Jan

26

What Would Have Happened if Timotheé Chalamet Hadn’t Dropped Out of Columbia?

Written by

The sadboi himself

Lucy Danger (who loves Call Me By Your Name and Timotheé Chalamet, mostly unironically) and Idris O’Neill (who hasn’t seen it, doesn’t care to, and just wants to make fun of him) contributed to this post.

If you loved Call Me By Your Name (or Lady Bird) as much as I did, you probably know that Timothee Chalamet was once a student at Columbia. He grew up in New York, and after filming Interstellar – in which he played Matthew McConaughey’s character’s son – he spent a year here before dropping out because, according to him, “Columbia takes a wholehearted academic commitment that I think I have in me, but it was just not where my mind was at the time.” (If he had stayed longer, he might have learned that most of us are just BSing that whole “academic commitment” thing, but that’s besides the point.) He went on to play a part in a Jason Reitman movie, and is now in two of the biggest movies of 2017. But what would have happened if he had stayed at Columbia? What dorms would he have lived in? What clubs would he have joined? What parties would he have frequented? And most importantly, would he have been the first person that Bwog peoplehopped a second time?

Freshman year:

  • Lives in a single in John Jay because he’s an artsy antisocial sadboy
  • Has no friends for all of first semester because he missed NSOP for movie-related activities (actually happened)
  • Actually reads every book assigned in LitHum (and actually enjoys them)
  • Goes to 1020 alone every Thursday night and stands in the corner of EC parties reading a book on his phone
  • Rushes ADP first semester and doesn’t get in because nobody knows who he is
  • Stars in every theater production possible but still nobody knows who he is
  • Gets featured on Columbia Sadboys; all the comments read “whats his @ lol”

Sophomore year:

  • Becomes an RA and everyone in his hall refuses to call him anything but “Tom” (his character’s name in Interstellar)
  • Is that one guy in ArtHum and CC that never shuts up about “how much the classics can teach us”
  • His ArtHum project is just portraits of him at the Met.
  • Raises his hand in every gender studies class he takes at Barnard and everyone is like “…but you don’t get it….”
  • Subsequently starts trying to pick up Barnard girls to fill his artsy pretentious type. About 80% of them fall for it.
  • Rushes ADP again and gets in this time
  • Subsequently starts spending all his time at ADP and smoking outside of Butler

Junior year:

  • Writes an op ed for Spec about how underappreciated artists are on campus
  • Joins Hoot and models at a shoot in a Harlem. The issue’s theme is “juxtapose.” His next Instagram caption reads: “so blessed to have been part of the hoot shoot [praying hands emoji]”
  • Starts the Columbia boys wearing Barnard sweaters trend on accident because he stole one from a SigNu party
  • Brings girls to Liz’s Place on dates and asks them to pay with their points (because he believes in feminism)
  • Instead of starring in Call Me By Your Name, he just fucks his male film TA
  • Still films Lady Bird and basically every straight girl at Barnard wants to date him

Senior year:

  • Drops out and transfers to NYU anyway
  • Doesn’t tell anyone and people only realize when the news comes out that he’s doing a Woody Allen movie and student groups organize a protest
  • Keeps coming to campus bars like 1020
  • His acting career flops because of the Woody Allen movie and because he was too busy with school to do Call Me By Your Name
  • Becomes a painter and wins an award for his work about youth and sexual exploration, entitled, “Peach.”
  • Moves to Italy and marries a French grad student, CU ’14

Photo via Wikipedia

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3 Comments

  1. claire adler  

    anti men pro bwog pro vodka: today we dance

  2. claire adler  

    anti men pro bwog pro vodka: today we dance,,,

  3. This is incredibly offensive

    Please remove this -- Timotheé Chalamet isn't something that should be turned into a punchline.

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