So You Hate Your Roommate…

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Where you’ll inevitably get into a drunken fight with your froomie.

Now that we’ve all been back on campus for a few weeks, roommate troubles are starting to become apparent (how’s that ten person suite, Carman?). You don’t get along, your room is constantly sticky, and their taste in music sucks. Here’s some advice on what to do if you hate your roommate. 

  • Steal those red velvet walkway dividers from the Lerner ramp outside Ferris. Put them up in the middle of your room so that there is a clear divide between your side of the room and theirs.
  • Cover all your furniture in plastic wrap like old people. That way, when your roommate pukes all over your bed, it’s easy cleanup.
  • Passive aggressively always leave the door open whenever you leave the room instead of closing it behind you. Tell your roommate it’s because you’re just trying to create a more open atmosphere in your suite.
  • Keep using their shampoo. It’s your way of milking off them while still keeping it (somewhat) discreet.
  • Get a significant other so that you can just spend the night at their place. Then come back every morning at 8 am and loudly rummage through your drawers before taking a really long shower where you use all the hot water.
  • Listen to music on your headphones so as not to disturb your roommate. But, don’t forget to turn the volume all the way up so they can still hear the twangy rumblings of your Spotify Daily Mix 2 as they try to fall asleep.
  • Label everything, so that they don’t try to steal your stuff. Simply take a Sharpie and write “MINE” on every single one of your possessions.
  • Study at really odd hours of the day. Insist on turning on the lamp at 4 am so you can catch up on the Odyssey. Maybe this will persuade your roommate to just give you their notes instead so you can turn the damn light off and they can go the fuck to sleep.
  • Never replace the toilet paper roll in the bathroom. Just leave the new roll propped up on the empty toilet paper holder. This will assert your dominance as The Worst.
  • Come back to the room super drunk at 2 am every single Friday night. Wake your roommate up by stumbling over everything and loudly puking in the bathroom. This way they’ll know how Fun™ you are.
  • Finally, if worst comes to worst, have an honest and open conversation with your roommate. Try to come up with compromises and solutions that are fair for both of you. Maybe even ask your RA for help mediating. This is the last resort!

Carman Hall it doesn’t get better via Columbia Housing

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1 Comment

  1. Megan  

    I'm really offended by this article

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