Just as you realize that watching all those Breaking Bad episodes reading all your chemistry textbooks during break still doesn’t shake that feeling that you’re not quite so ready for another semester, your professors made another round of funny comments to get you back into the swing of things.

Couch Potato i.e. I know what you did last summer

Professor Richard Bulliet, History of America in the Muslim World 

“Hitler’s been the gold standard of evilness.”

Eric Blanchard, Gender and International Relations

On why weekend e-mail responses tend not to be so prompt: “Because sometimes we need to go to Tijuana, too.”

Brad Garton, Music Hum

“As you can tell, we’re going to spend a lot of time on avant garde stuff and contemporary music. Why? Because I have tenure! Muahahaha.”

Erik Gray, Literary Texts & Critical Methods

“Have you ever noticed how people pretend to eat babies?”

Norma Graham, Statistics for Behavioral Scientists

”We used to have a heavy contingent from Barnard. They must have learned—they have learned how to teach statistics.”

Read more…

Keep your eyes open for the October issue of The Blue & White, which, after a delay from the printers, has finally arrived to campus! In the meantime, Bwog will honor our heritage/amorous affair with our mother magazine by posting highlights of the upcoming issue online. Among the treats to look forward to: Knickerbocker Motorsports: a surprisingly gripping history, an examination of Columbia’s updated sexual assault policy, and the festive search for magic on campus. In case you did not know, regarded Columbia history professor Richard Bulliet, outside of his academic career, writes fiction. Of his five novels to date, all seem to give a shocking importance to camels, or other equivalent quadrupeds. Below, staff writer Matthew Schantz and senior editor Brian Wagner approach this myster, with close readings analyses of passages from (in this order) Bulliet’s Kicked to Death by a Camel and The One-Donkey Solution: A Satire.

Kicked to Death by a Camel

“…I told [Gino] that I only studied the history of camels and had no intention of getting to know them that closely. Apparently [Gino] just walks out until he finds someone with a camel and asks them to give him a ride. Personally, I think it’s rather stupid. You get on the damn thing; some guy leads you around for an hour until you have a sore ass; and then you pay him money. Ridiculous.” (27)

Camel-researcher Roger’s complaint delineates the dichotomy between those who act and those who study. If we allow ourselves to view Gino not only as a literal fellow traveler, but a “fellow traveler” as the term is used for a communist sympathizer, Roger’s griping hints at the ramifications of never engaging in an activity that one judges. Gino, like the fellow travelers, enters the fray without subscribing to ideology—he “walks out until he finds someone with a camel,” displaying his unbridled gusto to engage with the situation, without assuming it will end well or poorly ahead of time. Likewise, fellow travelers, though they sympathized with communists, did not join the party, thus refusing to blindly swallow communist dogma.

Gino’s nationality reinforces this reading. During the time-period in which the term “fellow-traveler” was in vogue, the Italian government’s stability fluctuated wildly. Thus, the Italians do not subscribe to predetermined readings of their surroundings.

Gino provides the negative space into which Roger’s prejudices emerge, starkly contrasted. Roger, like many Americans during the Cold War, immediately assumes that the Other (the camel rider, the Communist) is bad, dangerous, unknowable, and conflates multiple social taboos. Roger’s description of Gino’s camel riding practices suggests Gino is soliciting sex: Gino pays money to an anonymous “guy” for an hour that will end with “a sore ass.” By heaping socially pre-established taboos upon each other, Roger demonstrates the extent of his blindness. Read more…

Eric Foner’s “Civil War and Reconstruction” and Kenneth Jackson’s “History of the City of New York” are some of the most well-known classes at Columbia, and every year, it seems half of Columbia tries to register for them. But there may be a better way. While stumbling around Columbia’s web site, Bwog discovered a cache of “e-seminars” from Foner and Jackson, along with other Columbia luminaries like Richard Bulliet and Alan Brinkley.

Watching a couple e-seminars obviously provides a different experience from attending class, for better (no final!) or worse (no midnight bike ride). The topics of the e-seminars also appear to vary slightly from the topics the professors cover in class. But even though these lectures are free and offer no credit, Columbia refuses to give them away to the public. Before watching each e-seminar, you have to log in with your UNI and password, which means your mother, brother, and second cousin can’t take Foner’s e-seminar (unless you give them your UNI and password).

Which e-seminar series should you check out first? Here are our recommendations:

• Eric Foner, “Slavery and Emancipation“
• Kenneth Jackson, “History of the City of New York“
• Alan Brinkley, “America Since 1945“
• Richard Bulliet, “America and the Muslim World“
• Randall Balmer, “Religion in Modern America“
• Casey Blake, “Intellectual History of the United States, 1890–1945“

Help yourself to some more newsy musings from Bwog’s cluttered Columbia Bureau desk. We proclaim this edition loosely linked by the theme of exploring.

Baxter Wood “drives around in a big truck,” listens to free university lecture podcasts and blogs about his “reeducation.” It’s learning for the sake of it! Recently Wood reviewed a lecture from Richard Bulliet’s History of the World to 1500. “Blerg,” says the cynic, “why shell out tuition when I can get it all for free?” It’s about the experience, man.

Robin Hood: also an adventurer

The latest in Lokomotion: The drink that once fueled your drunken debauchery will now literally be fuel. MXI is recycling and converting unused Four Loko into ethanol. It seems our favorite endlessly chronicled drink is trading up from party machines to actual machines.

Ever since Bwog saw that Hey Arnold episode about the sewer king, we’ve been weirdly obsessed with mole people and tunneling. Columbia alum Steven Duncan explored “the wilderness below your feet” in a five-day tour of the NYC’s subterranean skeleton. The Urban Spelunker even stopped by his alma mater—not for the hallowed halls but for the treacherous tunnels. Spelunkin’ Duncan and his cronies headed to Avery for some much needed sleep: “we descend to the basement and crawl through a narrow tunnel lined with steam pipes. Fifty feet on, a ladder rises to a dirt-floored boiler room. Damp heat, clanking steel. We spread our bedrolls, say good night. Voices overheard—sounds like a French class.” What a badass.

This may be the first time Butler goggles have led to true love, but remember we have a pretty good track record with the Vows section. Bwog’s heart is warmed.

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If this new-fangled Twitter thing is to be believed, there’s some big things a-poppin’ in Iran, and the world media has been calling up Columbia professors for their reactions. The man with the most screen time this time around has probably been Professor Gary Sick (at right), which is not surprising given that he was the “the principal White House aide for Iran during the Iranian Revolution and the hostage crisis.” That’s the kind of bullet point that gets attention, and Sick has been quoted all over the media, including the BBC, The Daily Beast, the Washington Post, and Politico. Plus, somewhat fittingly, you can follow him on his Tumblr account.

Other professors are getting in on the act as well, including Hamid Dabashi, Phillip Bobbit, and Richard Bulliet. The most creative commentary, though, has come from Ph.D. candidates Alexandra Scacco and Bernd Beber, who argued in Saturday’s Post that the election results were likely rigged because the numbers did not look random enough. Trust us, it makes sense.

In non-Iran news, one group of Columbia professors have discovered two brain systems used to accurately predict others’ emotions, and another group has found that the subway is 15 decibels quieter than it was three years ago. Also, Meghan McCain appears to have dedicated her post-election career to one proposition only: embarassing herself as much as possible. 

- Image via The Associated Press

A commenter alerted Bwog earlier tonight to the plight of UN official and CC and SIPA graduate John Solecki, who is being held hostage in Pakistan. Solecki, the head of U.N.’s refugee office in Quetta, Pakistan, was captured on February 2nd. On Monday, his captors said Solecki would be killed if their demands (which include the release of Pakistani political prisoners) are not met in four days. Solecki’s father, Ralph, is a professor emeritus at Columbia. While at Columbia as both an undergraduate and as a SIPA grad student, Solecki studied under Richard Bulliet, who wrote a touching column about him when he was first kidnapped.

In a ray of hope, an Iranian website quotes the Pakistani Interior Minister as saying that Pakistani security forces have discovered where Solecki is being held, and he will soon be released. Regardless, Bwog hopes for his safe return, and our thoughts are with his family.

Today, a group of faculty members sent a letter with 120 professor signatures regarding PrezBo’s “silence regarding academic freedom in Palestine.” While the last Israel/Palestine student rally may not have exactly been of 1968-proportions (ah, but what is these days), the faculty list has many well-known professors, including Lila Abu-Lughod, Gil Anidjar, Richard Bulliet, Yinon Cohen, Victoria de Grazia, Rashid Khalidi, Philip Kitcher, Mark Mazower, Bruce Robbins, Gayatri Spivak, and Michael Taussig. 

Several campus groups, including Students for a Democratic Society, have also been forwarding the email to several political and activist groups on campus with the hope that they can accumulate a “sizable list of student signatures” to add to their 107-person-and-growing Student, Alumni and Community Support list. The student list will not, however, be presented to Bollinger.

The full letter and faculty list can be found after the jump. UPDATE: Our post originally reported that the letter had been made public by SDS. In fact, according to SDS members, the letter was created by “faculty have passed it on to students, who have forwarded it around.” (Photo by LPM) Read more…

Bwog humbly presents part two in this semester’s anthology of professors’ opening remarks. 

Alfred MacAdam, Latin American Literature in Translation

While talking about the mysterious fourth floor of Barnard’s Milbank Hall

“I don’t know what they do with all those mirrors up there. Reminds me of Mae West – do you guys know who she was? She was a famous sex figure in the days of yore, and she had these mirrors on the ceiling of her bedroom, I guess to watch herself in action. I don’t really know how that would work.

Mimics moving head

‘Hey you, move your head, you’re blocking my view!’ Like that?”

Read more…

Bwog humbly presents our traditional anthology of professors’ opening remarks. Remember to send any overheards tomorrow to bwgossip@columbia.edu.

Morris Rossabi, History of the Mongols

“A visitor to Mongolia once came upon a Mongolian woman whom he

thought had enormous breasts that seemed to be moving. Upon further

investigation, he found that the woman was nursing a young lamb.” Rossabi then explained this story showed the strong relation between man and animal in Mongolia.

Marcellus Andrews, Intro to Economic Reasoning (Barnard)

“So as you can see, I’m an old black man. And today is a day where old black men tend to get weepy. I’m ugly when I cry, so I’ll restrain myself.” Read more…

As per custom, Bwog unveils its list of the most outrageous and laughable comments made by professors at their first class meetings of the year.  Be sure to email us with all of the inspiring, hilarious, and insane things your professors say today to bwgossip@columbia.edu to keep our tradition alive, and please check back as we continuously update the list.

Christina Hunter, Art Hum

“This is a very easy class to fall asleep in, especially if you’re an athlete and have already ran 5000 laps. I suggest you sit in the uncomfortable chair in the front to stay awake.”

Self-described “quirky” Political Science Professor Mona El-Ghobashy, in Intro to Comparative Politics

(Explaining her thoughts on cell phones): “I’m probably one of five people in New York who doesn’t own a cell phone. I’m a cell phone hater, not a congratulator.”

(Answering why none of her works are on the syllabus): “You can look me up on Google!”

Read more…

Perpetual Bwog favorite Richard Bulliet has once again treated the students of Islamo-Christian Civilization to a semester of quotable quotations. Read and learn: this is the wit that lured Ahmadinejad to campus.

Too Much Information

It’s like getting a contact high when everyone around you is smoking dope but you don’t do that–you’re still sharing a bit of the blessing.

But let’s not mention Lyndon LaRouche because he’s kind of crazy. I wouldn’t have brought him up at all if my brother-in-law hadn’t devoted half his life to his cause.

Life Advice

I’m a dentist. If you want to lose weight, drink Raspberry Zinger tea. I’m a pharmacist. When I play baseball, I use Spalding balls.

Vladivostok: the southernmost city in Russia. There’s a little factoid for your next television appearance.

You’ll find the most beautiful tilework in the world there. And you should definitely think of visiting it…the next time you’re in Uzbekistan.

Read more…

Bnai Haman is going to have the most quasi-topical Purim ever. But first, some background: Bnai Haman is an activist group formed as a response to Bollinger, Bulliet, and Coatworth’s invitation of Iranian President Ahmadinejad to speak at Columbia—an invitation which in their opinion never should have been extended. Purim is the Jewish holiday celebrating the Jews’ escape from Haman’s plot (yes, as in “Bnai Haman”) to slaughter all Jews living in the Persian Empire.

Which brings us to Bnai Haman’s Purim celebration, which will be Ahmadinejad-themed this year. Says a Bnai Haman spokeswoman: “And just as Haman found those in ancient Persia who would listen to his incitements, so too did Columbia University provide a platform for Ahmadinejad to espouse Israel’s destruction to a global media audience.”

Party-goers will dress as Bollinger, Bulliet, Ahmadinejad and Coatsworth. Perhaps the role of Esther can be re-interpreted as a certain nasally female translator?

Remember Richard Bulliet? Remember the whole Ahmadinejad fiasco? Well history professor Bulliet was the one who extended the invite. Though for most people the drama has died down, some grudges remain. The site Richard W. Bulliet — Ratfink pretty much says it all. It’s even listed on Wikipedia as the “Unauthorized Richard W. Bulliet Homepage,” emphasis on the unauthorized.

Bulliet better be careful, someone actually spent money on a domain name to slander him. That means business.

Although he didn’t get in the news much, the man who orchestrated the Ahmadinejad visit was none other than domestic animal and ancient wheel expert (and Iranian history specialist) Richard W. Bulliet. Bwog sat down in his posh office in the Middle East Institute to ask him about his reactions to the speech and his reactions to the reactions to the speech. He had a lot to say in between writing an op-ed for The Washington Post and getting ready for a Ramadan iftar with the president of Turkey and Hillary Clinton. Bulliet being Bulliet, his comments used up our tape. Here’s what he said– in the first hour, anyways.

So, you told the Spectator that you think journalism is a “lapsed profession.” What did you mean by that?

Yeah. Well it’s been interesting to look a little bit at the responses to the talk yesterday. The more respected news [media] was accurate. They tended to put the stress on President Bollinger, but it was generally accurately reported, but it was also selective– No one actually covered Ahmadinejad’s speech. They covered his responses to the Q&A. You know, here’s a person who sought an American public forum, and who, even knowing that there was going to be some static, persisted in wanting this forum to happen. And then he chose to give the speech that he did, which was sophomoric and soporific and totally forgettable. It makes you ask the question, why did he do this? What was he thinking? One of my Iran informants said, well, you know, that’s who he is. He’s a religious man, he has a respect for knowledge, and he wanted to sort of say who he was. But from the press point of view, they already knew who he was. He was a Holocaust denying, Jew-hating, atom bomb-throwing evil, evil man. So the fact that his effort to present himself was just totally ignored by the press– well, that’s sort of suggestive of the way in which the press doesn’t distort, necessarily, except by selection. Read more…