Morningside Heights may have spent all summer heaving great sobs of loneliness, but it isn’t about to greet newcomers and returning students with super puffy eyes. On the contrary, it’s been having quite a bit of work done. Send any minutiae we missed to tips@bwog.com.

Fitting for a bright, cold day in April:

A tipster dispels the myth of no fun in Furnald with this joyful schoolyard memory. But is this truly an innocent playground game–or is it a staging ground for the next Drinking with Bwog?

Kickin it old school.

Empty

Update, 12:33 pm: The event is well underway. There are indeed milk and cookies, but the atmosphere is less than convivial and certainly not conducive to munching. Fifty first-years huddle around a teacher, who said to the silent, scribbling students, “Okay, now construct a thesis to go along with these points.”

Bwog knows how this sounds—but there’s basically a first-year paradise in Furnald this week. For school stuff.

RHLO, which is like a pilot student government for first-year dorms, is hosting study sessions throughout the week for all your bread and butter first-year classes. Check out the schedule: they’ve got Lit Hum, Frontiers, Calc III, and Gen Chem.

The first one is for Lit Hum, specifically on Genesis and Job, in the Furnald Lounge, from noon to 1 pm today. There will be cookies and milk and other snacks.

Furnald: Not zoned for intercourse.

Think your first round of midterms is stressful? At least your parents aren’t in town—note the following exchange between a macho-looking father and his Furnaldian son. The dialogue took place in a Furnald hallway, whilst the father pointed toward the dorm’s notorious resident condom bag.

Father: So, have you been utilizing these condominiums?

Son: Uhh, yeah. Sure.

One kind of “high-rise” via Wikimedia Commons.

It’s been hard to ignore the onslaught of sex-related tips we’ve received lately, so please consider this a PSA: stop being so immature! Seriously, you guys, just cut it out. Because we at Bwog think potty humor, euphemistic headlines, and double-entendre-ridden tags are totally juvenile and not funny. At all.

In fact, we didn’t even begin to crack a smile at the following reconstruction of Carman 8′s bulletin board. Nor did we do that embarrassing snort-y thing in public to keep from releasing even one beat of a chuckle:

It would probably be for the best if whoever takes down this display wears a pair (or nine) of gloves.

Same goes for this warning sign, posted above a bag of free condoms on Furnald 7. We interpreted the sentiment with complete sincerity, and support the effort:

Nip slips, however, will still be permitted and, in sooth, encouraged.

The following arrangement was spotted in Furnald—which may we puh-lease just emphasize is NOT Carman—this past weekend. We’ve got to hand it to the guy who made this sign: you’ve done excellent work with the shading on the giant arrow. Nothing says “clean up after yourself” like some classic light-to-dark 3D action.

Seriously, where did he/she get a laminator?

A tipster noticed this fantastic file name sitting at the bottom of the Furnald printer queue. While only slightly more subtle than last time, there is a strong possibility that this is an actual paper. Why didn’t you just name it “AnimalScienceLab.docx” like everyone else?

No, the joke is not "froscipaper.docx"

Pre-frosh! Upon reading this review you will be appraised of 3/4 of your housing options! You’ve already learned your Carman from your John Jay. That’s like first-year housing ABCs! You’ll be ready for May 1st in no time.

Now, behold Furnald. It’s a pretty cool, and different, place. Tomorrow we’ll give you a taste of the LLC, and then you’ll be all set.

Furnald is, strictly with regard to physical quality, superior to all other freshman dorms. The place is often called a “hotel” for its beautiful lounge, carpeted floors, and damn fine facade. Furnald boasts great views of Broadway in west-facing rooms, and campus in east-facing rooms. If you’re lucky to get a high enough floor on the western side, you’ll have a view of Riverside Park, the Hudson, and Jersey. Living arrangements are mostly singles, mixed in with a few (smallish) doubles.

What really sets Furnald apart from Carman and John Jay is the presence of a few sophomores. Some Columbians contend that since sophomores have established social circles, floors are quieter and community is stunted; others hold that since most students make their good friends through student groups, having a quiet room to retreat to is desirable. Lately, however, the administration has been allocating more rooms to first-years and fewer to sophomores, so this perception may be growing outdated. Indeed, it could be useful to have a nice sophomore around for advice!

It may be the fact that it’s the less-social reputation which endows Furnald with “nerdy” and studious rep. Basically, if it were a Harry Potter house, it’d be Ravenclaw. But don’t let that turn you off from Furnald: there are plenty of places to party besides your own dorm, and really, it’s the nicest housing option. You can’t lose.

Just the Facts:

• Nearby places: Furnald, like all other freshman dorms, is basically close to everything.  It’s adjacent to Lerner, across South Field from Hamilton, and a short walk from Butler. Also, Furnald is very close the the 1 (especially the 115th Street exit!) and Broadway attractions. It is the furthest dorm from John Jay dining hall, but we’re talking about a matter of a few feet.
• Bathrooms: Floor bathrooms, male and female.
• AC/Heating: Yes and yes!
• Kitchen/Lounge: The lounges at Furnald kick ass. Each floor has a big plasma TV, couches, and a full kitchen which—in most cases—is actually clean, and can provide community and a break from John Jay.
• Laundry: In the basement, 6 washer and 5 dryers.
• Computers/Printers: There’s a lab on the 1st floor with three computers and one printer.
• Intra-transportation: Two elevators.
• Wi-Fi: In the basement lounge; only Ethernet for the rooms

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Never fear, Columbians. Dear Bwog has returned once again to help you solve your collegiate quandaries. This week, our favorite “heterosexual male Suzy May” tackles one of the tougher issues of college dating—what to do when the one you “love” is fading you out.

Dear Bwog,

After what I thought were three successful dates, this guy I thought really liked me started to cool down very quickly. No concrete plans, evasive texts, (“super busy”), even though the semester had barely begun, etc. I haven’t heard from him for two weeks now and having inquired, I know he’s not dating anyone new. I don’t want to push this or seem psycho, but I’m genuinely confused about what happened here. What’s wrong with guys?!

Sincerely,

Confuzzled in Furnald

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In which ex-freshman Parker Fishel imparts his first-year dorm wisdom.

Carman

There is a magnetism about Carman that tends to polarize its residents.

There are some that are fiercely loyal to the residence hall, almost to the point of confrontational. They will hear nothing of the overflowing trash bins and it’s resulting stench, nor the overpowering debauched bacchanalia of the place. To them, this is just the ambiance and you couldn’t get a better I’m in New York City! Freshman Year! No Parents! Let’s Party! vibe anywhere else in the city (well, okay, probably at NYU, but those damn hipsters would never admit it).

The other sect of Carman’s residents begin to reveal themselves progressively throughout the year, though never to fellow Carman-ites who would take the slightest hint of negativity as high treason. These are the kids who find the whole scene kind of, well, grotesque. You’ll find them nesting in Butler, Lerner, anywhere that isn’t Carman and when you ask them where they live they say “Carman” with reluctance. But hey, to each their own.

I would, however, like to leave you with my favorite Carman anecdote. One Tuesday night, I was going up to a friend’s on the 6^th floor to borrow an air mattress. In the elevator was a girl who looked a little weirded out; I soon found out why. On the floor of the elevator was a piece of toilet paper with smeared excrement on it (to put it nicely). I can’t say whether this in particular was a common occurrence, but I can say that it was gross. Needless to say, I took the stairs back down.

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