Aug

27

QuickIliad

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So have you finished those first six books yet? No? Bwog’s resident epic poetess Anna Corke gives you the quick and dirty version. Now don’t say we never gave you anything.



Book I: In Which Our Hero Loses His Woman, Cries to Mommy, Rages.

Book II: In Which Zeus Lies; Agamemnon Tries to Chicken Out of the War; Odysseus Changes His Mind, Beats Up An Ugly Guy; And Our Narrator Gives Us The Catalogue of Ships.


achilles


Book III: In Which Helen Calls Herself A Slut, Menelaos & Paris Fight Over Her, Aphrodite Whisks a Wimpy Paris Away from Battle to a Billowing Bedchamber, Helen Tells Paris She Wishes He Had Died, And They Sleep Together.

Book IV: In Which Hera and Zeus Fight Again; Zeus Describes Hera’s Hatred As A Thirst For Raw Human Flesh, and Lattimore Uses the Word Niggling.

Book V: In Which Diomedes Kills Several, Wounds Goddess, Wounds God.

Book VI: In Which Glaukos & Diomedes Are Evenly Matched, Trade Armor; Women of Troy Pray for Peace, Are Ignored; Hector Makes His Son Cry, Laughs.

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6 Comments

  1. 3-20 characters

    You forgot the part where Achilles invites a young lad to his tent "to sharpen [his] spear".

  2. P.S.

    To recap:
    Achilles: Roid raging meathead
    Helen: Slut
    Paris: Pussy
    Hector: Noble bitch nice guy
    Diomedes: Badass

  3. Bwog, where

    have you been all my life? Specifically this time last year when I hadn't read the first 6 books of the Iliad. You are gentlemen (and gentlewomen) and scholars

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