From the Issue: The Soap That Makes You Feel Dirty
Written by Bwog Staff
In which Bwog continues in its fine tradition of shamelessness and provides you with a sneak-peek at our upcoming issue. In this installment, Addison Anderson takes on
When The Blue and White discovered that CTV was launching a new soap opera, The Gates, we rued the limitations of our medium. We too want sex! Emo! Technicolor! But we can merely imagine how the script of a
GAVIN FISTOL, innocent square-jawed quarterback, is sitting on the bed of leggy Stressbuster KELLY LANYOVICH.
It sure is nice of you to offer a shoulder massage.
(smoldering) You’ve got a very important shoulder. (touching his shoulders)
Ooh, so much tension.
I know. I shouldn’t worry about my classes so much.
Let me help you unwind.
KELLY tears GAVIN’s shirt off.
Jeez-louise, Kelly, haven’t you heard that consent is sexy?
But is it (raises eyebrow) sexiest? Now shut up and kiss me!
Continue reading after the jump!
No!…I don’t want to. And you have a boyfriend!
Carlos? I don’t want Carlos, I want Gavin Fistol.
Carlos has been really nice to me. Even though I’m competing for his job, he even sent me to you, his Stressbuster girlfriend, ‘cause I was having a hard time.
(insistent) His mistake!
I may be from
(frantic) What? No! Wh-what? (her face twitches and her eyes turn red) Negative! System overload! Cannot compute!
KELLY’s head explodes in a burst of steel and sparks.
Robot?! A robot! (turning away, raising fist) She must have refused to seduce me, so Carlos turned her into a robot to make her do it!
(robot voice coming out of a speaker in neck) But I…always…wanted to…human-love you. But I am just a…robot.
Damn you, Carlos! (smoldering, turns to leave) I gotta go to class.
Suddenly DEX enters.
Hwa! What is the meaning of this?!
Hello, Dexter. Just looking for that pen you borrowed after our last (raises eyebrow) interview.
DEX walks to window, contemplates skyline, turns his head back toward her over his shoulder.
(smoldering) Sure. Listen, pumpkin—
Don’t fuck with me, Davian-Weinstein.
Fine, have it your way, Pu.
DEX walks to bookshelf, contemplates books, turns his head back toward her over his shoulder.
You think I’m putting up unapproved posters and you want to splatter my guts across your front page.
Then where are they coming from, Dex? Are students so impressed with your chicanery that they made them on their own?
DEX walks to wall, contemplates wall, turns his head back toward her over his shoulder.
Chicanery, you say? I don’t know who ran over the subway party with that bus. I was on my yacht, and you of all people can (raises eyebrow) verify my alibi. And perhaps my future constituents already like me enough to poster for me. You certainly thought I was…what was your word? (raises other eyebrow) “impressive.”
ELIZABETH slaps DEX, spinning his head 360 degrees. Metallic sparks fly from his neck.
Please let yourself out of my suite. And here’s a headline for your paper: The sophomore class are belong to us!
You mean a quote?
No. And put it in that I raised my fist when I said it. Goodbye, Pu. Goodbye all of you.
Damn you, robots! (smoldering, turns to leave) I gotta go to class.