at graduation you thought this was gonna be y’all. psych lol college changed you.

It’s that time of year… we’re not saying long distance is fake, but how likely is it that you met the love of your life at age 16?

It’s been approximately a month and a half into school, and you’re finally getting tired of those five hour-long Facetime calls where you watch each other do laundry and rant about your psychology professors. Despite enjoying the privilege of telling people “I’m dating someone” when a snap code is offered to you at EC, you’ve got to admit to yourself: you really, really didn’t mean it when you said that you’d be with each other forever or that they’re your moon and stars while you clutched your diploma and cigar at graduation. Here are the ten stages of breaking up with the person everyone back home thought you were going to marry:

  1. You’ve made a list of pros and cons of dating them. Pros: you can tell people you have a significant other. Cons: they’re really not that significant anymore.
  2. You listen to a lot of Party Favor by Billie Eilish.
  3. You draft your breakup letter to them with lyrics from Party Favor by Billie Eilish.
  4. You spend the early hours of your morning talking to your roommate about how “I just don’t really feel that special when we’re together. Plus, we’re not even that together.”
  5. You decide that a breakup letter is way too much effort, and they’d probably only get it in 3-5 business days anyways.
  6. You decide to break up over text with them.
  7. You google “How to break up with someone over text” and the first article you read tells you not to break up with someone over text.
  8. Great, now you have to call them.
  9. “In an ideal world, we’d be together right now… But it’s not you; it’s me” and all that other bullshit.” (But really, you know it’s neither them nor you– it’s really nothing. Just like your relationship.) You say as you eat Cheetos and curl up against the wall of your hallways, “Maybe you should try dating someone else to get over me. Branch out. How about that Samantha girl from your University Writing class?”
  10. You redownload Tinder.

your shattered hopes and dreams via pixabay