As exams begin to wind down, Bwog advocatus diaboli John Sarlitto defends what has been making your life a living hell since Friday: the in-class final.

Two black holes merging: brought to you by your neurosis and a take home final

“How many finals do you have?” you might hear someone ask in those heady twilight moments of the semester, before the darkness and the shadows truly set in. A common enough response goes something like, “Four, but it’s ok; two are take-homes.”

Friends, set aside my unconvincing attempt to simulate human dialogue—because this sentiment is definitively NOT ok.

I’m here to defend the much-maligned in-class final, but against what? Just as spiders have the basilisk and your stomach has weird John Jay meat, the in-class has an ancient enemy it fears above all others: the term paper. The voices of our ancestors have weighed in on their mortal combat before, and the contest will rage long after all of us are gone. This isn’t the place to resolve it. The take-home, however, is an unwelcome interloper. Somewhere between essay and exam, it embodies the worst elements of each.

Read on to find out why the In-Class is so superior.

Oh how the tables will be turned!

As the old Latin phrase goes, quis custodiet custodes? or, who will harshly grade your really harsh TA? The answer should be you. Remember to exercise your agency and fill out those course evaluation forms! For both Barnard and Columbia classes, they’re due tomorrow (cleverly before final exams). While you’re at it, don’t forget to contribute to the collective wisdom by filling out a CULPA evaluation or two. At the very least, you’ll be giving Bwog something to read during its summer internship.

Didactic diagram via Wikimedia Commons.