I’ll take care of you… if you ask me to…

Some of the events on Columbia’s calendar may seem out-of-place at the university to an outsider’s eye. Students have been invited to workshops on how to get more sleep, how to have a better sex life, and how to live in small spaces, but though these may seem odd they are definitely (and unfortunately) relevant to most CU students’ lives.

Recently, one workshop in particular caught our eye: “Senior Care Overview” was its vaguely stupefying name. We have come up with a few theories as to the nature of this event, since its description (“Attend this workshop to learn about the various senior care options available”) was less-than-satisfying:

Theory #1: Taking place in the Trustees’ room of Low Library, could this event be an attempt to send a message to some of the more decrepit alumni? Is this a final push to empty the geezers’ pockets before they croak? What kind of “care” will be given to these seniors? Do the doors in that room only lock from the outside?

Theory #2: By inviting current students (any undergrad was welcome to RSVP), Columbia is attempting to hold a speed-dating session of sorts, except instead of romance, interested parties come Seeking Arrangements. It would be hard to leave the room of old, wealthy grads without clinching at least one prospective Sugar Daddy’s business card. Oh yeah, you’ll take care of those seniors (in exchange for Community brunch money, of course).

Theory #3: This event was Columbia’s gentle way of letting us know PrezBo is starting to feel a little old and will be retiring soon! Who will take care of him? This workshop will determine that.

Theory #4: “This workshop is designed to help you understand senior care, assess your loved one’s needs, communicate with loved ones about changing care needs, and identify care options and resources.” But that’s boring, so we choose to dream.

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