He survived beatings, shootings, stabbings and poisonings, but not the transition to theater.

Thanks to rush tickets, you’re only an early morning and $39 away from seeing any show on Broadway. But how do you know it’s worth it? Bwog offers a handy guide to which musical or play you’re sure to like, according to your favorite meal spot on campus.

John Jay – Anastasia

You’ve been wandering in the frozen wastes of St. Petersburg for what seems like years, your memory a sea of blankness – wait, no, you’re just standing in front of the air conditioners. If you’re a fan of the dining hall with the most early-20th century architecture and the longest tables, you’re probably full of nostalgia and a healthy appreciation for communism. Go see Anastasia. It may have cut out Russia’s greatest love machine, but you’ll be humming “Ra Ra Rasputin” the whole time anyway.

JJ’s – Pretty Woman
Let’s be real: you’re not here for substance. You want something hot, fast and satisfying. You’re probably drunk and horny, which is the ideal mindset for seeing Pretty Woman. Is the plot good? No. Is Samantha Barks unbelievably gorgeous and talented? Yes. Are you over your Les Misérables phase? Probably not. Should you get another order of curly fries? If God can’t stop you, neither can I.

Diana – The Lifespan of a Fact
You are paralyzed by indecision. You have a paper due in 3 hours and you can’t figure out whether or not a soda, two orders of fries and a large salad packed into a small box counts as a single meal swipe. If your Twitter is anything to go by, you LOVE Harry Potter but HATE J.K. Rowling, so Cursed Child is out of the question. Instead, watch Daniel Radcliffe be paralyzed by indecision for 2 hours in a very competent American accent. Grab some cookies on your way to the theater. No, wait! The cookies are an entrée! THE COOKIES ARE AN ENTRÉE!!!

Ferris – The Prom
You appreciate bright colors, bodily flexibility, and dazzling displays of treats. You’ll stick to the basics (pasta bowl) with a sprinkle of the new on top (olive-pesto-pineapple? Why not!) You are either straight or just a little gay, making The Prom’s watered-down but overwhelmingly positive message of acceptance just right for you.  Next time you’re waiting in that long pasta line, snap up some tickets for a heartwarming show about a high schooler who wants to take her girlfriend to prom, and the Broadway stars who swoop in to make everything worse.

Hewitt – Waitress
Maybe you’re disillusioned. Maybe you’re stuck. Maybe you’re a simple woman/Jew/confused prospie looking for the residence hall, and all you want is some conversation and a home-baked dessert made with love. Waitress is the underrated, surprisingly dirty musical that’s perfect for lovers of an underrated, surprisingly dirty (or is it?) dining hall.

Bonus: Milstein Coffee Bar – The Band’s Visit
Your class schedule said MIL. You ended up in Milstein instead of Milbank. The only thing worse would be mixing up Petah Tikvah with Beit Hatikvah and winding up in a small town in the middle of the desert, where you and your bandmates form unlikely friendships with disillusioned Israelis through the power of music. All will end in love, understanding and/or old avocado toast.

A cat that really was gone via Wikimedia Commons