Ruthless

So it would seem, judging by some of the kill reports on CU Assassin’s website. While some are as descriptive as last year and others blatantly to the point, one thing remains constant as the obvious thought and dedication that was put into each of these ambushes will show: these assassins take their jobs seriously… except for maybe Spicy’s guy—”killed him while walking randomly on campus.”

Victim: Kobe
Time of Death: Thu Mar 3 19:03:32 EST 2011
Summary of Death:
Lesson learned: fix your privacy settings for Facebook. I knew who your Big was in your sorority, who our mutual friends were, and, as if you were damned from the start, I could see all of your profile pictures, making it very easy to spot you in these cold, unforgiving streets. (Of course, it also helped that your friend happened to “make you” walk by Lerner just as I happened to do the same. I appear more impressive than I actually am. Still impressive, though, if I do say so myself.)

Victim: Yoshi
Time of Death: Wed Mar 2 14:20:42 EST 2011
Summary of Death:
Partner and I acquired target’s schedule, hid in target’s closet for 40 minutes, and terminated target as she walked into the room.

Victim: Rowena Ravenclaw
Time of Death: Sat Mar 5 14:40:28 EST 2011
Summary of Death:
Fair Rowena Ravenclaw sat down for a a feast her strength replenished through the flesh of a beast with the thought of death on her mind the least She forgot to check every crack, every crease A worthy opponent, three times a winner She killed without mercy, no remorse in her But karma always catches up with a sinner And tonight, Ravenclaw is for dinner Back in the present the hunt is on Rowena eats as Helga yawns She feels as safe as if she’s in her back lawn A sitting duck soon to be gone There crept Fresh, he approached from the east Calm and prepared, his gun was greased Rowena’s time was clearly leased And with the pull of the trigger her breathing ceased. Read more…

CU Assassins has finally come to a bloody, ruthless end. “The Commissioners” have informed the participants via email that Team “Teamname” officially won the game with three Agents still alive when Agent Claytoya murdered Agent bearclaw at 1:30pm today.

Though the last kill appears to be a clean one, the recent animosity over unclear kills persisted to the very end. The second to last of the kill reports contains an exerpt of an angry email sent by the victim to her murderer:

Time of Death: Monday, March 23 at 08:32 PM

Location of Death: Vine

Summary of Death: A great team, a great sport, a great kill. Also, i would just like to post part of an email sent to us by our previous victims… Enjoy. “Dear Douchebags, “I don’t know exactly who’s cock you sucked on the rules committee, but seriously, could you be any more of a bunch of jackasses?” skip to the end. “All in all, I’m just amazed that you kids can turn a few tiny drops into a clean shot to the back in each case. That must be some fantastic head for the rules chair. But I don’t want there to be any hard feelings, so I want to get each of you a consolation prize: a travel-sized bottle of Scope to get the taste of fresh cum out of your mouths. Enjoy your victory, you’ve certainly earned it. “Sincerely, A person who enjoyed this game until some douches took it over. (Aka Agent Tiger Steelrail)” Vined em. Then END.

In addition to politely apologizing for any judgments players might (just maybe) have found unfair, the email from on high awards Agent bearclaw the prize for most kills, Officer Darwin the award for best Police Officer, and Agent the candlestick a big hug from the ESC president for being the first agent killed.

Many congratulations to the various winners – may your aim always be true and your trigger fingers muscular.

(Photo above is of next year’s winners. No photo available of this year’s winning team)

Those of you following CU Assassins may have noticed that in place of the mocking, playful, and egotistical tones of early kill reports, many killins of the past week have been described with malice and aggression. Water-gun-in-your-face aggression.

There are now only two teams remaining in the game – one with two players, and one with three, and the road to the last round has not been an easy one.

Kill reports bear witness to some heated disagreements on the legality of the kill. Bwog also has reports of a vicious email from the realm of the dead accusing murderers of cheating. But let’s be real, history is DEF written by the winners.

Deceased: Diamond Dreamsizzle

Time of Death: Tuesday, March 10 at 03:34 PM

Summary of Death: The Dancing Beauties thought they could outsmart us, but having lasted so long, they didn’t really put up much of a fight. Tiger Steelrail was the first to go, and he pleaded for mercy. You were shot in the neck? I think not friend. Firmdriver was the next victim, and he tried to deny that he was playing. Try having your back fully against the wall, and not partially. Dreamsizzle thought she could outsmart us by standing side by side with her identical twin, but she was no match for us. I’m so sure the water “ricocheted” onto your back. Nice try. R.I.P. THEN END.

Deceased: Buttscratcha

Time of Death: Sunday, March 08 at 12:39 AM

Summary of Death: I’m not funneling kills, I’m just a master of disguise. You gonna dispute this one?

Of course, there were also some traditional kill reports quoting gangsta rap

Read more…

Bwog’s Associate Child Wrangler and Grassy Median Monitor Austin Brauser spotted a small person hiding in the brush on College Walk.

Are the British back?  Is he a CUAssassin? 

Don’t be alarmed – he’s probably just defending himself from stressed-out Columbians.

After the jump: Young person threatens cameraman. Read more…

Just a few days after the start of the beloved ESC festival of waterguns, over one third of the agents have been officially as dead as Empanada Joe’s, and CUAssassins is starting to get nasty. 

Less violent but just as serious as the war in the street is the competition between killers for the best kill report. Since our first look at them, the reports have only gotten more and more entertaining, sophisticated, and zing-y. One of Bwog’s favorites is even quite lyrical:

Deceased: rosestitos

Time of Death: Tuesday, February 24 at 05:12 PM

Location of Death: 114th between Broadway and Amsterdam

Summary of Death: I saw da Raj I killed da Raj I put his dead body in ma garage

Though few others attempted rhyme, also vying for the position of most poetic report is a more sophisticated stripe of snark

Deceased: Eleanor

Time of Death: Monday, February 23 at 09:34 PM

Location of Death: Outside of Havemeyer Hall

Summary of Death: We lay in wait for this great dame. We sent him to the Whitehouse in the sky.

Close to half of the killers chose to make their report original and quirky by poking fun at their victim’s agent name – some more colorfully than others

Deceased: BAMF

Time of Death: Monday, February 23 at 09:37 PM

Location of Death: Broadway

Summary of Death: When a BAMF gets PW3ND, does it make a sound?

Read more…

A new year means a new session of CUAssassins. Assassins reports for those unlucky souls who have been “killed” since the game began on Saturday at midnight are beginning to filter in from the front (aka “everywhere”).

Among the lessons learned from the first batch of kill reports: Agent “Cinnamon”  learned “Never say, ‘come in!!!’” and Agent “Potato” learned “CU democrats meetings arent so safe afterall…”

But the best kill report (so far) is of course the most extensive: Agent “iPod” was tragically killed while eating at Ollie’s, with his nameless assassin reporting that “Guilt, panic and utter shame warred on his increasingly suffused complexion. The realization of the irony of his own comments while eating, “I don’t want to be the first to die…” His last words before departure were, “Thanks for ruining my entire second semester.” A little bit dramatic, but it made me feel good.” Keep ‘em coming, would-be 47s.

Image via plasticless.com

Just as you’re feeling comfortable with this new semester, you feel a sudden wetness. 

Yes, CU Assassins is back, launching with E-Week 2009.  ESC has more information in a blog post thing, awkwardly titled “Oh Snaps.”  Clearly, this is going to be a killer event, as it involves multiple snaps “from behind.” 

We’ve already shared tips on being merciless in this competition, so hurry and sign up all this week at any E-Week event before hearing about the rules and regulations; the explanatory meeting is on Friday.

The “Commissioner” of Assassins sends notification that you can’t get your espionage on just yet:

Agents:

Due to the fact that we ran out of guns (despite having ordered enough for everyone) and the fact that no establishment in Manhattan seems to carry squirt guns in the month of February, we have been forced to delay the start of the game until THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 22 at 9 P.M. You will be unable to log into the website until that time. Should you have any questions or concerns, please e-mail back.

-The Commissioner