Unanswered question: Why do the gym and the arts building have the same name?

Columbia is a confusing place. Despite the relatively small size of its campus, it’s still much larger than Barnard’s, with way more buildings named after now dead rich white men. As a Barnard first-year, I haven’t had all that much reason to spend a lot of time at Columbia other than at the dining halls and EC parties, and I try to cross Broadway to that side as little as possible. Thus, now, even in the second semester, I find myself texting group chats “Where’s Wien again?” and “How do I get to Schermerhorn?” So, with the help of some Columbia Bwoggers, here’s a convenient explanation of Columbia’s campus for Barnard students who try to go there as little as possible – for the times when you have no other choice.

Wien: Looking at the entrance of EC, fondly thinking back on the hours you’ve spent waiting to get signed in there, look to the right and take the dark and mysterious stairway down. Turn around when you get down and you’ll be in the Wien Courtyard. Rumor has it that sophomores who enter Wien never come out until junior year.

Schermerhorn: First of all, why is it spelled like that? How on earth do you pronounce it? Milbank would never do that to us. Anyway, begin your journey there on Low Steps. Go up and to the right, and look for the big chapel under construction. With the chapel on your right, go straight and look for the quad (no, not the home for Barnard first-years you miss so much). On the North (uptown) end of the quad is Schermerhorn. To get to Schermerhorn extension, because apparently one wasn’t enough, enter the building and go towards the elevators, then turn right and follow the hallway.

Mathematics: Again, a bad name for a building, whether or not you like math. Anyway, leaving Barnard Hall with sadness in your heart, cross the street to the 117th gates and go up the stairs. Take a left, and Mathematics is the building on your left. Enter and make sure to take a seat by the window to look longingly back at your home.

Pupin & Schapiro: There are two Schapiros, because for some reason the men at Columbia can’t think of literally any other name. Schapiro the dorm is on 115th, on the north side between Broadway and Riverside. To get to Schapiro CEPSR, the class building, start at Low and walk up the stairs and North, keeping to the left of Low. Follow the path, passing the underground entrance and onto the faux-wood plaza. Pupin is in front of you, and Schapiro is to the right of Pupin.

Uris: The building directly behind Low when facing Low from the steps. It has the big curly black statue in front of it, which will never be as beautiful as the Athena statue, even when she’s wrapped up in paper.

Mudd: Start as Low and walk North using the path on the right side of Low. Follow this path as far as it goes, passing Uris and under the stairway. Mudd is at the end of this path, with the sculpture of a person in front of it.

Dodge Gym: One of the two (again, no creativity) buildings named after the Hartley Dodge family, who also hold major ownership in Remington Arms – yay. Travel North on the left side of Low, follow the path past Low and look for the stairs leading down. They do not lead into hell; take them down and you’ll be at the gym wishing you were back at the cute little Barnard gym.

Art Dodge: Going left of Low, look for the cloud of anemic-looking boys smoking boys smoking cigarettes, the kind who say “I wish I could go to Barnard” and probably hate Columbia as much as you do.

Lewisohn: Take the 117th Street gate across from Barnard Hall to Columbia. Go up the stairs and to the right. Lewisohn will be on your right, but it will never be as “right” in your heart as Barnard.

Philosophy: Again, not a good name. Start on Low Steps, looking at Low. Head directly right until you can’t go any further. You’ll be in front of Philosophy, marked by the sculpture of The Thinker. Get there early so that you can think with it about how much you would rather be back at Barnard.

Havemeyer: Take the 117th Street gate, go up the stairs and to the left, and Havemeyer will be about 100 yards in front of you, with Mathematics on your left.

Fayerweather: Though it isn’t “fayer” that you have to go there at all, start on Low Steps. Go up and to the right, and look for the big chapel under construction, much like the Milstein Center at Barnard, where you would much rather be. North of the chapel is a quad, and on the right side of it is Fayerweather.

Kent: Start on Low Steps and take the stairs on the right side. Kent is the building on your right, so even further away from Barnard than you thought.

Law: From Low Steps, go up the stairs on the right, then up to the plaza above Amsterdam, as though you’re going to an EC party. Unfortunately, you’re not, so look for the building right in front of you with the big horse-knot statue on it, and SIPA is the one across from that, with the big underground courtyard in front of it.

Hopefully, this is helpful the next time you have no choice but to go to Columbia. However, ideally, you’ll have to use them as infrequently as possible. Good luck.

Image via Wikimedia Commons