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Dec

14

An Unofficial Ranking Of Frat Party Jungle Juices

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Disclaimer (added 12/16/17, 5 pm): this article is entirely comedic in nature, and does not intend to give definitive portrayals of any particular frats, or implicate any particular frats in amoral behavior. Also, Bwog does not condone underage drinking, especially of jungle juice; form your own rankings at your own risk.

Beta (Price: Pride)
Don’t bother reading this review – they never have enough jungle juice anyway. I truly appreciate Beta’s dedication to replicating the taste of cough syrup and their improvisational skills (I’ve been served a beer & Kool-Aid mix before). Tightly focused drink with a core of vodka and infused with the rich fruity flavor of Kool-Aid racing through.

Literal jungle juice.

Bartender charisma: ★★★★☆
Experience: ★★★★★
Jungle juice: ★★☆☆☆

Casa Latina (Price: Waiting 30 minutes for an EC swipe in)
My most memorable sexual experiences have happened under the influence of their jungle juice, though I keep awkwardly running into my hot TA there. A bubbly experience with a sophisticated, lingering citric taste. Lightly steeped with Sprite and a velvety finish.

Music: ★★★★★
Jungle juice: ★★★★★
How badly I want to fuck my TA: ★★★★★

Fiji (Price: A brownstone)
An elegant polygamous marriage of vodka, sprite, and Kool-Aid. The gentle, yet persistent assertion of fruit punch in this mix arouses a refined metallic aroma usually attending the canned experience of Kool-Aid.

Freshmen appeal: ★★★★★
Cleanliness: ★☆☆☆☆
Jungle juice: ★★★★★

Sig Nu (Price: Calling 3 different friends to figure out where it is)
Solid taste, delivering savory citrus elements, though unpleasantly presented with its off-brand millennial pink. Not showy, but delicate. Definitely worth coming back for, with its addictive well-structured fruity elements.

Jungle juice: ★★★★★
Color: ★★★☆☆
My ability to distinguish this Sig from the others: ★☆☆☆☆

Sig Chi (Price: Flirting with the stoop boys)
A gripping combination of rich fruity flavors that whisks you away to a Venetian seaside if it were not for the grounding presence of distinct Frat Smells and Frat Boys. The light tequila edge underscores the fragile balance between classy and trashy.

Jungle juice: ★★★★★
Men over 6 feet: ★★★★★
Attractive men over 6 feet: ★★☆☆☆

Sig Ep (Price: Consciousness)
Blackout.

DSig (Price: Overcrowdedness)
Described by one Bwogger as “orange juice with Gatorade with a side of regret.” A ripe flavor, with a kiss of Valencia oranges amid the battling dominance of liquors.

School spirit: ★★★★★
Jungle juice: ★★★☆☆
How much moms love DSig: ★★★★★

Lambda (Price: Getting yelled at by the stoop boys)
A citric journey reminiscent of grape Emergen-C, boasting meshed flavors of water and cheap vodka. They did not respond well to me asking if I could get a Fast Pass for being Asian.

Jungle juice:★★☆☆☆
Music: ★★★☆☆
Wait: ★☆☆☆☆

KDR (Price: Public Safety’s scrutiny)
I’ve never even had KDR jungle juice but that’s probably because their parties get shut down within the hour. Had to drink wine out of a bag once because it was all they had left and I never looked back.

Music: ★★★★★
Availability of elevated surfaces: ★★★★★
Jungle juice: ?????

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