How To Beat The Heat
Written by Sarah Kinney
We get it: it’s hot out. Like, really fucking hot. Like global warming is an evil, sweaty monster who points and laughs whenever our parents/the administration looks at us and says, “We survived the city without AC in our day!” Okay, yes, but back then it wasn’t 90º all through September. Sigh. Rant over. Anyway, we here at Bwog have compiled a helpful list complete with ways to beat the heat this week.
- Lie on the ground naked on a pile of your clothes like a rat on her trash pile.
- Eat celery. (Thanks, Barnard.)
- Pretend to be pregnant but the baby is just an electric fan you’re hiding under your shirt.
- Downgrade to a smaller, cooler dorm (your fridge).
- Run around naked.
- Jump into the fountains of premature ejaculation.
- Stay in Lerner all day.
- Put your face underneath the eco-friendly hand dryers in the bathroom.
- Take a cold shower every half an hour.
- Buy an ice mask and wear it around your room.
- Place a big bowl of ice in front of your fan and wait approximately three minutes until it all melts.
- Go to Butler and find those perimeter shelves where you can lay over the AC.
- Desperately text an old random hookup whom you know has AC and convince them to invite you over.
- Email Columbia Housing and bitch and moan until they agree to install AC in all our damn dorms.
- Steal cups full of ice from Ferris and continuously rub the ice all over your face during class.
Photo via Pixabay