Claim to Fame? Writing embarrassing op-eds about sexual habits in the Spec (they’re a rough crowd over there — you should see the comment thread), making a documentary about gay kids in rural Washington State and directing Caligula this semester.
Where are you going? To become a real-life episode of “Girls” in Brooklyn while interning ad infinitum at a lefty documentary company in Chelsea.
Three things you learned at Columbia:
- How to appear to be taking notes in a lecture while actually stalking people on facebook.
- Columbia’s lightly elitist classical hold music repertoire.
- God is dead.
“Back in my day…” The recession was an unfortunate scalp condition, Hawkmedinejad was a thing and Wein was an insane asylum.
Justify your existence in 30 words or less:
(1) I do a shocking Lady Gaga when I’m in drag, and (2) I’m a registered democrat.
Is the War on Fun over? Who won? Any war stories? Of course the War on Fun is over. I’m in the Northwest Corner Science building, leaking out a crappy anthro paper while normal people at other colleges drink and make love. You tell ME who won!!! But honestly, I thought we were winning back in 2008 when I saw Lady Gaga, not yet famous, ride a disco stick. Don’t be jealous.
Would you rather give up oral sex or cheese? Throat cancer vs. weight gain… I choose throat cancer.
Advice for the class of 2016: Don’t believe anyone. “We’ll work it out,” they’ll tell you at some Columbia bureau or another. No they won’t. “Let’s get lunch!” They won’t. “That class is so easy!” No it’s not. “You can be an English major and get employed!” That’s a lie. “Have a nice day!” No.
Any regrets? I wish I was even weirder than I already am. There’s a group of really bizarre, narcissistic, insane gay freshmen out there and I’m rooting for you! Start a movement, be strange, be hopeful and unchain yourself from The Future. Peace out Columbia!