Daily Archive: December 21, 2016

Dec

21

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When Ann Thornton asks a band alum to donate to the library...

When Ann Thornton asks a band alum to donate to the library…

It’s been eight days since the Marching Band announced that they had been banned from playing Orgo Night in Butler 209 this semester – an edict that originated in the devious mind of Vice Provost and Head Librarian Ann Thornton. Senior Staffer (and Band member) Betsy Ladyzhets tried to get into that very mind by imagining what Ann Thornton’s life must be like, now that Orgo Night is over and most “disruptive” marching band members have migrated off campus.

5:29 pm

Headed home for the night! Time to not think about administrative meetings or official documentation for a few hours, and maybe watch a Netflix documentary.

5:31 pm

Shit, did I remember to send that email to Dean Kromm? I know she so values my opinions about which groups should and shouldn’t be allowed to hold events on the lawns…

5:33 pm

It’s fine, I can send it tomorrow.

5:57 pm

The subway gets more and more disgusting every week. There should be designated different cars – one for people who want to gossip with their friends, one for people who want to loud, ear-damaging music, and one for people who actually want to spend their time in a productive way. I’m going to write a strongly worded letter to the MTA.

6:18 pm

Did someone… poop… on my doorstep?

Did someone poop?!

Dec

21

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her name is probably Ashley or Haley

her name is probably Ashley or Haley

Today, we have a female Tinder Archetype for you! Bwogger Leo Bevilacqua writes about the charming, although almost unbearably loquacious, classic sorority girl that you might find on your screen.

The sorority girl’s first photo will be a selfie with either the Snapchat flower crown or dog filter (the first in an array of over-edited pictures). Count on there being at least two photos of her with all her sisters, cause you know ‘sisterhood’ is the reason she joined a srat (first you become a part of it, then it becomes a part of you). There will be a few pictures in front of wall murals in Soho or some paintings in the Met cause she’s cultured like that, despite her favorite vineyard being Franzia. Decked out in her finest Lilly Pulitzer, Calypso, Vineyard Vines, and Madewell, she’ll convince you that pastels never looked so good. On the oft chance that there’s a bikini pic, it will be at St. Barth’s, Key’s Largo, Cabo, or the Hamptons. The cool sorority girl may have a photo or two at one of NYC’s ‘hottest’ clubs and bars, such as Catch, Le Bain, Goldbar, Paul’s Baby Grande, Blond, and Lavo. Her photographs exude of artificially arranged classiness, as does her Instagram linked to her profile.

Her profile will include a Dr. Seuss quotation along the lines of “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened,” as well as her major, which will most likely be psych. Her Spotify playlist will include anything from Drake to St. Vincent, demonstrating tremendous range in her cultural interests. In the rare event that you match, expect to get cocktails or food at a variety of Manhattan’s best restaurants (i.e. Acme, Gari, etc.). This is not a girl you can satisfy with a simple Vodka Cran at 1020. If she’s southern, you might find in her profile a biblical quote or two or three, most likely from Romans. However, don’t be fooled by her generic, bland bio, as she may actually be sporting a rocking internship at NBC, Vanity Fair, and the like. The srat girl may have no chill, but who’s to say that’s a bad thing? This girl is gorgeous, classy, and popular, and she knows it. Her expectations of her Tinder suitors are astronomical, and her right swipe ratio might be lower than Columbia’s acceptance rate. The world is her oyster and if having a strong, independent, girl who could drink you under the table is a problem, then step aside.

sorority girl via Nikki Shaner-Bradford

Dec

21

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img_4135Typically, finding a a seat in The Reference Room (also known by its street name “Ref”), can be as challenging as surviving Columbia’s demanding curriculum. However, during finals it’s impossible to secure a seat if you don’t head to Butler before 8 am. I’ve learned a few things after spending more time here than in my actual living quarters, and have figured out exactly what you need to leave at your seat to ensure a random sophomore won’t be there typing their CC paper when you get back.

  1. An open folder: The folder could literally be full of information pamphlets about Butler itself. Doesn’t matter what’s inside; just make sure it’s left open. It will take up more space, and will leave the impression that you’ll be back so soon, you didn’t even think to close the folder.
  2. Multiple open notebooks: Honestly one of those Moleskins is from last semester. But look at how studious I seem with two of them– both open– stacked on top of each other. Give off the impression that you need to be studying here.
  3. A candle: Butler gets stinky during finals so I actually bring a candle for when the people who actually haven’t left the library in days decide to congregate in Ref. But it also looks intimidating– who wants to displace someone who brought a candle? This leaves the impression that you plan on moving in.
  4. A half-eaten snack: Mostly because people don’t like to handle half eaten food and will be less inclined to displace someone who left behind food. Leave off the impression that you’re gross.
  5. Multiple perishable drinks: This is less-so you look gross (read #4) and more-so you look like you’re coming back. No one wants to drink a smoothie/ Naked Juice it it has been sitting for longer than 20 minutes. These have the same effect as the open notebook; it leaves the impression that you’ll be right back.
  6. A Bag: A big, concrete object like a backpack or tote bag signifies that you’re still in the building, or that you can’t be too far, because who can live their life without their bag? This sends a strong impression to Butler dwellers that not only will you be back, but you’re probably nearby and would see them displacing you (a displacer’s worst nightmare tbh). A coat, sweatshirt, or even bra will send off a similar message if you didn’t plan this step out well enough before you packed for your library trip.
  7. Multiple pencil bags: Who has three extra pencil bags and needs all of them while studying? Send off the impression that you’re crazy.
  8. Chapstick: Again, this appeals to the “gross” impression that you’re trying to give off. No one wants to move someone’s chapstick. Plus it’s so small, it could get lost during displacement, so the camper could cause a scene if one of their belongings is missing.
  9. Random bullshit: That’s a walkie talkie. Show people that you’re so desperate to save this seat that you’ll leave a walkie talkie.
  10. Someone else’s mess: Make your camp so large that it spills into that of the person next to you. The displacer won’t know what’s what and will get frustrated and give up. Give the impression that you’re complicated.

Dec

21

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Hannah (guttural "H")

Hannah (guttural “H”)

Name, School, Major, Hometown: Hannah (guttural “H”) Vaitsblit, Barnard College, Political Science (soon to be renamed “pseudoscience” for its less-than-stellar predictive capacity), Brookline, MA

Claim to fame: As of last week: co-sponsored a dissident revolt against the proposed Orwellian purge of Overheard @ Barnard, after consistently firing shots against the group’s fascist enforcement of identity politics and censorship. (Screenshot documentation of said censorship upon request). Finally dished enough sarcasm to get myself kicked out––an exile I am embracing as I join the least safe space of all, the real world.

Where are you going? Wherever capitalism and liberty thrive and the male-female ratio works out better in my favor. (In other words, far away from here.)

Groupthink, Judaism, and more after the jump

Dec

21

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when you want to go to 1020 but have to study

when you want to go to 1020 but have to study

Bwogline: Certified final results for the 2016 presidential election are in. Hillary Clinton won 2,864,974 more votes than Donald Trump, meaning that she now has by far the largest ever margin of victory in the popular vote for a candidate who did not win the election. This news continues doubts surrounding the efficacy and purpose of the Electoral College. (The Huffington Post)

Study Tip: Call home! Whether or not you’re returning home this break, making a phone call and hearing the voices of your loved ones will remind you of the support and love that you can always count on. It’s okay to complain about your schoolwork for a bit, but be sure to ask about what’s going on at home. This conversation will provide a refreshing break that will re-motivate you to study.

Music: It might not feel like it (for those of you still taking finals), but we’re deep in the holiday season! Cozy up to Tchaikovsky’s classy Nutcracker soundtrack, whether you’re studying late at night in Butler, or sipping hot chocolate in bed back at home.

Don’t miss the beautiful Pas de Deux (“Sugar Plum Fairy and a Cavalier”) – it’s one of our favorites!

Procrastination: Get started on your New Year’s resolutions! Whether it’s to do all your readings for a particular class next semester (lol), to explore your sexuality, or to go to Dodge for the first time, now is the time to start coming up with ideas.

On a more serious note, make a list of the people you’re thankful to have in your life! This holiday season, be sure to write a card, get a present, or at least let them know how much they mean to you.

Overseen: (see featured image) If you can’t go to the party, bring the party to you.

picture of a partying butlerite via Connie Blumenthal

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