Aug

28

And now for some disorientation

Written by


beer cup
It’s your first day at Columbia.  Mom and Dad just drove back to New Jersey, and you are ready to celebrate your newfound freedom.  But wait.  Shit!  You’ve heard that Columbia is an awful party school.  They say the only fun thing to do here is cocaine, but you don’t want to put anything in your nose.  You’re planning on being pre-med; noses are for sneezing.

You want to drink.  Well never fear: did you know you can overcome homesickness by drinking? Bwog contributor Will Snider channels this spirit to conjure a typical first night out during Orientation Week.  So sit back, relax, and forget everything you learned from alcohol.edu.  Remember, you’re pre-med.  You know that shit.

10:30pm — Your Floor Meeting just ended.  After learning from your RA “what it means to be part of a vibrant campus community,” you’re ready to kill some brain cells. Rob, that sort of sketchy guy on your floor who wears way too much Axe deodorant and brags about being from Buffalo, pulls out a handle of Nikolai vodka and punches you in the stomach saying, “It was made in Kentucky, so you know it’s good.”  Someone brings out four shot glasses, and you chase the drinks with the Gatorade your mother bought at Sam’s Club for you.  Everyone on your floor comes out to this makeshift party.  Suddenly, you begin to think Columbia might not be so socially awkward after all.



10:45pm – Your floormates are now all passed out in the common room. By your seventh call to CAVA the dispatcher knows your name, and you begin to wonder why you didn’t just go to Michigan.  So what if it’s a state school? You decide to venture beyond Carman Hall.

11:20pm – After your cousin’s old fake ID is rejected by 1020, Nacho’s, the Heights, and even the Abbey (despite seeing what appear to be 12-year-old girls being admitted), you give up and begin to walk back to Carman.  Out of nowhere a guy in a polo shirt who reeks of cigarettes and jungle juice assaults you.  He slaps you on the ass and tells you to rush Pike—even if you’re a girl.  Suddenly you find yourself in a dark room with a sticky floor, surrounded by sweaty men and girls in short skirts, and you realize you’re in a frat house.  You didn’t even know Columbia had fraternities.  How did all these people get into Columbia? (Hint: they were once just like you. Almost.) At the frat party you squint your eyes to find the keg in the dark.

11:34pm – While in line for the bathroom you see two guys doing lines off a coffee table.  You tell them you’ve never seen cocaine before, and they tell you it’s Adderall.  Suddenly one of them begins to read Dubliners. You now know what hell feels like.

12:13am – After a few drinks you’ve lost your sense of smell and suddenly the party gets much better.  You’re sitting on a couch and someone passes you a joint.  You feel like a college kid and reach out to hug the stoner next to you. 



1:13am
– Holy shit!  You’ve been sitting on the same couch for an hour.  This is so much fun!  An brunette approaches and takes a seat on the couch.  She says she goes to Barnard. You are intrigued.



1:26am
– Wow.  You really enjoyed that party and were actually upset when it was shut down by a noise complaint.  You thought this was the city that never sleeps, but you were wrong.  A crowd wanders over to Koronets, and you join them. You must. After devouring two slices of pizza, you realize that you have super-human eating powers past 1am—even if you’re a girl.  There is still a girl with you, but you’re not sure if she’s the one from the party.

2:14am – Without knowing how you got there, you find yourself across Broadway in some random Barnard dorm.  You’re alone with one of the girls you met earlier and you’re telling her you love her and want to settle in New Jersey and make (or adopt) little Columbia babies.  You are so drunk.  She says she’s from Florida, or maybe she says Maine.  She talks about her cat and her parents and her dreams for the future and then, inexplicably, she starts crying and you’re in a really awkward situation because you can’t remember her name.  Luckily she passes out, and you leave. You decide to feel proud of yourself for not doing anything.

3:32am – On the Steps you bum a cigarette off a random upperclassmen.  You smoke?  You don’t smoke.  Wait, smoking while drunk is cool.  You’re cool.  You smoke. 

3:46am – You pee in the bushes surrounding Low Library.  You wonder if Eisenhower ever walked where you are peeing. You yell this, along with the years of his presidency and his electoral opponent (Stevenson, Stevenson), to prove that you are still on your shit. 

4:11am – Somehow you find your way back to your dorm.  Your roommate hasn’t moved for hours, and seems perfectly content playing World of Warcraft, watching an episode of Sex and the City, and eating peanuts.  You are slightly jealous.  Oh well, time for sleep.  Tomorrow is your first meal at John Jay.  You can taste the flimsy pancakes and processed maple syrup now.  Orientation week is the best.  

Tags: , , ,

18 Comments

  1. GS Orientation

    At the GS orientation there's a workshop (on Wednesday evening) for people in Recovery programs like Alcoholics Anonymous

    • Anonymous

      Hm. I'd personally move that meeting to post midterm or finals time - god knows everyone can become an alcoholic after surviving test time. Attendance would skyrocket!

    • yet again

      GS stereotypes are verified

      • To be honest...

        ...yeah, GS students are the type of people who learn from their mistakes (are most likely old enough to have made youthful mistakes and learned from them) and work harder than any CC kid for personal betterment. Find me a CC student with a drinking problem...not too hard. One that's mature enough to deal with it, on the other hand....

        • not sure

          what your point is- that GS has AA programs because their students are mature? or are you trying to put down CC for not being mature, even though you acknowledge that expecting 18 yr olds to put themselves in AA is a tad bit much?

  2. lol

    the dubliners line had me cracking up. well done.

  3. wow

    less than 15 minutes for your floormates to pass out?? impressive.

  4. Honestly...

    Until another division passes GS in terms of average GPA for an undergraduate college at Columbia, the jokes really should stop. Or continue, because I don't think GS students really give a damn about the immaturity of some sheltered brats.

    • Honestly...

      Until another division passes GS in terms of average number of google ads bought, the defensiveness and holier than thou retorts really should stop. Or continue, because I don't think CC students think the better of you for them.

  5. nice job bwog

    this was pretty funny

  6. firstly  

    there are many cc folks who have drinking problems and the chapter of aa that meets on campus is open to all.

    secondly, i didn't see any cocaine on campus tonight. way to get my hopes up bwog. nothing i like more than snorting fine powder off a hooker.

  7. Recovery Meet/Greet

    People in programs of Recovery and friends/family of those in Recovery, find your support system here. Get information about 12-step meetings in the area, meet other GS students in Recovery, and discuss plans for a weekly, open, 12-step meeting. This meeting is open to all those who are affected by any type of addictive behavior, activity, or thought pattern. Welcome to an environment free from judgment!

  8. Anonymous

    Bright Lights, Big Campus! Congrats on getting Jay McInerney on staff.

  9. chill man

    Why does every barnard, seas, and gser have to take personally the occassional good-spirited jab at their school? As part of being the jewel in the crown of Columbia, College students must be as arrogant and elitist as possible. We are the elite after all.

  10. Anonymous

    One piece of advice: the store marked 'LIQUOR' at 107th and Broadway doesn't card...at least they didn't back in '95! (damn I'm old.) Regardless, that recap pretty much summed up my entire first semester at CU...good to see some things never change.

  11. quiqui

    There is always cocaine on campus.

  12. On second glance  

    that really DOES read like early Bret Easton Ellis. Like RoA Bret Easton Ellis. Classy.

© 2006-2015 Blue and White Publishing Inc.