to help with a few Core spoilers. Happy(?) studying!

Literature Humanities: Masterpieces of Western Literature and Philosophy:

  • Achilles kills Hector.
  • Women are crafty and there’s no such thing as home.
  • Orestes gets away with it.
  • Medea kills her kids and escapes.
  • Jesus faked his death.
  • Aeneas did make it to Rome, after all.
  • Ovid is into roleplay.
  • Saint Augustine confesses and becomes a Saint, duh.
  • Don Quixote was just dreaming.
  • Montaigne has kidney stones.
  • Hell is cold.
  • Raskolnikov goes to Siberia and becomes a Christian.
  • To the Lighthouse is terrible.

Contemporary Civilization:

  • The Republic wasn’t written by Socrates.
  • Imaginary cavemen were nice to each other.
  • Treat others as you would want to be treated, but don’t feel good about it or it doesn’t count.
  • Civilization is meh.
  • Wollstonecraft is a prude.
  • Marx has the best beard—if you throw off the shackles of false consciousness, you can have one, too.
  • Nietzsche has the best mustache—don’t even try, he’s better than you.
  • Freud is thinking about sex.
  • Virginia Woolf will give you three dollars or something if you stop¬†hating on women.
  • Foucault is kinky.

Gift Horse via Wikimedia Commons

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  1. Upset  

    To the Lighthouse is the greatest thing to happen to the Lit Hum syllabus. With the possible exception of Ovid. That is all.

  2. How dare you  

    I'll give you three fucks if you stop hating on Virginia Woolf. To the Lighthouse is one of the best books in the entire LitHum curriculum.

    • Anonymous  

      Bwog: "To The Lighthouse is Terrible"

      Me: How did you get into this school anyway?

      Seriously, whoever wrote this should be embarrassed. I bet his/her favorite book is "Freakonomics" with "Twilight" as a close second.

  3. Prime example  

    of Bwog trying too hard and not being funny.

  4. socrates didn't write the republic?  

    oh man, missed that memo...

  5. CC'14  

    Hansel in "Zoolander" explains my view on Woolf very accurately: "Sting would be another person who's a hero. The music he's created over the years, I don't really listen to it, but the fact that he's making it, I respect that."

    I respect Woolf because she writes very well, and has excellent style. But goddamn is the story boring. Thus, I respect the fact she's written it, but I don't really read her.

  6. Irrelevant anecdote

    A professor once told me that French people pronounce Nietzsche as "Neech." Now whenever I think of Nietzsche, I think of French students running around and waving their arms back and forth shouting NEEEEEEECH.

    Good luck on your finals.

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