Nov

8

From the Issue: The Soap That Makes You Feel Dirty

Written by


soapIn which Bwog
continues in its fine tradition of shamelessness and provides you with a sneak-peek at our upcoming issue.  In this installment, Addison Anderson takes on Columbia’s newest Guilty Pleasure: The Gates.

Soap Dispensable

When The Blue and White discovered that CTV was launching a new soap opera, The Gates, we rued the limitations of our medium. We too want sex! Emo! Technicolor! But we can merely imagine how the script of a Columbia’d-out The OC would look. 

 

SCENE 1 

GAVIN FISTOL, innocent square-jawed quarterback, is sitting on the bed of leggy Stressbuster KELLY LANYOVICH.

GAVIN

It sure is nice of you to offer a shoulder massage.

KELLY

(smoldering) You’ve got a very important shoulder. (touching his shoulders)

Ooh, so much tension.

GAVIN

I know. I shouldn’t worry about my classes so much.

KELLY

Let me help you unwind.

 

KELLY tears GAVIN’s shirt off.

 

GAVIN

Um.

 

KELLY

Yeah?

 

GAVIN

Jeez-louise, Kelly, haven’t you heard that consent is sexy?

 

KELLY

But is it (raises eyebrow) sexiest? Now shut up and kiss me!

Continue reading after the jump! 



 

GAVIN

No!…I don’t want to. And you have a boyfriend!

 

KELLY

Carlos? I don’t want Carlos, I want Gavin Fistol.

 

GAVIN

Carlos has been really nice to me. Even though I’m competing for his job, he even sent me to you, his Stressbuster girlfriend, ‘cause I was having a hard time.

 

KELLY

(insistent) His mistake!

 

GAVIN:

I may be from Scarsdale, America, but I think this is a setup! He told you to seduce me, just so I’d be too distracted to perform on the football field!

 

KELLY:

(frantic) What? No! Wh-what? (her face twitches and her eyes turn red) Negative! System overload! Cannot compute!

 

KELLY’s head explodes in a burst of steel and sparks.

 

GAVIN

Robot?! A robot! (turning away, raising fist) She must have refused to seduce me, so Carlos turned her into a robot to make her do it!

 

KELLY

(robot voice coming out of a speaker in neck) But I…always…wanted to…human-love you. But I am just a…robot.

 

GAVIN

Damn you, Carlos! (smoldering, turns to leave) I gotta go to class.

 

SCENE 2

 

ELIZABETH PU, leggy gumshoe Spec reporter, is snooping through the dorm-room desk of square-jawed DEX DAVIAN-WEINSTEIN, unscrupulous candidate for sophomore class president.

Suddenly DEX enters.

 

DEX

Hwa! What is the meaning of this?!

ELIZABETH

Hello, Dexter. Just looking for that pen you borrowed after our last (raises eyebrow) interview.

 

DEX walks to window, contemplates skyline, turns his head back toward her over his shoulder. 

DEX

(smoldering) Sure. Listen, pumpkin— 

 

ELIZABETH

Don’t fuck with me, Davian-Weinstein.

 

DEX

Fine, have it your way, Pu. 

DEX walks to bookshelf, contemplates books, turns his head back toward her over his shoulder.

 

DEX

You think I’m putting up unapproved posters and you want to splatter my guts across your front page.

 

ELIZABETH

Then where are they coming from, Dex? Are students so impressed with your chicanery that they made them on their own?

 

DEX walks to wall, contemplates wall, turns his head back toward her over his shoulder.

 

DEX

Chicanery, you say? I don’t know who ran over the subway party with that bus. I was on my yacht, and you of all people can (raises eyebrow) verify my alibi. And perhaps my future constituents already like me enough to poster for me. You certainly thought I was…what was your word? (raises other eyebrow) “impressive.”

 

ELIZABETH slaps DEX, spinning his head 360 degrees. Metallic sparks fly from his neck.

 

DEX

Please let yourself out of my suite. And here’s a headline for your paper: The sophomore class are belong to us!

 

ELIZABETH

You mean a quote?

 

DEX

No. And put it in that I raised my fist when I said it. Goodbye, Pu. Goodbye all of you.

 

ELIZABETH

Damn you, robots! (smoldering, turns to leave) I gotta go to class.

 

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6 Comments

  1. Hugh Manrobonicus  

    I find all this anti-robot propaganda disturbing and tasteless. Robots are people just like you and me.

  2. and twins!  

    Um i would like to point out there were no evil twins in this

    and i'm sorry for making that now dated reference

  3. gosh  

    lots of smoldering

  4. personally I  

    prefer smouldering. It's much more sultry, and quaint. Takes of the technological edge, makes it more CC appropriate.

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