Mar

18

From the Issue: Jeffrey Hunter Northrop II is a Campus Character

Written by


Campus Character:


Jeffrey Hunter Northrop II


By Alexander Statman, Illustration by Maxine Keyes

Wise men have said that what is closest is also most distant. So for social and holistic learning, I sought a teacher as widely known as he is little understood.  From the hallowed halls of Butler to the fertile fields  of the South Lawn, there could be no greater guide along the way to self-improvement than Jeffrey Hunter Northrop II, CC ‘08.5.

Like most success stories, Jeffrey’s began on a  wayward path. And like many such paths, it began in Connecticut. As a first-year in 2003, young Jeffrey arrived in the big city and, like St. Augustine, was drawn toward debauchery and sin. “I own up to my actions of freshman year. I deserved a lot of the shit I’ve been given,” Jeffrey recalls.

The five-year-old rumors still fly: St. A’s parties and sleepless nights, Barnard girls and Barnard dorms. Everything was out of control, and Jeffrey’s life became “unmanageable.” So he took a one-year medical leave to put his affairs in order, and has been sober since December 2004. His only remaining chemical vice is a daily hookah habit—one that he indulges morning, noon and night.



Jeffrey may have made his reputation in raunchier days and nefarious ways, but his live-hard ethic survives. To study with Jeffrey is to study like Jeffrey, and that means in Butler Library: “I love Butler. It’s my haven.” But Jeffrey, I reply, Butler clouds the mind. “You need to go to the fourth floor. It’s really all about the fourth floor.” On  Butler Four, Jeffrey maintains his shrine to the intellect. Until four AM, he fuels himself with an array of books, energy snacks, and most importantly, Red Bull: “Sugar free, of course. It’s healthier.” Artificial sweeteners, healthy? Jeffrey clarifies, “Well, unhealthy, maybe, but better for your fitness physique.”

A healthy mind requires a healthy body. Both require dedication. “I literally cannot do work until I’ve been to the gym. Even with a 102 degree fever.” Talk about burning calories! As he surveys the land from the backseat of a taxi on Broadway, a gym catches his attention: “Oh shit! That’s the new Equinox!” Jeffrey is a member of three gyms and he works out for about 1.5 hours a day. Jeffrey’s honesty is remarkable:  “I like to look good.” Don’t we all? Without spite or judgment and always with a smile, Jeffrey rejects pretense.

Jeffrey encouraged my own budding athletic devotion with a grocery bag filled with two kinds of protein mix and three energy snacks. I was naturally suspicious of the SYNTH-6™ Multi-Functional Micellar Protein Matrix and the NITRIX™, N.O.-XPLODE™, CELLMASS™ and ASTRO-PHEX™, but he assured me that they do indeed maximize physique and performance impact. His rippling  biceps and washboard abs, memorialized for all time in a Facebook photo album entitled “Money  and Sex,” seemed a good indication. Convinced, I took a big bite of a protein-chocolate chip cookie. It was pretty good.

Even though fun-enhancing drugs are out of the picture, Jeffrey’s lifestyle still allows ample time for play. In the last year, Jeffrey has taken up polo,  a sport “more addictive than drugs.” “The best fields are in Barbados. They flatten them with lasers.  But Jamaica is still pretty good.”

Jeffrey’s enthusiasm extends from the polo field to the dance floor. “People ask me, how do you know the owner of every main club, like Bungalow Eight, Beatrice and Waverly Inn?” The trick is simple: networking. “Mostly, I try to be a nice person.” And Jeffrey is nice to everyone, not just the high-powered  socialites and Adonises with whom he regularly associates. From hookah salesmen to cab drivers,  he wears his gregarious and friendly nature on his muscle-shirt (half)sleeve.

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39 Comments

  1. daaaamn  

    His lungs must be solid black. One hookah session involves, on average, inhaling 100-200 times as much smoke as one would from a cigarette.

  2. yeah  

    All this proves is that he has no depth of character; I'd have liked to know how much of his purported wealth is his own, and what his parents do.

  3. WTF

    What the hell is this article? Do a profile on my ass. It's more interesting than someone who apparently has been on the straight and narrow for more than 3 years.

  4. Nickname

    Everyone my freshman year that I knew simply referred to him as "the tool." We later discovered that a different, completely unrelated group of people also had adopted this nickname. He just fits the definition that perfectly. And yes, I remember seeing those "BANNED" signs around Barnard that security put up.

  5. 3-20 characters  

    Actually artificial sweeteners are not unhealthy. Those early studies by California quoted on sugar packets when we were kids have since been discredited.

    Sugar is more likely to cause serious chronic illness, especially diabetes.

  6. Hmm

    I once sat in a Butler bathroom, doing my business. In the stall next to me I noticed rubber goulashes, and heard terrible straining and liquid sounds; the man sounded in agony. Later (on the fourth floor) I saw a young man with the same goulashes. It was this gentleman.

    Jeffrey Northrop, eat more fiber.

  7. ugh  

    can someone please tell me why exactly he was banned?

  8. cool

    jeff is a very cool guy. i admire his dedication to fitness and think he is misunderstood by the Columbia community. He has a lot of supporters and I know he has a bright future ahead of him... the more you know!

  9. Anonymous

    This man's entire life had better be an elaborate troll.

    Or else I would love nothing more than to turn Connecticut into a glass parking lot.

    I do not say this with ill-will. I say it with the mixture of pity and terror necessary to describe the tragedy of this boy's life.

  10. Honestly

    This article is an insult to all those people who truly deserve to be profiled by Bwog for their contributions to campus. The fact that this individual has reformed is great for them, but he has contributed nothing to our great school than a further increase in bad reputation.

    I am sorely disappointed that the B&W thought this was legitimately worth their time researching and writing and, more importantly, all of our collective times reading.

  11. Hello

    1. We stole some protein cookies and they are GROSS
    2. He keeps a scented candle with him in butler. Fire hazard?!

  12. CML

    You guys are idiots. Who gives a shit about these moral quibbles? Get off your high horses. The only thing that matters is that this was hliarious.

  13. I sure

    hope the next profile is about a frat bro or a sorori-ho. It is just these kinds of deep and truly influential people that I love to spend my time reading about.
    Seriously, I've lived with a guy who showered maybe twice a week, played video games 18/7 (6 hours of sleep), and is still about 100x more interesting than this douchebag excuse for a human being. The only thing I can hope for is that the apparently sarcastic tone of the entire article was intentional and severely toned down for the purposes of the publication.

  14. alexw

    Man, I need to stop letting things on the Internet rile me up so much. This level of hatred cannot be good for my heart.

  15. alexw

    Ugh, I couldn't help myself.

    I need to go lie down.

  16. cc07

    This kid asked me to go to some club he "owned" during my first year, after a St.A's party--he called "his driver" and we headed downtown. When we got there, I had to pay for the car service. We got in, but we weren't allowed into VIP. We had to pay for our drinks. I wasn't aware that you had to pay cash to your own personal driver or pay for drinks at your daddy's club. Weird.

  17. EAL

    I don't care how much of an idiot this guy is, but it was great to see someone as a Campus Character who isn't president of some obscure club or hipster scum.

  18. yesman  

    My only question is why the hell is your line drawing of him so HIDEOUS. I'm usually impressed with your illustrations for Campus Characters. He looks like an anorexic zombie.

  19. bwog

    seriously sucks. this is all you guys can write about? and you guys still claim to compete with the spec?

  20. ...

    yo man, this is my new fuckin haircut!

    jagerbahmbs! jagerbahmbs!

    oh wait..

    creatinbahmbs! creatinbahmbs!

  21. or how about...  

    cluster bahmbs? bunker bahmbs? roadside bahmbs?

    if i knew my education was funded by $2.2 billion B2's i'd prolly rape a few chicks, too.

  22. man

    The B-2 is fucking tight, whatever you think about our fucked up wars.

  23. this

    was actually a profile i wanted to read. bw should start writing more of these, and less about obscure losers no one cares about.

  24. whey protein  

    hey no hating on ASTRO-PHEX™'

    also i think that even though JHN2 seems to be a ridiculous character (i only mean that positively... people need to be more of their unique selves) its great that it seems that he's nice to everyone and accepting...thats what we need more of between everyone...acceptance.

  25. Lilly

    Someone should do an article about Bethany Carkhuff. She is just like JHN2, and they ALWAYS stick together.

  26. insider

    "Mostly, I try to be a nice person."

    Oh, really? So THAT is why you say horrible, close-minded, despicable things about Jewish, gay, black, hispanic, poor, and liberally-minded people.

    This douchebag is just a pretentious, insecure kid. Honestly, anyone who spends more than ten minutes with him will realize that the shit that spews out of his mouth is pure, unadulterated, hateful BULL.

  27. aaaa

    he is just such a douchebag. he only gets close to people so he can use them.

  28. aaaa

    oh i meant that he is only "nice"to people that he thinks he can use.

  29. Joe

    Dear lord. I cannot fathom the fact that someone took more than a millisecond out of their day to devote intellectual attention to this unbelievable sack of horse shit named Jeffrey Northrop. If you haven't already been friended by him, which is nearly impossible if you live on the east coast/and or possess a vagina, please observe the pathetic, self absorbed, narcissistic, delusional, self worshiping shrine that is this kid's facebook page. He creates albums with photo's of other peoples private plans and pictures from perezhilton.com so that unsuspecting freshman girls might think he's famous. I hope this kid trips over his own ego and face plants into a puddle of period blood. Oh yea, and then someone shits on his face.

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