The new “Man Isle” at Westside Market, dedicated to stocking stereotypical “bro fare,” has received quite a bit of attention. The LA Times, The Atlantic, The Huffington Post, Fox News, Jezebel, The New York Post, Yahoo!, The New York Observer, and The NJ Star-Ledger have all reported on the condom-bearing, hot sauce laden aisle, which also carries Doritos, razors, beef jerky, and a solid selection of deo. Our own Bijan Samareh also reports. Kind of.

As I depart my ship and land upon this strange island, one thought courses through my humors: can a brother get some food? I dock my ship on the shore of a rare patch of green called Riverside Park. Humans, clad in bare cloth, run with strange devices in their ear, along with dogs which they command through tiny nooses. I try to congratulate one female on such a Roman display of power, but all I get is a “get away from me you pirate freak!” How dare she call me a pirate! Pirates rape, pillage, and destroy. Explorers do that too, BUT we do so in the name of her majesty colonialism! Everyone knows the world would be a better place if it was Europe. And who let a woman out on her own? With a personal beast to command, nonetheless. I would call for a hanging, but my belly rumbles with dissatisfaction. To the nourishment.

As I walk through the streets of this strange city called “New York” (by the way, what’s wrong with York? Still a fine city if you ask me), enormous shrines to the gods litter every corner. The locals seem to practice some sort of polytheism in which each god has his or her own temple. Popularity lies with the ones named “Pinkberry,” “Five Guys,” and “Havana Central.” I believe the former two are gods of some sort of hedonism, as the worshipers stuffs their faces with meat and frozen cream. And “Havana Central?” I’ve heard of Havana, but all I know it as is a fertile land filled with soulless savages. Good thing we took their sugar. I finally spot a grand display of fruits and vegetables under a tarp labeled “Westside Market”. One step close to sweet gustation.

I grab some sort of apple from the display and take a hearty bite. Ah, you can it eat without slicing it, and finish by nibbling around the core, just like an onion! A man in a black garment with the Westside Market insignia accosts me (he must be pretty high ranking, as he wears some sort of skirt on which rubs the residue from arranging his spoils).

(more…)

Just moments ago, a tipster divulged that Public Safety has taken covert and highly controversial new surveillance measures. Implanted on the heavily-trafficked inner doors to what our tipster reveals is called “Brogan” (Broadway/Hogan), this new security system monitors all potentially dangerously displays of bro-ing out.  These include, but are not limited to, smuggling 30-racks of Natty-light and Costco-sized containers of Creatine into dorm rooms, wearing any combination of sweatpant-sweatshirt to a class or meal, fist pumping, dougie-ing, and speaking loudly about being the “most jacked dude” in Mel’s/Cannon’s the night prior to aforementioned assertion.

Stare into the unblinking abyss, bros.  There’s nowhere left to hide.

Big BROther is watching you.

Things to Avoid: Party Fouls

It’s time for midterms, Columbia, and if you haven’t already, pretty soon you will need to study. And if you will need to study, obviously, you will need to procrastinate. And if you need to procrastinate, who better to ask than a bro? This is Bwog’s official guide to online brocrastination:

BroBible: Every bro has a story

• Sample Headline: The 50 Hottest Colombian Women
• Sample Content: “At some point in his life, every man dreams of owning a beautiful, expensive sports car. They’re fast, flashy, and drop panties like its their job.”

Bros Like This Site: Bros like all this shit

• Sample Headline: #89 Hating Hipsters
• Sample Content: “Much like girls in America go down on pretty much anything with a European accent, you better believe that shit works the other way around when bros go abroad. If you can get past the whole armpit hair bullshit, then you should be ready for a nice foreign pounding.”

On The Bro’d: Every Sentence Of Jack Kerouac’s On The Road, Retold For Bros.

• Sample Headline: 62 – Car Surfing And Shotgunning
• Sample Content: “How that RV flew through the Nebraska chode—the chode that sticks out over Colorado! And soon I realized I was for real over Colorado, though not for real in it, but looking southwest toward Denver itself a few hundred miles away. I got stoked as fuck. We shotgunned some Natties.”

Barstool U: By the C- Student for the C- Student

• Sample Headline: Dude Delays Flight 1.5 Hours Because He Refuses To Fly With Woman Pilot
• Sample Content: “Oh what’s that you say Guinness? You don’t have a world record for us to break? Well we’ll just make one the fuck up and break the shit out of it! World’s longest fish taco line bitch!”

MyLifeIsBro: Life is pretty chill today, bro.

• Sample Headline: There are none. Here are some gratuitous links.
• Sample Content: “Just drank a slushie in the shower. It was chill.”

suburban basement via Wikimedia Commons

Why didn’t you think of this first? 

Six CC ’09 gentlemen who met on their pre-Orientation COOP trip have started a blog from their EC townhouse. Designed with a bright red hue to echo their townhouse’s decoration (“as if McDonald’s built a ski chalet”). Casting reformed gender norms to the wind, the group has chosen the title of “The Mansuite,” an epithet for the group that existed long before the blog.

Updated often (for now, at least), the Mansuite blog boasts a photo album with rotating shots of recent parties the bro-consortium has hosted. One such photo, which depicts the archetypal scene of a frenzied and cramped college party, is the permanent bottom banner of the site. Previous posts have included documentation of the Mansuiters’ $450 spending sprees treks at the 125th Street Fairway and of scooter rides down the Lerner ramps.

It is unclear where the idea to start the blog came from, but in a short play one member (who would only go by the alias of “Colin Drummond”) wrote for Bwog in an attempt to link Mansuite back to its roots, the member wrote of a fallen scooter, upturned risotto bowl, puddle of spilled wine and a freeze frame of Gossip Girl forming the letters B-L-O-G. If this description is any indication, the Mansuite is certainly worth a read.

- ECS