Image via plasticless.com

Just as you’re feeling comfortable with this new semester, you feel a sudden wetness. 

Yes, CU Assassins is back, launching with E-Week 2009.  ESC has more information in a blog post thing, awkwardly titled “Oh Snaps.”  Clearly, this is going to be a killer event, as it involves multiple snaps “from behind.” 

We’ve already shared tips on being merciless in this competition, so hurry and sign up all this week at any E-Week event before hearing about the rules and regulations; the explanatory meeting is on Friday.

Oh boy, the “New Facebook” that you’ve been hearing nothing about is here. What’s different about New Facebook? Well, for one thing, it’s certainly wider! And your wall posts are outlined in gray. But apparently there are other differences, and the madman behind this creation has explained them all in his Facebook blog:

• The Publisher lets you put content on your own Wall. Like writing on your own Wall, but now it’s called The Publisher. 

• Size matters: You can adjust the size of things on your profile, “to promote the things you care about most, and demote the stories you don’t find as interesting.” 

• Your own Wall will stalk you.  “The Wall now surfaces the most recent and relevant information—in the form of posts of stories—about you. We believe that having a constant stream of information, or ‘feed’ is the most effective way to learn about and keep up with friends.”

Facebook loyalists have been rallying to the defense of New Facebook, pointing out that the new photo browsing function is easier to use.  But go see for yourself, and then choose a side, for the question of New Facebook allegiance is surely the defining one of our generation. 

UPDATE: More terror lies ahead after the jump.

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We rocked so hard, I thought we’d be together forever. And then you came back from Bulgaria with him. So I followed you home. And shouted expletives at your window all night long, and kept strands of your hair in a little box on my nightstand. I didn’t see the harrassment charges coming.

From now on: What? You don’t know who directed Angels in the Outfield! Get out of my sight. And don’t forget to go out the back door, or you’ll emerge from this place coated in Vaseline!

Woman! Get in the Kitchen and Bake Me Some Pie! 

Woman! Get in the Kitchen and Bake Me Some Pie! Again. 

Public Safety is now on the Facebook in the person of John Murolo, the Morningside Campus Director. Let’s all welcome him into our trusting community with open arms and many Facebook friendship invitations. It must be tough to come back as The Man only two years after graduating at the fresh young age of fifty years. Let us make the transition easier, together.

Overheard at the Activities Fair…

“Well, this is an official Columbia event now: Jeffery Hunter Northrop III has taken off his shirt.”

and near the Hartley-Wallach rotunda…

“We can’t both quit [Facebook] because then there would be no Facebook Stalker.”

Scene: a bar on the Upper East Side.

A curly-haired man in his mid-20s approaches a Barnard senior and asks if she’s heard of David Blaine. “David and I, we’re kind of friends,” the man says. He then reveals that he’s a magician, and offers to show her a trick. “Sure,” she says, at which point the man reaches into his pocket and produces a dark blue velvet pouch.

Realizing that he’s for real, the Barnard student brings over her friends to see the spectacle. He places three coins in her hand and closes her fingers over the coins. When she opens her hand, the original coins have transformed into … different coins. The girls applaud and disperse.

He then asks if the girl wants to go out with him sometime and “see the real magic.”

Also! Learn why “God is just an overhyped David Blaine.”

In an email sent this evening, LLC director Scott Helfrich warns the student body to be on the lookout for a shady character who has been terrorizing a certain floor of McBain as of late. Helfrich included two photos and an account of the man’s actions as described by Public Safety, which reads as follows:

On April 21, 2006 at about 6 P.M. a Columbia University student reported that a male, black, light complexion, shaved head, slim build, 6’ tall, wearing baggy clothes—black shirt, denim pants and white sneakers entered the ladies shower area on the 5th floor of McBain Hall.

No further description of the crime is included, leaving Bwog with a few questions. Did this man enter the building with a CUID? If not, how did he make it past our impenetrable security forces? Was he planning on taking a shower? Maybe he was just confused. Let’s not jump to conclusions.

At any rate, Bwog is happy to finally know for sure what it has always suspected: that creepy stalker guys are more intimidated by Columbia girls than the other way around. According to the email:

When the student confronted the male, he fled.