Summer, Sex, & Salacious Students
Written by Bwog Staff
Disclaimer (added 9/29/18, 6:40 pm): This post compiles field notes from Bwog staffers over the summer and presents them in a Gossip Girl-style parody.
Hey Morningside Heights dwellers. Gossip Bwog here. And do I have the biggest news for you. I bet you’re wondering why it has taken me such a long time to upload but truth be told, I was taking some time away from the textbooks for some much-needed R & R. However, what would an Ivy League education be if we didn’t share secrets with our companions?
While Chuck, Serena, Dan, and Blair remain fiction, this is very much real. Just like the little birdies who have been (consensually — Gossip Bwog is very respectful of privacy) spilling their stories from the past summer months. You didn’t hear it from me, but it sounds like our resident Columbia students have been a somewhat active community this break.
The word on the street is that where there happens to be illegal alcohol consumption, questionable intellect and daddy’s trust funds, hedonism is always present. A big kudos to the Barnard girls for being autonomous and proving you can be a strong independent woman while owning your sexuality.
Although I’ve always had a preference for the ‘dating before mating,’ it appears some people don’t agree. What would a trip to New York City be without finding a Harvard boy in Koreatown and getting rather frisky in the backseat? More than anything, Gossip Bwog feel sorry for the driver! If you are in any way inclined to do the same, I can report her Uber rating is at a solid 4.87 so don’t worry about getting declined from your favourite late-night app ladies and gents.
New York isn’t the only city that never sleeps. The same applies to its residents when they finally fly home. Breaking up with high-school boyfriend has been a rampant trend around campus. College time is a time for fresh experiences and that means out with the old and in with the new, just like throwing out those horrible last season Prada heels. C’mon guys, you’re Upper West Side; it’s Givenchy or nothing. Would you keep that Prada in your walk-in wardrobe if all they did was give you blisters? The same applies here: look forward and don’t look back. However, we feel sympathetic towards those whose exes happen to be residing in the same university as them — try your hardest not to throw JJ’s fro-yo at them. I promise you it would be a total waste of quality dessert. That being said, if you do feel the need for a sneaky bit of revenge, please send us your cunning manoeuvres. We all love a juicy catfight.
Now I’m back on campus, I personally favour libraries for the quiet consumption of academic content. However, a couple of juniors have kindly disclosed that they booked one of the private Milstein Center study-rooms for a little more than algebra. I’ll do some math for you: Girl + Boy = . . . It seems the biology assignment they swore they were doing was less lab report and more physical experiment. I always thought the best spot on campus for a saucy tête-à-tête was Butler’s stacks or Hartley’s sky lounge but even Gossip Bwog can be proven wrong. Better get booking, Morningside Heights dwellers, or those rooms will be full before you know it.
Barnard students may be upping the ante but the same goes for the other sides of the Columbia gates. Social events have been grounds for weeding out the fake Chanel from the real Gucci to earn you an invitation into the not-so-secret St. A’s society. We have all been intrigued to see who will get ‘tapped’ this year, but unfortunately, my lips are sealed. What I can tell you is that it’s limited to the most elite of the international intakes. Any questions about how to get in?
From what I hear, and may have experienced, inclusion comprises of getting selected from your other fresh-faced first years. How? It’s down to how hard you party and how much you $pla$h your ca$h. Invitations for cocktails and then more exclusive dinners are all part of the process. Your international high school’s reputation is a big factor, with many members hailing from St. Paul’s, Godolphin & Latymer and Eton in the United Kingdom with Andover and Exeter in the United States. Dress code, while understated, is rumoured to be another large deciding factor. Unless you’re wearing a thousand dollar’s worth of designer bling to John Jay, you aren’t likely to get the memo. Sorry to those who have already blown their budget on WKDs – if it isn’t Prada then it’s nada. Once enrollment is over, you can rely on Gossip Bwog to get the dirty details on those ‘lucky’ enough to qualify. Until then…
Finally, I myself? They do say sharing is caring. All I can reveal is that the son of a Saudi Arabian sheikh and pool were involved. And a London park. And a Cambodian hotel. And even an onlooker… If he doesn’t fly to your home country in his private jet for your goodbye party, what’s the point in even bothering? Even Gossip Bwog breaks her dating rules when it comes to champagne in bed and a tanned six-pack to wake up to. Yet it is important to remember you’re a Columbian. Butler over bonking, law library over love-making, friends over fornication and midterms over mating. Don’t compromise for someone who doesn’t appreciate you and your busy schedule.
If this isn’t enough to whet your well-tuned taste buds, know that I will always have the hottest news on 116 Street. You’re nobody until you’re talked about. And the only people who can get that chatter going is Bwog: email@example.com. I’ll be back soon once I’ve kicked my essays to the curb and then no-one will be safe…
XOXO Gossip Bwog
Photo via Pexel