gatsby’s green light: the JJ’s sign

You probably have a shit load of papers due this week and won’t have time to eat dinner during “normal people” hours. Or maybe a drunken version of yourself with suddenly crave a quesadilla. Whoever you are, you’ll probably find yourself at JJ’s sometime this weekend, and trust me, I already know what you’re gonna go for.

Aries

Ditch the tiny plastic cups and fill a paper salad bowl with soft serve ice cream. You deserve it. Just don’t make eye contact with anyone while you do it if you can’t handle gazes of judgment.

Taurus

You will be overwhelmingly tempted to squirt ketchup directly from the bottle into your mouth. Do not give in. I repeat: do not give in.

Gemini

The sight of French fries and that chocolate frostline stuff will give you flashbacks to Wendy’s, and you will have yourself a blissful meal for one. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, I feel sorry for you. Go to your nearest Wendy’s and show them this post. They’ll help you out. (JJ’s is not the place to lose your fries dipped in Frosty virginity. You have to start with the OG.)

Cancer

Trying to convince yourself that “JJ’s has pretty good healthy options, too!”, you will smile through the pain as you scrape the ice-caked lettuce out of the salad bar. No amount of dressing will be able to fix it. After a few bites, you will resign to a plate of fries.

Leo

You will eat at JJ’s for two out of every three meals you consume this weekend. Enjoy it. Embrace it. Revel in it.

Virgo

Sick of your usual lunch routine, you decide to attend JJ’s for your midday meal. Approaching the stairs, you will realize that eating JJ’s during daylight hours is basically admitting to the world that you’re throwing in the towel. If you accept these terms, proceed. If not, John Jay is right around the corner.

Libra

Your friend will drag you to JJ’s with them so they won’t have to go alone at 2am. Although not hungry, you will still eat three chocolate chip pancakes and not regret a single thing.

Scorpio

For every assignment/exam you disappointed yourself on this week, you will consume one (1) serving of mozzarella sticks. They’re not even serving the good ones with the stretchy cheese tonight, but you’ve run out of cares to spare. You’re unstoppable. But plan on investing in some Lactaid chewables, because even lactose TOLERANT stomachs won’t be able to handle that much abuse.

Sagittarius

Feeling adventurous, you’ll consider that strangely brightly colored, veggie wrap they serve next to the burgers. It’ll be good for the first few bites, but once it cools down the texture begins to resemble veggie-flavored rubber. Save your taste buds and just stick with french fries.

Capricorn

Stuff your pockets with fortune cookies. Literally as many as you can fit. Just do it. Run.

Aquarius

Are fries and chocolate syrup a good combination? I dare you to find out.

Pisces

Despite your intentions to eat healthy this week, you will cave upon seeing a tray of especially tempting chicken fingers. And fries. And hell, maybe every a burger. And maybe even help yourself to some ice cream when you’re done. You might as well start pregaming for Thanksgiving now.

Photo via Columbia Dining