Diamond Awards are a Garfunkel’s Best Friend
Written by Bwog Staff
Last night, The Varsity Show gave its annual I.A.L. Diamond Award to famed musician Art Garfunkel in a gala affair that was studded by exactly one star. The event, a pre-show reception held in Lerner C555, was attended by a mixed crowd of Varsity Show parents, friends, and alumni who enjoyed free drinks and appetizers. Also in attendance was the illustrious Dean Austin Quigley, who spent most of the night being dapper, as he is wont to do, schmoozing with Garfunkel and protecting him from the adoring masses.
For the most part, Garfunkel didn’t need protecting—the crowd was predominantly dignified, restrained, and decidedly not star-struck. This may be due in part to the fact that the man who received the Diamond Award last night looked surprisingly little like Art Garfunkel (see another photo after the jump).
“Where is he?” people kept asking. It’s been a while since Garfunkel has been prevalent in the public eye, and many party-goers who had hoped to immediately recognize the face behind one of the most recognizable names in the country seemed…well…confused. Very few people were able to identify the man without having him pointed out to them, and most of those who did were only able to deduce based on the fact that his son, with whom Garfunkel was standing all night, was the spitting image of Art as a young man. With the trademark Garfunkel hair and innocent demeanor, as one onlooker put it, “the son looks more like Art Garfunkel than he does!”
As such, Bwog ended up spending much of the night chatting up Garfunkel Junior, a charming young lad with eyes like the sun and hair like fire. Towards the end of the night, two Columbia students approached the youth and invited him to their upcoming Cinco de Mayo party, promised to be full of debauchery. Garfunkel Jr. seemed genuinely interested in attending, and even gave the two students his cell phone number, but something tells us that he won’t end up going. Why? Because word on the street is that Garfunkel Sr. is a little controlling.
One of the prerequisites to Garfunkel’s attendance at the event, apparently, was that his publicist be allowed to edit the speeches used to introduce him. The editing was strict, down to the very word. For instance, the producers were required to cut the phrase “born and bred” from the speech, presumably because Garfunkel wanted to avoid any reference to the copulative act. Speakers were also not allowed to refer to Garfunkel as a “musician,” instead being forced to use the phrase “musical artist” for reasons that no one quite understands.
After his tightly worded intros, Garfunkel came to the front of the room to accept his award. He seemed very flattered, indeed stating that “you have honored me tremendously.” His speech was short and gracious and included many references to his wealth of fond Columbia memories. He told an amusing anecdote or two, including the one about recording the vocals for “The Boxer” in St. Paul’s Chapel. Afterwards, he posed for pictures with the creative team, cast, and chorus of the V-show before being promptly whisked away.
Although Bwog was denied the interview with Garfunkel that we requested, we did manage to ask him a few questions from our personals questionnaire before he escaped the crowds. After deeming our “Trapped on a desert island with three foods” question “too hard” and our “Favorite pair of underwear” question “too erotic,” Mr. Garfunkel did deign to answer a few. As for where he’s found at 2 o’clock on a Sunday afternoon: “That also a hard question because if I answer it, people are going to be there,” he said, before thinking it over and answering “at the Obelisk in Central Park, reading a book.” His first thoughts when coming to Columbia were “I will never keep up semicolon; they’re all brighter than me”—yes, the man said ‘semicolon.’ Finally, if he had to choose between TCBY and Tasti D-Lite, he’d pick neither. But that’s not how we play the game, Artie.
Bwog doesn’t mean, however, to give a negative impression. For the most part, Garfunkel was gracious, humble and a real good sport. He provided us with an excuse to get dressed up and drink on the University’s dime, and for that we will be forever grateful. At the performance, Garfunkel sat in the second row of the audience next to Dean Quigley, laughing along with the rest of us. As he was leaving during the intermission after the first act, he claimed to have enjoyed the show.