Back of the Envelope: How Much Vomit Will JJ’s Staff Clean Up This Year?
Written by Nadra Rahman
In the days of yore, the only food you could scarf down after a night of debauchery was (1) halal, (2) Koronet’s, or (3) Roti Roll, the holy trinity of grease-filled comfort food. As of this month, we can add a fourth destination for those stumbling home from a night out: JJ’s Place, revamped, revitalized, and now open from 12 pm to 10 am, every day of the week. This change is accompanied by several implications for the beleaguered, and unfailingly cheerful, staff of JJ’s Place. Namely: they will have to clean up the puke of freshmen (and juvenile upperclassmen). How much will they have to take, and will their smiles turn upside down?
- Assume 85% of Columbia freshmen were unbelievably uncool in high school, to the extent that they (compensate and) start off the school year by going out every weekend and drinking to excess. This number goes down to 65% within a month of each semester’s start, reaches a nadir of 30% during midterms and finals, and otherwise fluctuates throughout each semester.
- Of the remaining 15% of students, assume 5% drink to excess once a semester, when in a pit of despair.
- Assume 50% of freshmen are light-weights, 25% are heavy-weights, and another 25% are ultra light-weights.
- Of the “heavy-weights,” assume 5% never drink alcohol and only adopt the pretense of high tolerance to impress NSOP friends.
- Consider that SEAS freshmen will fall into two camps. 20% will book study rooms in NoCo, pirate textbooks, and make offerings to a Bored@Butler memorial all weekend, every weekend. 80% will drown self-hate with prurient pleasures every other weekend.
- Add one drink per unfinished/faked reading, spurned ex spotted across campus during the week, or uninformed diatribe spouted by a classmate during class. Add one-half drink per shut down (frat) party, lost jacket, or aborted attempt to flirt.
- Subtract one drink (drink water) per instance of (electronic) parental contact.
- Add a factor of 2.5 to calculations for the day of Bacchanal (3 if the weather is sunny).
- Assume that sophomores, juniors, seniors, and super-seniors are half as likely to go out, puke, etc. as their younger counterparts.
- Exclude GS.
- Assume each person who drinks past their limit produces half a quart of vomit.
- 2,200 first-years * 0.8 = 1,760 half-quarts = 440 gallons of vomit (remember, there are repeat offenders)
- ~3,800 other students * 0.4 = 1,520 half-quarts = 380 gallons of vomit
- 440 + 380 = 820 gallons of vomit
- JJ’s staff will have to clean up a lot of vomit and deserve a pay raise.
- Columbia should admit cooler people.
- JJ’s knows how to throw down better than any of our frats.
- Don’t drink until you are of age.
Hangover cure burger thanks to Wikimedia Commons