Flip-phone selfie taken by Louise McCune

While more practical students use cNet terminals for a quick print, these patrons of the library have a loftier goal—populist film criticism.

Writing under pen names such as “nycQT2015″ and “butlerbabe69,” they craft sharp invective, intended to cut down those presumptuous enough to upload sub-par content to Youtube. Such apt critiques take minutes of painfully complex consideration—should they begin with the more straightforward, “You obviously know nothing about Return of the King,” or prove their superiority with a pithy line such as, “You’re just a dick, like Saruman”?

Whether ensconced in the computer lab, 209, or the Ref Room, these arbiters of Internet fodder impress everybody waiting patiently to print. Before the day is done, they will even showcase their abilities to enjoy the ultimate no-brow entertainment: drooling, gaping infants. And what do they have to say for themselves?

“OMG CUTEG4SM.”

A Columbia grad student played in that intertubes-inspired concert at Carnegie Hall: “I haven’t hardly played at all.”

Drought in Africa: yes, it could happen, and it’s happened before: “startling.”

Ever wonder what happens in that underground lab by Avery?  It’s the behavioral labs for the Center for Research on Environmental Decisions.  A reporter discloses the horrors within.

Studying at a university that crushes your self-esteem, remind yourself now and again that you have skills.  It’ll raise your grades by one third of a grade.  Hopefully.  Maybe.

The J-School, with PrezBo’s impetus, is leading the way in adapting its curriculum to the post-print world.  In love with newsprint?  First, learn Photoshop.

The world’s largest collection of pop music is now available for your perusal at a library near you.  Hopefully, most of it is pre-Britney.

News flash: Ivy League tuition is expensive.  So we’ve signed up for a government supplement fund to help GI’s complete their education here.

False. We actually started praising Dooley’s hilarious YouTube series, AndSarah, about a year ago. Dooley made it to the Freakonomics blog because of her brief mention of the book Freakonomics in her newest episode, now available on YouTube, in which she winks at the camera and dubs it “summer reading”. Making jokes about books is what Columbians were put on this earth to do. Thank you, Sarah.

Jeff Chou sent in the following picture of H-dad perched on a lamp by the chapel.

AND Hawkmadinejad made his YouTube debut via an accidental filming by Xavier Estevez! He’s even got his own tab tag! Video and note from Estavez after the jump.

I was headed down to the subway from EC, and as I walked down that

annoying ramp-staircase by St. Paul’s Chapel, I was stopped dead in my

tracks by the sight of Hawkmadinejad, the splendid blond beast,

perched on the handrail, displaying his fearsome wingspan for all the

world to see and heed his terrible warning. By the time I recovered

from the paralysis of awe, he switched to a more staid posture. I

intended to take a picture with my phone, but as luck would have it, I

had it set to video mode, making this quite possibly the first live

video of Hawkmadinejad ever captured.

Thanks to our tipsters. If you’ve seen Our Hero around campus or would like to suggest content for Hawkmadinebwog, send tips to hawkmadinejad@gmail.com

-ALC

Too much to sift through on YouTube?  Life’s hard.  Bwog’s here to help.

There’s nothing as bad as being in Butler on a Saturday night.  But, instead of wasting your study break tonight on another disappointing episode of SNL, Bwog suggests checking out Sarah Dooley’s (BC ’11) delightful YouTube series, AndSarah. 

Sarah’s face may be familiar to you, but her acting and writing will surprise you.  In each of the series’ three episodes, Sarah offers clever and carefully crafted portraits of the life and times of college freshman.  Her character is a caricature of herself, awkwardly idiosyncratic and simultaneously accessible to all undergraduates.   

Her self-conscious fidgets and sputters are well-timed and reinforce her ridiculous, and often poignant, blunders. Although it takes a couple of minutes to get used to Sarah’s mannerisms in the first episode,  it’s impossible to resist her lessons in people watching on College Walk and lunching alone in Hewitt.


What is so impressive about AndSarah is the seamless coordination of Rachel Mersky’s cinematography and Sarah’s acting and script.  Rachel’s steady hand and sharp editing capitalize on Sarah’s hesitant glances at the camera and draw out her self-reflective pauses.  The unadorned camera work adds a confessional tone and almost documentary-like effect to Sarah’s scenes.  The plot of the third episode, however, relies on a familiar subject matter: social outcast attempts to make big impression at campus dance.  But despite the stock premise, Sarah’s halting intonation and adorably crumpled smile offer an endearing and refreshing take on this theme.  

By far the best in the series, the second episode is equally brilliant in its plot line as it is in its performances.  Here, Sarah explores the hilarious consequences of a google search gone terribly wrong.  Her faux-pas may be inexcusably naive, but Sarah adds an integrity and honesty to her lines that is remarkably rare.

So if you are uninspired and at a dead end with your research paper, take a look at the some of the creativity and talent of your peers.  And if AndSarah doesn’t inspire or at least impress, you’re probably just jealous. 

Plus, it gives us a chance to tease the upcoming Bwog Political Personals™ feature, coming in the next few days. Potential “Kristens” take note.

1. You never thought you’d see a homemade Radiohead video shot in John Jay. Well, OK, maybe you did:

2. A poetry reading at the Sundial in 1987. The fashions — they’re unbelievable!

3. Lastly, we have a middle-aged man ranting about last month’s “living room full of weapons” in what appears to be his own living room, although the giant mike indicates differently.

Now you know. 

Incidentally, Bwog loves videos. If you have original footage of Columbia life, send it on in.

Well she ended up on Gawker again, this time for some suspicious “Webby” awards. The occasion’s not important, but you know what is? Her nipple!

While some would be mortified, Reni seems to take it in stride…

UPDATE 10:37 EST: Stop complaining the first picture shows too little nipple (you dirty dirty people), here’s more scandal, enjoy.

 

It’s a whole new world for the Dems, reenergized after their elections last month. According to new president Josh Lipsky, next year the group will be putting on three to five events per week, as well as creating dozens of new “umbrella groups” on  issues from gay marriage to civil liberties. As part of its hip new image, the new administration has put together a promotional video for its arm wrestling contest next Thursday, featuring the other President Flaxman rocking a tight superhero shirt. “If we, as activists, have to act ridiculous to get people to care about Iraq, then that’s what we’ll do,” declares Elvis-costumed Public Affairs director Jonathan Backer.

Um, good luck kids. 

On a more serious note, Asian American Alliance’s incoming president Calvin Sun (who’s going to be busy next year–he’s also Michelle Diamond’s replacement as CC ’08′s Vice President) alerted us to two short videos he directed on eating disorders among Asian Americans. With quickly cut together interviews of AAA members, they’re an interesting window on body image problems specific to that group, although the abstract photomontage at the end was a bit much. Part one here, part two here.

For those who haven’t caught on, the Revue is a sort of V-Show equivalent bred among the huddled masses yearning to breathe free in Jerome Greene’s claustrophobic library (Bwog enjoys waving to them enroute to EC, hoping to get some response). This year’s title (referencing said library, and indicating writers who just can’t seem to pun enough): “Arthur Diamonds are Forever”.  

-CJS

I wrote a much longer piece for this week on Akon, Einstein, populism, and “Smack That.”  But it topped out at like 1,754 words, which I think is around 1,752 more than anyone else cares about the topic. Here’s the gist: if you’re passing up on Akon because you can’t stand “Smack That” or “I Wanna Fuck You,” understand that’s not really Akon.  It’s an imbecilic, over-sexed distillation that’s entirely contrary to his true nature.  The only similarity is that both Akon and Bizarro are catchy as fuck—fine for filling MTV troughs, but there’s not much to them besides the catchiness.   

Take a pretty archetypal radio jam – Beyonce’s “Irreplacable.”  Hate it or love it, you know (or you think you know) a hell of a lot about Beyonce after just three-and-a-half minutes.  “Smack That”? Not really happening. I can’t know for sure, but I’m 99% positive that Akon did this on purpose, especially considering the agency that comes with owning his label and being his own go-to songwriter and producer.  He knew collaborations with Snoop and Eminem would guarantee him mad sales. And he knew if he made these songs clownish, atypical, and bereft enough, not only would they not reflect badly on the rest of the album, they’d make his typical swagger look extraordinary…   

“Don’t Matter” – Akon 

So now his third single is “Don’t Matter,” a goofily saccharine “us against the world” ditty that tingles with old-school vibe.  On the heels of “I Wanna Fuck You,” it sounds like the most sincere shit ever written.  The juxtaposition takes it from an “aww” track to “that’s fucking ADORABLE and I don’t even use that word!”  And consequently, the super chintzy video doesn’t seem chintzy whatsoever.  Akon?  More like A-MERLIN son!  I’m making bad jokes and it seems entirely ok because I’m listening to “Don’t Matter.”  This song is not that good.  But it is. 

“Mama Africa” – Akon 

This track from his latest album will likely never be a single in the U.S.  Thus -  following the above logic that Akon’s not compelling when it really counts and is compelling when it doesn’t – “Mama Africa” is ten times more interesting than even “Don’t Matter.”  He’s working much more on his turf here, synthesizing all the different parts of his persona into a song that I can’t see anyone but Akon doing.  A good two-thirds of his work is autobiographical.  Most songs, however, focus either on his life as a drug dealer/car thief or his time in prison, rarely touching on his childhood in both Senegal and the States.  The tracks that do– “Mama Africa” and “Journey” – are arguably his richest.  It’s not that the content of these songs is terribly revelatory, but rather that, for once, he writes, sings, and produces without any pretense or artifice.  “Mama Africa” is not Akon trying to fit a radio mold or doing what is expected of him or getting half-a-mil from Gwen Stefani.  He’s doing it because he wants to, and because he can.   

“We Takin’ Over” – DJ Khaled ft. Akon, T.I., Lil’ Wayne, and Fat Joe 

This song has been huge in Miami for the last three months and working its way north.  On paper, it’s run-of-the-mill – four of the biggest rappers having a pissing contest with an Akon chorus in the middle.  Akon’s actually the best thing here.  His entrance into the song is breathtaking – on the 19^th listen, “If you want to, we can supply you” is perhaps the only thing still interesting about the vocals.   

But what makes you keep listening to the 19^th time – and the reason it’s getting obnoxious amounts of Cadillac play – is the beat, produced by Timbaland protégé Danjahandz. For one, it’s 111 beats per minute – by comparison, most rap songs these days are somewhere between 75 and 90. On top of that, it’s unrelentingly meaty and not-a-little psychotic. Throw that under Akon’s subliminally druggy grandstanding and you’ve got the Shawne Merriman of rap singles.  You’ve heard Danjahandz before – besides co-producing last year’s blockbuster projects from J.T. and Nelly Furtado (including the primary production on “My Love”), his most ubiquitous sound might be the simple but endlessly effective drums on Fergie’s “London Bridge.”  I could point to 10 or 15 of his other stunning rookie productions, but he’s already done it here. 

Finally, I bring up this song because of the video for “We Taking Over” that some kids did for a church lipsync project.  Yeah, I know, YouTube videos of kids singing pop songs are about as played-out as hot-tub boozing on the Real World (or everything on the Real World).  But this one just resurrects the whole game—it’s a full-length, thoroughly edited rap video, with equal parts intentional and accidental comedy.  Take, for example, the rotating Donovan McNabb jersey, or “T.I.” rapping on top of a shed. “DJ Khaled” is so good that he gets to come back and play “Rick Ross” (in front of his parents’ Benz, no less).  Fat Joe has a bowl cut.  Jeff Tweedy raps Birdman’s part.  

The song’s real video came out yesterday and it’s almost as fun as the kid’s version.  Each rapper helps DJ Khaled escape, um, whoever.  First, some masked men kidnap him in an ice-cream truck and then – Gene Parmesan! – it’s really T.I.  Then Rick Ross shows him how to parallel park and Fat Joe takes him sailing.  So where does he rendezvous with Birdman and Lil’ Wayne?  A church, just like in the video by the Donovan McNabbs (the shots are pretty similar also).  It’s too ridiculous to think that, two weeks ago, Khaled decided to change the entire final act after seeing his young doppelgangers’ rendition.  But then again, crazier shit has happened. 

Interviewer: They were unhappy that he was picked to speak on class day. Do you think perhaps that it was his advocacy of skinny dipping that might have pushed them over the edge?

Mitchell: Ha! For college students, to not skinny dip? I think it was probably alright there. I think that he was probably fine there. I can’t imagine why they wouldn’t want him, intelligent, well spoken, sexy.

Interviewer: Very nice guy. I think he’s a good-looking guy myself.

Mitchell: There you go, he crosses.

UPDATE, 8:40 PM: Looks like Princeton got another C-list actor for their Class Day–but it’s BRADLEY WHITFORD (a.k.a. the best character on The West Wing maybe ever). Bwog might have to be in New Jersey on June 4.