Name, Hometown, School: 

Claim to Fame? The Blue and White, COÖP, and I probably spoke over you in that English seminar a bunch.

Where are you going? Staying in New York, looking for editorial work.

Three things you learned at Columbia?

1. 1020 is a better living room than anything housing has to offer.
2. Poetry just isn’t for me, but Victorian lit is.
3. I’m still not sure I ever learned how to use “dialectic” properly in class or in writing, but that didn’t stop me from doing it anyway.

“Back in my day…” they called it Shea.

Justify your existence in 30 words or less: I’m equally interested in the death of the author and the plight of the point forward.

Is the War on Fun over? Who won? Any war stories? As long as the university is run like a corporation, the war on fun will continue. We’re simply too big a liability to be allowed to wreak the good kinds of havoc. That’s cynical, though–you can always get away with having a good time. The terrace on the 5th floor of Kent is a fine place to start.

Would you rather give up oral sex or cheese? I’ll defer to Keith Richards, who’s seen some things: “Cheese is a no-no for me. Everybody else, go eat it. Just take a look at yourself. Fermented milk is not the ideal choice for everyday eating, that’s all.”

Advice for the class of 2016?

You’re never too busy to have a few with some pals at 1020. Put away your phone, especially if it’s smart; you might see someone or something interesting. Ride a bike. Try to read the occasional extracurricular novel. Play hooky to go to a baseball game. Broadly, watch sports–it’ll only add to the things you learn in class about labor, race, and history in America. Study what you love–this place needs curious students in every field–and defend it, fiercely. And never stop questioning the administration, who, to these conspiracy-seeking eyes, are more interested in LeBron-style global brandhood than healthy (uninhibited, robust, and wide-open?) undergrad education.

Any regrets? 

Too many, most of which involve 1020.

Claim to fame: Bwog ESC Reporter for 4 years, IEEE President, SciFi Club Librarian

Where are you going? I’ve accepted an internship at Microsoft for the summer. After that, I’ll return to Columbia in the fall to get my Master’s Degree.

Three things you learned at Columbia:

1. The people are what make this school truly great.
2. Participate in things that make you happy.
3. If it doesn’t work, check that it’s plugged in.

“Back in my day…” Dorm internet bandwidth quotas were a serious annoyance.

Justify your existence in 30 words or less: I knew I wanted to be an EE when I got enormous happiness from building a small green LED.

Is the War on Fun over? Though I’m not sure if it is over, there was once time I returned from a movie to a party in my suite with someone passed out in front of my door. While waiting for CAVA, I got to see a row of at least 5 public safety officers slowly approaching our townhouse.

Would you rather give up oral sex or cheese? Cheese can provide happiness on demand, oral sex cannot.

Advice for the class of 2016: Ask for help! If you feel yourself falling behind, speak to the professor. Many will go above and beyond the call of duty to assist you. As a professor said to us during our first week in 2008 – “You already got in, you don’t have to prove anything.”

Regrets? Though I don’t have many, the greatest one was probably not learning MATLAB earlier – professors (in your more advanced classes) simply assume you know how to use it, and I could have saved myself many headaches in the long run.

Mark Hay

Claim to Fame?

Teller of too many odd stories. Hater of shoes; lover of religions. Old man trapped in twentysomething body and therefore sour grumbler of the first order. Show-er up-er in odd places.

On the laundry list side of things: Former Managing Editor of Bwog, Editor-in-Chief of Awaaz, The Blue & White, and the Columbia Political Review. Founder and Chair of the InterPublications Association. Writer for a number of other publications (and bridge between the Bwog-Spec divide).

In other words, I did all things good, inky, and nearly obsolete.

Co-Chair of the Student Wellness Project. Some involvement in South and Southeast Asian groups before I got sucked into publications. I will still answer to the name “gora ladka.”

Where are you going?

Reclusion and insanity. But before that, a grad program at Oxford. But before that, an aimless sojourn through Mongolia, Kazakhstan, Kyrgyzstan, Tajikistan, and Uzbekistan.

Three things you learned at Columbia?

1. You can’t be too worried about fucking up. That’s not a license to slack or cut corners. But stressing about messing up (and not just making an honest best effort) is responsible for at least 25% of my collegiate hair loss. You’ll piss people off, make enemies, screw up, fail, and do it all on a regular basis. Embracing failure and enmity is a great form of learning, and one that college facilitates well, especially when stewed in ego and ambition. And if you feel like you can make it through without screwing up a bit, like you don’t have to embrace failure … well, I look forward to the publication of your self-help book.
2. Four years of dealing with Columbia bureaucracy have turned me into an immaculate sleuth. Seriously, if you go to this school and you can track down the person in charge of coordinating toilet paper deliveries to dorms without suffering at least one stress-induced wall-punching session, you will have achieved Zen. I think we ought to start putting “navigating Columbia bureaucracy” on our resumes. It’s an incredible practical skill that would probably help us all secure our dream jobs with half the effort.
3. Everything you know is wrong. Everything. For everyone. And no one’s doing it right.

“Back in my day…” it was actually pretty easy to get on tunnels and roofs. I get the security concerns, but I mourn the suppression of urban exploration and history.

Justify your existence in 30 words or less: I’m a massive enabler. If I find out you’re into macramé, I’ll try to convince you to abandon Econ and join an arts commune I heard about in Vermont.

Is the War on Fun over? Who won? Any war stories?

Have you met me, Bwog? I’m a somber dude. I’m the friggin’ Switzerland of the War on Fun: I don’t participate, and whoever wins, ‘s cool with me.

Would you rather give up oral sex or cheese?

Oral sex. … I’m sorry, was that supposed to be a difficult question? I mean, it’s CHEESE for Wisconsin’s sake.

Advice for the class of 2016?

• “Hold fast to the spirit of youth, let the years that come do what they may.” But seriously.
• Make time for TV. Or whatever else gets you by. For me it was lots and lots of delicious TV (aka, my childhood babysitter). Just make sure that no matter how overcommitted you get, you still have time to chill and check that you’re okay as a human being.
• Stress is a useful fuel and often a necessary element of what we do, but it can’t, it shouldn’t be allowed to eat you up and define who you are… although, if you are going to use TV like I did, I highly recommend that you do not overdose on the Sorkin—that is not the stuff of chill introspection, my friends.
• College, in my really normative and preachy conception, should not be an affirmation of who you are when you come in, nor a dispassionate tool used to turn out degrees that greenlight us into prescribed and proscribed lives.
• This is a place to be uncomfortable—not by doing stupid things and winding up in bad situations, but by jarring yourself out of your comfort zone.
• I’m gonna go ahead and dare every student in 2016 to try to argue a counterintuitive point in their first paper, convincingly play devil’s advocate to themselves in class, and seriously question their involvements and friends. If you’re not uncomfortable and questioning yourself, then what’s the point of this four year daycare center for the shiftless and young?

Any regrets?

Innumerable. But few I’d ever admit to publicly. Most regrets are silly and/or pointless. Best to learn a lesson, internalize it truly, and move on if you can.

But I suppose … I could have been braver when I first came to Columbia. I was absolutely intimidated for about my first full year here. I felt really small. I let it stop me from branching out and digging in because, you know, who the hell was I? If I’d been braver back then, what might I have gained in that extra year?

Send your own photos to tips@bwog.com, and we will add them!

Choice Quotes from PrezBo and the Deans

• “It’s a well-known fact that the smarter you are, the more you procrastinate.” – PrezBo
• “Standing before you in sections eight and nine, which must be an indexing error because Columbia College students only sit in section one…” – Deantini
• “If you ask me what makes Columbia great, I have a very, very long list.” – PrezBo
• “Under the watchful eye of Nike, with the leadership of Athena, in the splendor of the Diana, and with the wisdom that comes from at least nine ways of knowing…” – DSpar
• “I’ll wait for another day to make the case that Columbia is now the greatest university in the world.” – PrezBo
• “[GS grads] are deeply indebted to the Columbia faculty, and to their banks, for this superb education.” – Dean Awn
• “You, the class of 2012, are the most intelligent and attractive graduation class we have ever seen. Definitely the most attractive, in any event.” – PrezBo

Name, Hometown, School, Major:

Claim to Fame? Bwog Sunday editor, dead languages evangelist (and discontent), former history journal chair, the only person to be both “that guy” and a narcoleptic in seminar.

Where are you going? On a long hike. Figuratively that is, unless I get over my coöp trauma. Then back here for the summer to live a block from campus, work, tutor, wonder why I didn’t apply to grad school, and probably end up applying to grad school.

Three things you learned at Columbia:

1.  People here tend to constantly surprise, sometimes in ways more unfortunate than the you’re-so-talented-and-I-never-knew-it! admissions brochure sort of way. So, for better and worse, don’t underestimate anyone. That’s a life lesson, but I learned it at Columbia.
2. Someone could (and should) write a Greek tragedy about the practice schedule of the Columbia archery club. I’ve inexplicably been on their listserve for four years without unsubscribing, and in that time, I have borne voyeuristic witness to all of their bizarre mishaps. Carry on, friends!
3. There’s usually a good reason that no one ever goes to those Morningside Heights places no one ever goes to. The man in that chocolate store was really nasty to me (sorry to whoever said they like it), the guy at Village Copier was even worse (I don’t know if that place counts, but still), and while everyone at Camille’s was perfectly pleasant, there was still something fishy about it.

 ”Back in my day…” John Jay had that same weirdly unforgettable smell, but I lived there (juh-jayt!). Austin Quigley’s accent made this feel like a real Ivy League school.

Justify your existence in 30 words or less: At sixteen, it took me three tries to pass the New York State road test. Last week, I passed the swim test on my first go. Constant improvement.

Is the War on Fun over? Who won? Any war stories? “Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive.” –C.S. Lewis. If there is a war, Wallach->Wien->River means that I spent substantial time behind enemy lines. Even in those dark places, sedition goes mostly unpunished, so I’m optimistic.

Would you rather give up oral sex or cheese? Ancient historians have to think in terms of the longue durée, and while oral sex may be the hot startup, cheese is the blue (bleu) chip I want in my retirement portfolio.

Advice for the class of 2016: “Studying” is overrated; actually going to class and doing the reading is underrated. Streaming videos in your room is way overrated; impractically long dinners with friends are way underrated. If you enjoy writing, try taking a break from papers to write casually (preferably for Bwog, if only so that people in the comments can tell you to fuck yourself and go back to U Writing). And the piece of advice that first salvaged my time here and later made it so much fun: if you’re not satisfied, never feel too old, previously committed, or busy to do or join something new. Or meet someone new, but that much should be obvious. Trite but true.

Any regrets? So many: like the socially awkward penguin meme, I replay conversations from five years ago in my head, so don’t go by me. But I’ve never been happier or more satisfied than I was this year and this semester, which probably means it’s time to move on.

Something more in character and less sappy? I regret giving a good review to that TA who just backstabbed me with an unnecessarily bitchy grade. I take it all back, and, should we run into each other at 1020, will NOT buy you a drink.

Name, Hometown, School: 

Claim to fame: Helping create a tech community at Columbia with the Application Development Initiative. Some other stuff.

Where are you going? I’ll be working downtown at a startup called Turntable.

Three things you learned at Columbia:

1. No one is looking out for you all the time. Anticipate the best and the worst, so fewer things come as a surprise. But don’t pretend to know exactly all the things. (That said, there are many people on campus whose job, in some capacity, is to help you… if you ask them.)
2. It’s easier to ask forgiveness than get permission. Make great things and people will pretend it was their idea instead of blaming you for causing trouble. Generalizing this, every human system can be defeated. Don’t assume you can’t do something just because someone said “no” or “that’s how business is done” or “it’s always been that way”.
3. No one appreciates small caps. I took this to mean that anything can be misunderstood and that effective communication takes effort.

“Back in my day…” …you only had bwog.net and you liked it!

Justify your existence in 30 words or fewer. I was once convinced I was Canadian. I had to be told, “You aren’t; sorry“. Sometimes, I remember my rhetorical devices; watch out for some litotes.

Is the War on Fun over? Who won? Any war stories? Right now, Fun is losing—but the war isn’t over, and there actually haven’t been that many battles recently. No stories; I haven’t been on the front lines all that much.

Would you rather give up oral sex or cheese? I’m inexperienced with cheese.

Advice for the class of 2016:

• Join a club or start one! For everyone’s sake, find one thing to do on the side that’s fun or meaningful (or both!) and do your best to ensure it’ll still be here after you leave.
• Go out there and do fun things with fun people… on campus and off. Go downtown (or even to Brooklyn!) and explore as often as you can.
• Be nice to people, especially in anonymous comments. When it comes to online bickering, remember: all this has happened before and will happen again.
• Take Fencing and learn to admire Columbia’s fencing team.
• Take a computer science class, no matter what school or major you’re in. At the very least, learn how to program!
• If you can’t change something, make something.
• Subscribe to the Columbia subreddit!

Any regrets? Joining too many clubs and doing too many Spec Photo assignments my freshman year. Not going to more student performances. Not TAing. Specific to CS: skipping 1004.

Name, Hometown, School:

Claim to fame: Bwog Editor 2010 (Operation Ivy League, Boringside Heights, BwogWeather, posting the video for “Welcome Back” by Ma$e too much, the “Eliza” that asked you what exactly you were so upset about in the comments at 3 AM), “Morningside Shtetl Royalty”, fact brat extraordinaire, enthusiasm (!)

Where are you going? UWS → Newsweek/Daily Beast to report about criminal justice → Brooklyn.

Three things you learned at Columbia:

1. The upper middle class is amorphous
2. You might need to go all the way to Cape Town for a professor to call bullshit on your use of the term “agentive”
3. Not to leave New York City, probably ever

“Back in my day…” You don’t even know from the movie theater on 107th, Columbia Bagels, the actual West End, 40s in Riverside Park.

Justify your existence in 30 words or less: Didn’t check my grades for four semesters; got broken up with (over the phone, don’t worry!) in the Butler 6 stairwell freshman year; had my bat mitzvah in Lerner 555.

Is the War on Fun over? To the delightful boys of EC H606: can you please turn the fucking subwoofer down?

Would you rather give up oral sex or cheese? I’ve read too many mediocre answers to this question over the last four years to answer it. I think it’s over, Bwog!

Advice for the class of 2016:

• In To the Lighthouse, the spectrum of human thought is described as a series of piano keys — Mr. Ramsay, a vaguely successful philosopher, realizes that he’s plunked down all the piano keys of thought from A to Q — an impressive feat! — but that he’ll never get past Q to R. That idea has stuck with me for a long time — be able to recognize and appreciate your limitations so you don’t go completely insane. Embrace the beauty of getting to Q — your brain just simply stopping somewhere is not a failure as much as it’s an opportunity. This happened to me with academia sophomore year and that’s when I actually started to figure things out.
• If you’re seriously competitive and ambitious (and I’ll just bet you are!) don’t make it a weird simmering WASPy secret like Harvard kids do. Be honest and elbows-out; it’s not gauche or embarrassing to tell your friends that you want to take over the world and/or make it a better place. Took me until like last week to realize that.
• You’re supposed to figure out a lot about who you are, what your values are, and what you like about other humans in college, and the best way to do these things and to handle the relentless emotional onslaught of growing up is to fall in love.
• Pre-emptive nostalgia is a waste of time.
• For your money’s worth: Delbanco, Katznelson, Anderer, Foner.
• Your friends are more important than anything; be nice to each other on the Internet and in real life.
• Borrowing a line from my high school graduation: remember that education is the quest for wonder.

Regrets? I should have been an American Studies major, but then again everyone probably should. I never got to use the outdoor shower on the roof of PrezBo’s mansion. And I shouldn’t have been such a reactionary against idealism for my first seven semesters of college. Otherwise, I did okay.

Columbia: in spite of so much, I’ll love you always.

Name, Hometown, School, Major:

In life: The Three Musketeers.

On our diplomas:

• Andrew Altamirano; Orlando, Florida; SEAS; Civil Engineering
• David Coplon; Mt. Desert, Maine; SEAS; Civil Engineering
• Jane Zellar; Helena, Montana; SEAS; Civil Engineering

Claim to Fame? Steel Bridge, Ski Team, Sailing Team, KDR, Tequila Tuesday™, Bottle Wednesday, Columbia Hostel, Sky Lounge on KDR 3.5, Sunrise Shenanigans, 5-pg bucket lists (single-spaced), perfect Senior Night attendance (since September!), winter 2010 igloo outside Hartley (which IS a valid pizza delivery address, coincidentally…)

Where are you going?

Immediately:

⅔ – Epic Roadtrip (Destination: Montana – 4000 miles, 6 national parks, 29 days) [DC & JZ]

⅓ – Key West (chillin’) [AA]

After that:

⅔ – Hanging out with Alma for round 2 [AA & DC]

⅓ – ?? [JZ]

Three things you learned at Columbia:

1. Your professors are actually pretty awesome people once you meet outside the context of class. Invite faculty to happy hour – they will come. It really does improve your relationship with them.
2. “Single” is a loosely defined term when it comes to housing. Maximum occupancy of a 145 sq ft “single” is 43 people. (Assembly of a full loft is recommended). Too bad housing doesn’t believe it.
3. It is possible to drink six nights a week and still make the Dean’s List. #seniorspring

“Back in my day…”

• Koronets slice: $2.75
• Metrocard swipe: $2.00
• MTA DAILY FUN PASSES STILL EXISTED.
• St. John the Divine was not finished.
• Benjammin’ was still old.
• Amy the HamDel lady said hello every Tuesday morning at 3:00am

Justify your existence in 30 words or less: All for one, one for all!

Is the War on Fun over? Who won? Any war stories? We’re engineers. The past four years have been a war on fun. Fun, sleep, academic success – pick 1.378. (0.378 sleeps is approximately 3 hours. Alternatively, substitute with a cold shower; 80*F should do the trick.)

That said, we spent a month playing frisbee every day on the lawns this semester instead of studying for the FE. We clearly won that war.

Would you rather give up oral sex or cheese? Only one of these is on the food pyramid. Even the new version.

Advice for the class of 2016:

• SEAS students: choose your project groups wisely. VERY wisely. Your college experience depends on it.
• DO NOT DRINK SIX NIGHTS A WEEK. (But see “Things You Learned” #3, if you decide not to listen…)
• Club sports will save your life.
• Make a bucket list. Check things off. Get off campus. Get out of New York City. You go to the best school in the greatest city in the world – why on earth are you still sitting here reading Bwog after finals week??
• Visit the roofs – yes, they are still open.
• Take full advantage of NSOP (and pre-NSOP, whattup COOP!). It’s not just a week about figuring out how to use SSOL (hint: you’ll never understand the DAR, don’t even try). It’s the first time you’ll really be able to experience Columbia and to make long-lasting relationships. Some of our best friendships today come from NSOP.
• That said, you never know when or where you’ll meet awesome people. Even though the three of us are pretty inseparable at this point, we were not close at all until the end of last semester, when the entire department spent a sleepless week together in the computer lab for Finite Element. Make friendships both inside and outside of each classroom, because that person sitting next to you in LitHum or waiting in the endless lines the first weeks of the package center is more than likely a pretty cool person.
• Despite frustrations you’ll more than likely encounter when dealing with the Columbia bureaucracy, there are fabulous people in the campus resources available to students who are always willing to help you out. Take advantage of every opportunity available, and make friends with the administration. (Shout out to Neeeeeeeev in CCE for being one of the nicest people on campus.)

Practical Tips:

• University Hardware/Houseware have a 10% Columbia discount. This is advertised nowhere. You have to ask.
• Subsconscious has a loyalty punchcard. And unlike HamDel it is open on Sunday nights.
• Target at 225th St. is 1 block from the subway stop – waaaay more convenient than E 116th St. (but everything you could ever want is on 116th and FDR)
• Taxi from Fairway to EC: $6-7. Buying one family pack of chicken breasts more than covers this.
• Flare – 208th. Load up a Zipcar for significantly cheaper beer.
• Anticipate damage you might cause in your suite and put it on the move-in room condition report so you won’t be charged at the end of the year.
• Hartley Hospitality Desk will refund your money when laundry machines don’t work.

Any regrets? Somehow we managed to share the same major, adviser, and classes for three years without knowing each other. Yikes.

Claim to fame? I know who Millie the Bear is, bwog named a tag after me and I currently serve as Barnard’s SGA President.

Where are you going? I want to roadtrip across America (or as of right now, just from Chicago to St. Louis) before coming back to the greatest city in the world to live in an apartment equidistant between Starbucks, Coffee Bean and Dunkin’ Donuts (the holy trinity) and work in media marketing .

Three things you learned at Columbia:

1. Most people in life are not genuinely funny but if you are lucky enough to find friends who are, hold on to them. They’ll come in handy when you need to write commencement speeches in front of the President of the United States (ILYFAE 2012).
2. The Hall of Ocean at the Museum of Natural History is a surprisingly soothing place to do work! (It also happens to be my current location as I try to write my final paper of college and this senior wisdom.)
3. Sometimes you get better life advice from your advisor’s assistant than your actual advisor.

“Back in my day…” subways were $2, java city made the best javalanches, and Barnard discovered the most popular giveaways, berets, at the opening of the Diana Center!

Justify your existence in 30 words or less: Speaking with Obama, Introduced Oprah and Gloria, Chatted with Martha, Congratulated by D.Spar on my engagement

Is the War on Fun over? Who won? Any war stories? I’m going to get all serious here and say that we as students sometimes create our own war on fun by constantly complaining about how stressed/busy we are. This year I battled my type A, crazy self, put down my papers and actually ventured out of Morningside heights in an attempt to become urban and cultured. What I learned was that you may not remember the names of the attendees of the Simla Conference in 1945 but you WILL remember the time you ditched class to see Mariano Rivera’s record breaking 602nd career save.

Would you rather give up oral sex or cheese? In my high school yearbook I was runner up for the person most likely to live off of cheese. I was also voted most likely to be a weathergirl.

Advice to the class of 2016: You don’t stick out like a sore thumb as much as you think you do. On a campus as diverse as ours, each student has their own “shtick” so just embrace yours!

Also, If you join the right clubs, you can outfit yourself with a wardrobe of free apparel.

Any regrets? Not discovering that the library sends emails to you when your books are due until $175 in fines later, not going to holi and not getting to know more of the inspiring people on both sides of Broadway!

Although, I guess if I warranted a senior wisdom, I must have done something right over the past 4 years.

Name, Hometown, School, Major: 

Claim to Fame? I was on GSElevator Twitter , I’m the reason Rite Aid cards you, I’ve never had a housing lottery number over 500, and I was the guy in the Knicks jersey standing on the garbage can in all of your Snoop-Bacchanal pictures.

Where are you going? See the above Twitter.

Three things you learned at Columbia:

1. Columbia housing is proof of Murphy’s Law. Given enough time, anything that can go wrong will go wrong, and Columbia will tell you “it’s not that serious” and they’ll “fix it over the summer”.
2. Nobody cares how smart you are if you have a bad work ethic. Learning how to work is more important than anything else you will learn in your time here.
3. If you go to M2M right at midnight and ask nicely for sushi, they’ll probably give it to you for free (they have to throw it out anyway).

“Back in my day…” I have to defer to the wise words of my father (CC ’52): [in response to whether beer pong had been invented yet when he was at Columbia] “Back in my day, we didn’t play with our beer. We just drank it.”

Justify your existence in 30 words or less: I have an app in the iPhone app store called Arrow’d.

Is the War on Fun over? Who won? Any war stories? This question has always bothered me. Nothing is preventing you from day drinking with friends or even throwing keggers (tip: rent a blue bin from Hartley and cover it with towels). Some of the best “memories” you will make in college will be from when your brain has stopped making memories. Also, you live in arguably the most exciting city in the world with the greatest in culture, nightlife and entertainment. If you can’t find a way to have fun here, then you probably should have gone to a school with other not fun people (like UChicago, Yale or NYU).

Would you rather give up oral sex or cheese? Westside only lets you sample the latter (although you used to be able to sample the former at Campo).

Advice for the class of 2016:

• All of your sexually repressed prayers will be answered during NSOP week.
• Surround yourself with people who are smarter, funnier, cooler or otherwise better than you. If you hang around them long enough, some of it is bound to rub off on you.
• Don’t get a crappy fake ID (or any fake ID at all because that’s illegal?) Nobody thinks you’re from Maine, and contrary to popular belief, no state ID has a hologram that says “Genuine Authentic Secure Valid”.
• Take classes from lots of different majors. As a computer science major, my two favorite classes and the two classes that pushed me more than any other were a music class and a dance class (seriously).
• If you’re too lazy to go to the package center, order things to your roommates’ mailboxes and don’t tell them (remember to thank them when they come back, confused, with your stuff).
• When your suite gets too messy, start your own fraternity, design awesome lacrosse pinnies, and convince freshmen that you’re cool enough to justify them cleaning up your mess.

Any regrets? Lots, although few still seem significant (like those three points my TA took off on an exam that I thought was going to ruin my life at the time). Regrets are awesome. You’ll never discover your potential until you are denied something you want. You got here because you are smart and capable (and bold and beautiful). Never let anybody stop you. I love you all. Thank you for a wonderful four years.

Name, Hometown, School, Major:

Claim to Fame? Former Drum Major of the Columbia University Marching Band, I’ve strutted around in a certain lion costume, and danced with Lebron James…sort of.

Where are you going? That remains to be seen. But definitely northern Minnesota for the 4th of July and Robert K. Kraft Field at Lawrence A. Wein Stadium at Baker Athletics Complex for the opening football game. And I’ll be hanging out in the city until June 29.

Three things you learned at Columbia:

1. “There’s no deadline for life.” President Spar shared that little gem with me. Everything falls into place at some point and stressing just makes me grumpy. It’s important to do the things that make you happy, surround yourself with people you love, and try new things all the time.
2. Being friendly is worth the effort. And it’s free. I made friends with an EC security guard when I gave him a red carnation and now we always chat. All those people you met at NSOP can be awkward to encounter, but only if you let them. Campus is so much more fun when you talk to people all the time. Say hi to anyone and everyone you’ve ever met here. A little Minnesota-Nice goes a long way.
3. The true meaning of G(tb)^2.

“Back in my day…” The subway cost two dollars.

Justify your existence in 30 words or less: My existence is an awfully big adventure.

Is the War on Fun over? Who won? Any war stories? I’m pretty sure the war will never end. Someone will always be unhappy at another person’s merriment. Maintain a sense of humor and a tiny bit of respect, and victory will be yours. Don’t let the man get you down, Columbia!

Would you rather give up oral sex or cheese? My diet is 90% cheeseburgers, pizza and Twisters from Hamdel. I fear a world without cheese. And Hamdel.

Advice for the class of 2016:

• Go to the activities fairs at the beginning of the year. Write your name on email lists, you can always unsubscribe later. And sign up for things you never thought you would. I joined the marching band sophomore year because, honestly, I just really wanted a rugby shirt. I ended up making some of the best friends I have ever had, developing a true love for Columbia athletics (seriously), and having a thoroughly amazing time. I also became a sister of Alpha Chi Omega, despite my reluctance to join greek life. That ended up being the best decision I could have made as a freshman. You can find your passions in very unexpected places. Forget inhibitions and throw yourself into whatever you do.
• College is as much about being young and having a good time as it is about academics and responsibility. Don’t pass up the opportunity to see a performance, go to a game, or just hang out with friends because you have too much work. The work will get it done, it always does. Now is the time to make mistakes and to learn from them.
• Write down the funny things your friends say on post-its. They make excellent wall decorations.

Any regrets? I try to look at everything in my life as a learning experience, that way I can’t regret anything. Sure, there are some moments I wish I could re-do, but in the end, those are the moments that become good stories. I DO regret not learning from the experience of not getting a SPEARS ticket. I didn’t get a senior ball ticket either.

Name, Hometown, School, Major:

Claim to Fame? That randomly intense guy who was always at CCSC saying “well, see, I was digging through the archives and there used to be…,” the reason CCSC no longer has instant-runoff voting, foot soldier in the war to protect and reform the Core, former Co-President and all-around board member of Everyone Allied Against Homophobia, very former CU Dems Lead Activist, the accidental Chair of the Student Governing Board of Earl Hall, GS’s number one fan, general meeting attendee, that weirdo walking around in the February snow or a September Indian summer in sandals and a green fleece. I also gathered a large group of random people in a room in Kent on Monday nights and called it the “Columbia-Barnard Student Forum.”

Where are you going? For the moment, home to 109th and Amsterdam for a breather. Then, hopefully the New York City Comptroller’s Office or maybe China to work on my Mandarin.

Three things you learned at Columbia:

1. How you got to where you are can be an immensely useful tool when you’re trying to figure out how to get to where you’re going. Columbia is notoriously bad at keeping written records of the way things work (it’s hard to do that when you run on fiat), so every professor or (even better) professor emeritus can be a goldmine of institutional knowledge. It’s important to find them, meet them, and get to know their stories.
2. Why you do things is more important than what you do, and usually determines how well you do them. The whole point of the Core Curriculum is to force us to examine and define our own personal values, our sense of justice, and our moral and ethical beliefs in conversation with our peers and professors. If you do things simply to “succeed” you’re implicitly acquiescing to a set of values whose importance you have absorbed unquestioningly from your surrounding social structures. Really challenging yourself to see if those values have both an internal coherence and make sense when put in context with the experiences of your classmates and the writings of the past can save you from having to figure this shit out when you’re 27, 35, 50, or 80 years old and have infinitely more regrets regarding your failure to live a truly meaningful life. If you’re passionate about righting an injustice, fascinated by the potential of a particular field of study, or you just genuinely want to live a good life, you’re far more likely to do those things well than if you simply try to “do well.”
3. People are incredibly complicated and multifaceted beings, and we are all flawed. Race, gender, sexual orientation, ethnicity, socio-economic background, and a million other things all help to contribute to each individual’s unique set of lived experiences which can nonetheless have patterns of shared experiences with others. People appreciate being treated with respect and civility that acknowledges our intrinsic value as human beings. Even when people do not treat us with said respect and civility, they are still people deserving of such respect and civility because yet another part of being human is to be flawed, to fail to live up to our moral obligations to others. It is only by the grace of our fellow human beings that when we fail we may ask forgiveness and attempt to learn from our failure.

“Back in my day…” PrezBo skipped convocation, every dean was an “interim Dean,” the class of ’09 and ’10 had great war stories of an engaged and fired-up campus, a High Gay Council made sure First Fridays had pre-games and after-parties and that all three were both worth attending and the gateway to sloppy Saturdays, the Spec was a “vom-rag” while people turned to Bwog for the latest snarky inside scoop on campus politics, the legend that is La Negrita was the haven of those too cheap or unconnected to get fake IDs, the Varsity Show was perhaps less technically virtuosic but provided biting commentary on the Columbia admins sitting in the front row, there was some warehouse art/dance party called Collision that I was on my way to when my RA said “oh, you’ll have plenty of chances to go to that in the future, you should go to this other thing,” Kevin Shollenberger’s hair looked like this, and Frontiers made no sense conceptually (some things never change).

Justify your existence in 30 words or less: I found love in a hopeless place, was ¼ of the Ovaries, and dance like a wild man. I love nachos and green things. I sometimes make people laugh.

Is the War on Fun over? Who won? Any war stories? According to my archival research and (untrained) oral history interviews with alumni, the War on Fun as we know it is a fairly recent phenomenon. While the administrative impulse to make sure that students are having absolutely no dangerous, obscene, debauched, ill-advised, impolitic, spontaneous, or otherwise unsanctioned fun has existed for hundreds of years, they’ve previously been either too lazy or too understanding to act on that impulse with anything more than a half-hearted or token gesture. Then came Manhattanville, the Minutemen, and Ahmadinejad, and suddenly people realized that it would be very hard to raise money for a massive capital expansion while we were constantly being slammed on Fox News or had potentially less-than-flattering media attention. Thus, the rise of the UEM/Public Safety-complex, a renewed effort to control liability, and the general “no-you-can’t-do-that” attitude of admins. To be fair, we’re seeing some moderation recently thanks to Dean Martinez in Community Development and others who genuinely care about our lives as students, but we’re still a far cry even from the general laxity of our so-called “peer and aspirant schools.” That being said, there’s nothing like scoring a well-earned victory by kicking back on a roof with an El Presidente and taking in the skyline or having a four-person band perform in an EC suite during a raucous game of cocktail pong (gays do it so classy).

Would you rather give up oral sex or cheese? I’ve had four years to figure this one out, and it still stumps me. I guess it’s better to give than receive, but that doesn’t hold true for cheese. So cheese.

Advice for the Class of 2016:

• You are, of course, insanely privileged to attend Columbia. Admissions attempts to put together a class of some of the most outstanding young adults in the country, the faculty are the top of their field, and the cachet that comes with the degree is (probably unfairly) immense compared to that which accompanies other schools. BUT REMEMBER, as great at all that is, it is okay to hold Columbia to higher standard and strive to bring it closer to its ideal. Columbia has such immense potential to be an even greater institution and it fails to fully live up to that potential. When students are complaining about marginalization of people of color or queer people, poor student services, Columbia’s mistreatment of local communities, and its increasing professionalization, you may feel incredibly defensive of the University. It is, after all, a privilege to go here. But step back and take a moment to try to understand what these students working for change are saying. Columbia is a great university, yes, but that does not mean that it cannot or should not try to improve itself and come closer to its ideal of a great liberal arts institution with the power to deliver a transformative education.
• Related to the above, almost everything that Columbia has ever done to advance progress and improve life for the students has usually been a hard-won victory by a bunch of loud student activists. Things that Columbia likes to proudly trumpet and advertise on the admissions website, like need-blind admissions, the IRC, our amazing and vibrant student groups, a “politically, environmentally and socially conscious and active student body,” “the country’s oldest student gay-rights advocacy group,” etc. have all at one point been opposed or limited by the University or College administration and only exist thanks to long and difficult struggles by a committed and engaged portion of the student body. If the administration opposes a student initiative led by passionate leaders, expect to see it in our admissions brochures in under 10 years.
• Campus media is under-appreciated. If you get to know reporters and editors, and remember that they’re students with lives and interests just like you, you’ll go a long way towards understanding the sometimes mystifying process that is media production. It’s a grueling job, and so if they don’t know the details or the background your event or group they’re covering, just help them out and let them know. Explain things, pass along ideas for stories, and just be a nice person. It’ll pay off in more informed, well-rounded coverage of your important issue.
• If you want to get something done around this place, knowing the insanely complicated org chart is a huge help. Talk to professors, talk to administrators, talk to upperclassmen, but the faster you figure it out the faster you can talk to the person you need to and get what you want (hint: secretaries, assistants, and chiefs-of-staff are sometimes the people you need to talk to). If you talk to them and they don’t give you what you deserve, see the above advice. Administrators here sometimes fall prey to two “administrative allergies.” The first is an allergy to student input. They may view students as insufficiently informed of the complicated workings of the university or as low priorities, and may dismiss your concerns accordingly. The second allergy is an allergy to media attention. The second allergy can usually help them overcome the first.
• President Bollinger’s nickname, PrezBo, is not one of affection anymore, if it ever was. It’s a symptom arising from the fact that the central administration is more removed from the daily lives of students than at any point since perhaps the 1960s. During his tenure, Low Library has shifted towards greater and greater reliance on administration by fiat, rather than by the written processes that exist to bring faculty and student voices into decision-making. The faculty look like they’re sick of it and are finally getting their act together. Don’t let the students be left out!
• As a continuation on that theme, PrezBo doesn’t actually make any high-level decisions. If you care about something that needs to be decided in Low Library, it’s probably handled by Senior Executive Vice President Robert Kasdin. If it is something decided in the President’s Office, it’s usually handled by his Chief-of-Staff, Susan Glancy. Her e-mail is skg56@columbia.edu. Have fun with that knowledge.
• As you may have figured out from all the shit above, it can be a bitch-and-a-half to go here. That being said, don’t let the difficult parts overshadow the most important thing you’ll take away from Columbia: the relationships you create here. Spend time with the people you love, the people you find fascinating, the people who share your passions, the random people you meet in class or at events, and your professors. Get to know people you wouldn’t otherwise, people who are different from you, and even people you think you won’t like (remember, you’re no saint, either). Even when you graduate with all your battle scars and a body deadened by all-nighters, not enough exercise, erratic nutrition, and self-medication with alcohol, you will always have the ability to write someone an e-mail, call someone up for drinks or lunch, or have a shoulder to lean on during tough times. That is worth more than any internship, any degree, any paper written.
• Again, build relationships with your professors. People (me) sometimes forget professors while they’re here and only realize how amazing their professors are as they exit Columbia. For the love of god, go to professors’ office hours, get to know them, make them your life-long mentors.
• It is possible to find love in this hopeless place, but it usually happens when you’re not looking for it. I wound up meeting my boyfriend of three years (Aries Dela Cruz, GS ’09) at a time when I thought I’d stay single for years and expected to find nothing at Columbia. It’s not a bad idea to expect nothing, but on the flip side, stay open to anything.
• You have four years here. Go fucking nuts. Just do it. It’s okay to go harder than is good for you. It’s okay to take a step back and take care of yourself and be well. Just don’t feel guilty for doing one or the other. But whatever you do, make the most of it. If you’re mad about something, change it. If you’re sad, do something that makes you happy. If you’re lonely, make yourself uncomfortable, meet new people and let them change your life. Just. Go. Fucking. Nuts.

Any regrets? I guess I wish I’d been a little faster to figure out all the shit I put in this Senior Wisdom. So let’s make that “not trying harder to follow the advice in previous years’ Senior Wisdoms.” Also, writing such a long-ass Senior Wisdom.

Name, Hometown, School, Major: 

Claim to fame? People thought it was pretty cool when I came back from a semester sailing from Hawaii to Tahiti with a shaved head (a small part of the hazing tradition associated with crossing the equator). I also email thousands of people from the Columbia community on a regular basis as president of the CU Hiking Club.

Where are you going? BARKALAY!!! For some reason, I say it that way in my head every time. It sounds remotely similar to this. Translation: I’m starting my Ph.D. in geochemistry at Cal this fall.

Three things you learned at Columbia:

1. Having a regular sleep schedule is really important! If you had class with me freshman and sophomore year, you likely observed me sleeping in ~75% of lectures. Junior year, I started being more productive during the daylight hours, going to bed earlier, and waking up at the same time instead of 1/2 hour before my first class. And guess what? I’ve stayed awake in 97% of lectures since!
2. Life at this institution was so much more enriched once my social circle extended beyond the undergraduate population. Professors, graduate students, and staff have been an integral part of my non-academic experience here. They have helped me become mature(ish) and imparted great wisdom. Thanks!
3. The words tipi, tepee, and teepee all refer to conical tents used by Native Americans of the Great Plains. And they are all pronounced the same way.

“Back in my day…” you could not walk from one end of Barnard’s campus to the other without going underground. La Negrita had the best trivia night in town on Tuesday nights during the summer. La Negrita existed.

Justify your existence in 30 words or less: I cannot physically frown. I’ve tried very, very hard, but my face must lack those muscles. I think this means that, deep down, I probably have a happy soul.

Is the War on Fun over? Who won? Any war stories? The loud parties, public consumption, and rooftop excursions I enjoyed this year were not sanctioned. Maybe the war is over? Or maybe our fun has just grown more discrete?

Would you rather give up oral sex or cheese? I consumed far too much Kraft mac & cheese when it was on sale at Westside for 2/$3 for over a year.

Advice to the class of 2016:

• You may feel out of place when you first get here. I certainly did; I was sheltered, I was boring, and I was pretty uninspired. Wearing a bright green fleece all of the time didn’t help either. Most of that will change, in due time. But don’t work too hard or force it to fit in. Do what feels right and what makes you happy. That’s what I did. I still wear the fleece (it helps people find me in a crowd), but I am a much more confident and passionate person than I was when I got here.
• Spend a summer living in New York! It’s a completely different experience from being a student here during the semester. Try and spend a summer in another part of the country/world as well. It helps give you perspective on your life in NYC.
• This is specific to incoming (and current) Barnard students: don’t treat the lab science requirement like a death wish! Seriously. Barnard students want to become the women leaders of the twenty-first century, but they need to remember that, well, we are in the twenty-first century, and that our everyday existence is heavily rooted in science and technology. Embrace it!!!

Any regrets? I REALLLLY wanted to be a beatboxer in an a capella group. But I never auditioned. I also never learned how to beatbox…

Words of wisdom and congratulations were bestowed upon the baby blue-swathed grads by John “Rick” MacArthur, CC ’78—who did not clarify the whole Rick/John thing—as well as Deantini, PrezBo, several classmates, and KevSho.

Claim to fame:

• Co-writing and producing FRIEZE, which is one of my greatest achievements to date (special shout out to our amazing cast and production team—I love you all).
• The day that Felicia Marie Bishop dedicated her thesis to me. In case you’re unaware, she’s a boss, which makes me a boss by association.
• Increasing my family’s assets by winning an iPad at a career fair that I almost didn’t attend.
• Living on the stoop of the Intercultural Resource Center (IRC).
• Being Columbia’s “most agile grandpa.”
• Waving at strangers, strangers who eventually become my friends.

Where are you going? I’m moving back to Boston to teach 7th Grade English as “Mr. Ekwelum” (*cringe*)…currently still in search of a satchel to officially complete the transition.

Three things you learned at Columbia:

1. A graduating senior recently confessed to me that he didn’t believe in institutional oppression. I can confidently declare that Columbia has objectively failed to breed “global citizens.”
2. “It might be helpful to think of deadlines as mere guidelines.” Sarah Joan Thompson CC ‘11, you’ve created a monster.
3. The personal is indeed political.

“Back in my day…”

• $.50 John Jay takeout containers hadn’t yet been employed as another form of extortion at Columbia.
• The Black Students’ Organization had a banner.
• Not enough courses were offered in CSER, which still holds true.
• The entire Harry Potter franchise (and The Varsity Show) only featured/needed one Black student…this fact also still holds true.

Justify your existence in 30 words or less: Sticky Wings (Dallas BBQ). Haribo Gummy Bears. Westside Market’s Tango Panini (with onions). Edith, Chuks, and Chinyere Ekwelum. Popeye’s Biscuits. Felicia Bishop. Wikipedia. Unsung & Unborn Strivers. bso@googlegroups.com. IRC. Sweatpants.

Is the War on Fun over? Who won? Any war stories? When I can still laugh at 6:30am, a few hours before my fifteen-page research paper, of which I’ve only written a header, is due, I know that I’ve immersed myself in the company of great people. If there is indeed a war, my friends and I are #winning.

Would you rather give up oral sex or cheese? According to Wikipedia, there are over 500 different varieties of cheese recognized by the International Dairy Federation. Specificity is key!

Advice for the class of 2016:

• Don’t be afraid to hold administrators accountable.
• Make sure you’ve seen/held an e-form before you graduate. Additionally, invest in the Columbia community but don’t lose yourself in it.
• We are all products of various socializations. Constantly challenge yourself to understand why you believe in what you believe.
• If frat parties aren’t your thing, don’t make it a thing you do.
• Experiment with your education; you might not actually want to be a banker or doctor. You never know how a random elective might enhance or clarify your academic and/or personal interests.
• No means no.
• Cry when you’re overwhelmed. The purge is so necessary.
• STUDENTS OF COLOR: people at this institution have sullied the terms “multicultural,” “community,” “diversity,” and “global.” Don’t buy into the propaganda, the “self-segregationists” that I’ve encountered at Columbia have primarily been White students. Don’t get distracted…just keep strivin’.

Any regrets? I regret not dating enough. #scramble (?)