Conspiracy Bwog: Why Barnard Girls Can’t Stop Cutting Their Hair
Written by Sam Azanza
What is the deal with everybody chopping most of their hair off once they get to Barnard? Is this all part of the feminist agenda? Resident Bwoggay Sam Azanza uncovers the deep secrets of The Barnard Chop.
“The Barnard Chop:” a term used for the impulsive haircut every Barnard first-year seems to get within the first few months of school. Is there a reason that the Need To Snip comes so strongly? What is responsible for this? Who is responsible for this?
It could be said that with being at a new place comes the desire to change your appearance. Especially at Barnard, where we are surrounded by strong, confident women so dedicated to their external image (in an I-dress-and-look-however-the-fuck-I-want type of way) we are so encouraged to explore our personalities and how we present ourselves. Much more in New York City, a place with all kinds of people, it’s so easy to look and act however we want to.
But, as I was shaving a friend’s head in my dorm room for the nth time this school year after I partially shaved my own head over fall break, I wondered if there was something else that made being semi-bald so appealing. After months of thorough research backed up by 100% accurate scientific data, I came to the conclusion that there is only one explanation: The Gay Barnard Demon.
Sounds crazy, I know. But get this: I heard it from my roommate who heard it from her friend who heard it from her NSOP groupmate who heard it from her OL who heard it from her OL’s OL who heard it from the Milstein librarian who heard it from her library superior who heard it from an alumna whose cousin was a psychic and spoke to the gay demon (we’ll name her Winona) during a visit to Barnard.
Turns out, Winona’s got a plan to form a large scale radical lesbian militia to take over the patriarchy. Why the shaved heads? Easy. Long hair hinders maximum movement in the event of a large-scale feminist riot. Unlike Samson, we don’t get power from our long hair. We get power from shaving it all off. We were already powerful with longer hair– but our baldness makes us UNSTOPPABLE. Winona has been possessing us all and creeping into our minds, convincing us to shave our heads and challenge the conventions of femininity.
Back when Columbia wasn’t even coed, a lot of Barnard students were the wives of CC bois–despite their amazing education and bright brains, they were still mainly validated through their relationships to the men at Columbia. Winona couldn’t stand this, and that’s where it all started. Her ulterior motive is to sabotage CC men so Barnard women don’t become their wives but just become interested in each other. Talk about the gay agenda.
Of course, cutting off all your hair doesn’t necessarily mean you’re gay, but Winona only strives to increase the queer (as in a disruptor of social conventions) energy that radiates in the college. She’s doing her best to strengthen the sense of community we all share through what can be described as the buzzcut high. Thus, if all goes according to her plan, we will only get stronger and stronger–one bald head at a time.
Possessed Clippers via Sam