And so it ends—not with a bang, but with a whimper—the last semester of the first decade of the new millennium. And if you needed more roundabout and somewhat forced catharsis than that, we asked for your professors’ closing remarks, and here is a collection of the most outstanding. Feel free to leave any we forgot in the comments. Study well!

Paige West, Interpretation of Culture:
“Remember, condoms rhymes with fun.”

Susan Elmes, Intermediate Microeconomics
Wincing after rolling a chalkboard in need of WD-40: “I am NOT going to miss this chalkboard.”

Panagiota Daskalopoulos, Ordinary Differential Equations
After talking about her time as a grad student at the University of Chicago, in reference to exams: “You know how it’s like when someone has suffered a lot, and they want to make other people suffer too?”

David Weinstein, Economic Organization and Development of Japan
“Will Japan be able to restore its growth again? Well, if Japan grows again it will provide a world of opportunity for you, and a new set of lecture notes for me.”

“Just because Japan has an aging population does not mean we can assume that there will be a blow out of the budget deficit. There are costs associated with young people. They tend to do things like commit crimes… and form drug cartels. But only Columbia College students would do that. Not the GS students here.”

James Shapiro, Shakespeare I
Suggesting a possible question for the final exam: “Drugs and incest: How do A Midsummer Night’s Dream and Hamlet prepare you for Columbia?”

Cathy Popkin, Literature and Empire
“I’m always ready to talk about Chekhov. I still have my ‘I love Chekhov’ tattoo.”

Caterina Musatti, Principles of Economics
“Around the year zero, when Jesus was born, it would have taken you about 7,000 years for the economy to double output. Maybe Jesus should have focused more on the economy… then again, when you can come back from the dead, you don’t really have a great concept of time.”

Gary Okihiro, Intro to Comparative Ethnic Studies
“Do your best to leave behind traces of a life well-lived.”

Roosevelt Montas, CC
“Locke is like a Christmas carol—music to our ears.”

Marcellus Andrews, Intro to Economic Reasoning
“We should really have a class on how to fuck.”

Beau Shaw, CC
“So… did any of you spend the weekend in jail?”

Evan Neely, Art Hum
“I have nothing more to say about art. Now you have to look at it yourself and figure it out. Actually, no. Go get a drink now. Tomorrow, look at art.”

“If you don’t see the value in understanding how other people make meaning… that’s not my problem.”

Randall Balmer, Unknown Class
After handing out the finals and leaving the TA to proctor: “Alright… well… have a nice life!”

Sarah Schaeffer, Art Hum
“But I don’t wanna end the class talking about Nazis, so here’s a picture of The Simpsons.”

Richard Sacks, Lit Hum
[A student asks, "Will we need any of our books for next semester?"]
“I don’t know. It depends, maybe you’ll go to a party like Jesus and run out of wine and you’ll need extra shelf space to hold a few 6 packs at all times to keep up the party.”

Gary Okihiro, Intro to Comparative Ethnic Studies
“You don’t wake up in the morning and go, ‘Damn! I’m white!’”

Matthew Jones, CC
“I kept trying to get you guys to talk about sex, drugs, and rock & roll, but all you wanted to talk about was public policy.”

Christia Mercer, Lit Hum
“Rock, paper, scissors, penises! …and vaginas! it’s the end of the semester, anything goes!”

It’s time for another installment of our exam season photo essays. The amount of paper crammed into a single desk never ceases to amaze:

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One student decided to spruce up the Schapiro sky lounge:

The floor lamp might’ve been a little much to get past the Butler guard.

Bwog Daily Editor James Downie was procrastinating by… scoping out the 2009 academic calendar. How else? Anyway, bad news: enjoy reading week this semester, because next fall term, there’ll only a “Study Day.” 

“Oh no!” you say? Oh yes. Exams run from Wednesday to Wednesday, rather than Friday to Friday, meaning that we have just a solitary day of preparation: Tuesday, December 15th, 2009. Break itself is shorter too; just 26 days, assuming you get out on that Wednesday.

Bwog ventured into the dark heart of Butler to snap some photos of the most lived-in cubicles, desks, and chairs. Columbia, what we saw, it frightened us: A Red Bull bottle converted into a flower vase for a single dying rose, sheets and sheets of notebook paper used as a make-shift gum cemetery, more of 212′s salads than we’d ever cared to smell–we thought we had seen it all.

But then a boy, having noticed our camera, went up Bwog and informed us that somewhere on the fourth floor, a creature was dwelling who had taped pictures of her family on the walls. While we weren’t able to locate this girl, we encourage you to email us (bwog@columbia.edu) artifacts from your own Butler safari or photos of your workspace. More photos after the jump.

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As several commenters have kindly reminded us, the 3rd(?) Annual Finals Eve Pillow Fight will be taking place on South Lawn in front of Butler tonight at midnight (or 11:55, according to the Facebook event). Please bring you game face and a pillow.

Pictured at right: some of the carnage from last year’s battle royale.

UPDATE, 11:45: The fun begins in just fifteen minutes, but Bwog just realized that our camera phone doesn’t have a flash. If you’re attending the pillow fight, send us your pictures, and we’ll post them once we recover from our war wounds.

UPDATE, 12:15: Shit is out of control. At 12:00, Bwog witnessed two tidal waves of sleep-deprived humanity crash against each other in a Braveheart-style battle royale. There was an audible “oomph” as bodies and pillows smashed into each other. The Primal Screaming has not ceased in the past 20 minutes–new waves of yelling are coming about every five minutes. Insane.

In lieu of a typical Guide to the Weekend, Bwog has decided to poll its listservs and aggregate a more helpful list of activities. The following are answers to the question “What do you do to procrastinate?” We hope you’ll try out one or two (or nine) of our ideas and use the comment thread to suggest your own. Happy weekend!

• Change the font and wording of my resume

• Decide to take up short story writing

• Even though I live in a dorm, check Craigslist for apartments

• Make new Gmail labels

• Paint with nail polish on Post-It notes

• Change my desktop background

• Translating Spanish philosophers

• Taking four hour midday naps

• Fixing my bike

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If Butler’s claustrophobia and competitiveness isn’t your idea of a great study atmosphere, CQA informs us that the LGBT lounge in the Furnald Basement will be open from three to midnight for Tuesday through Thursday of reading week.

To those of you whose idea of studying doesn’t involve reading—and really, who even has that kind of time?—tune in to CTV’s Core Review series. A CU Players production of Agamemnon is scheduled for 4pm, followed by Lit Hum at 5pm both tomorrow and Thursday. 

And for the lucky ones heading home already (or longingly dreaming of the day), visit the ESC-sponsored CarSplit and save yourself $20 en route to JFK. Northeasterners braving the train should sit tight, Bwog will re-run its travel tips post later in the week. In the meantime, we invite you to send more travel advice our way at bwog@columbia.edu.

Bwog wishes all a happy end of classes and a grudging welcome to reading week! While writing a paper this weekend, one B&W editor wondered aloud whether there was any way to highlight text in Word and change the case of the selected text. As per usual, Master of Word Zach van Schouwen was standing by with solution on hand.

A short illustrated tutorial:

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Aah, reading week–that grey area between class and finals, when you know you should be studying but really probably aren’t.  Looking for ways to pep it up?  Bwog is here, in the form of a Seth Flaxman e-mail, to help.

1. Watch movies! (Prep for Sundance)

According to the Columbia University homepage, An unprecedented five feature films and nine short films by Columbia University students and alumni will screen at the 2007 Sundance Film Festival, which will take place in Utah from January 18 to 28.  That’s fourteen!  Oh em geee!  We are so cool.  For reals.

2. Have your fortune told! (Transfer to Barnard)

Stop by upper level Mac today on Barnard’s campus to participate in the festivities of “Ye Olde Stress Free Day,” going on until 4 PM.  Rumor has it there’s free food, a magician, face painting, crown making (because we are all Columbia Royalty!) and, Bwog’s favorite, a tarot card reader.  Just don’t ask whether or not you’re going to pass your exams.  

3. Give in to your desires! (Lead me not into temptation)

Bwog covered this a few months ago, but Sunday’s New York Times Magazine picked up the story as well: a couple of researchers at Columbia Business School have recently come out with a study stating that when all is said and done, people who give in to day-to-day vices end up happier than those who don’t.  In the words of Professor Ran Kivetz, the man behind the study, Bwog has found a new mantra: “Guilt is quick to rise, and quick to fall.”

Thanks to Chris Szabla, Avishai Gebler, and Owain Evans for the tips.