It’s midterm time so Bwog is continuing one of our favorite types of series: archetypes, specifically College Walk Archetypes. We all recognize certain people/groups of people as we sprint from Ferris to Havemeyer in the morning. Mind you, our idea of “College Walk” is really anything from Butler to Low, so be prepared for some real nut jobs interesting individuals.  This time around, an indolent Maud Rozee brings you the kid who actually does CC readings the studier, with an illustration by the illustrious Taylor Grasdalen.

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Somehow you always manage to leave just three minutes late and have to rush to class. You’re overheating, your backpack is smushing your shirt, it’s horrible. Then you spot her. Or him. Or them. Let’s go with them. They’re tucked up on a bench, warm drink next to them, highlighter and reading in hand. On their face, a look of supreme concentration. This little show-off has the nerve to be studying on College Walk.

Look at them. Hair exquisitely combed, hipster scarf perfectly knotted. Sitting on College Walk just a little too conspicuously. Columbia Admirers ain’t happening anymore, sweetheart, what’s the point? They probably spent more time getting themselves to look like a prep school model than they will actually studying. Is there a photo shoot for those pre-frosh brochures going on? Were they planted here by Deantini?

You think back to the last time you enjoyed being out of doors. Does drunkenly peeing in Morningside Park early in the morning count? ‘Cause that was last weekend, so, yeah, you are loving nature just as much as this pretentious little study nymph. Who are they trying to kid? It’s not even warm enough for reading outside yet. Almost, but you know that stone bench is freezing their ass off. You see them scramble to stop the wind from scattering their pages across the steps. Maybe they should descend from their scenic perch and head to Butler like the rest of us unimaginative plebes. Did they just check their phone? Yes, definitely. Hah. Guess they’re not living the Ivy League dream after all, huh.

Oh god. You realize that you’re just jealous because you’re going to be late to this class that you barely skimmed the reading for. And you don’t know how to knot a scarf that well. You are truly the pettiest person alive. May the gods forgive your insecurities. And may they also send a pigeon to poop all over that stupid College Walk worker.