Mar

25

And We Have a Winner!

Written by


CU Assassins has finally come to a bloody, ruthless end. “The Commissioners” have informed the participants via email that Team “Teamname” officially won the game with three Agents still alive when Agent Claytoya murdered Agent bearclaw at 1:30pm today.

Though the last kill appears to be a clean one, the recent animosity over unclear kills persisted to the very end. The second to last of the kill reports contains an exerpt of an angry email sent by the victim to her murderer:

Time of Death: Monday, March 23 at 08:32 PM

Location of Death: Vine

Summary of Death: A great team, a great sport, a great kill. Also, i would just like to post part of an email sent to us by our previous victims… Enjoy. “Dear Douchebags, “I don’t know exactly who’s cock you sucked on the rules committee, but seriously, could you be any more of a bunch of jackasses?” skip to the end. “All in all, I’m just amazed that you kids can turn a few tiny drops into a clean shot to the back in each case. That must be some fantastic head for the rules chair. But I don’t want there to be any hard feelings, so I want to get each of you a consolation prize: a travel-sized bottle of Scope to get the taste of fresh cum out of your mouths. Enjoy your victory, you’ve certainly earned it. “Sincerely, A person who enjoyed this game until some douches took it over. (Aka Agent Tiger Steelrail)” Vined em. Then END.

In addition to politely apologizing for any judgments players might (just maybe) have found unfair, the email from on high awards Agent bearclaw the prize for most kills, Officer Darwin the award for best Police Officer, and Agent the candlestick a big hug from the ESC president for being the first agent killed.

Many congratulations to the various winners – may your aim always be true and your trigger fingers muscular.

(Photo above is of next year’s winners. No photo available of this year’s winning team)

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24 Comments

  1. senior

    the freshmen seem to look younger and younger each year don't they?

  2. correction  

    The email was not sent by leaping frog. It was sent by Agent Tiger Steelrail (not a girl, surprisingly). Thank you, just wanted to clear the air. Leaping frog was a great sport, and recognized my amazing clean public restaurant kill.

  3. Also  

    WINS IT! SUCK IT BEAUTIES!

  4. why  

    must bowg stereotype black people?

  5. For the dancing beauties  

    You suck at life and we win. Then end.

  6. from what i heard  

    the final kill really wasn't so clean.

  7. Pee Ess Aych

    Our record of winning with zero kills still reigns supreme.

  8. Agent bearclaw  

    Is one of the finest agents to have played this game. I personally witnessed her amazing commitment and thorough planning. Having managed 12 kills and some pretty intense stakeouts, I think that Bwog should definitely interview her so that other teams see how Assassins should be played.

  9. how in the world  

    How in the world do you shoot the real target's twin and then claim a kill? whining little pukes claimed he shouldn't be punished for shooting the wrong twin... THAT'S THE GAME IDIOT..ASSASSINATE THE REAL TARGET!

    oh and i love the argument that water splashed from the wrong twin's back on to the correct target...SHE WAS WEARING A HOODIE NOT A LARGE PIECE OF PLASTIC....

    • dumb as well  

      Yes, the twins were the one who claimed the water ricocheted. I thought that was one of the most ridiculous things I have ever heard. I mean, ever. Ridiculous.

  10. how in the world  

    and yes, that is how they won... by whining.

  11. dumb  

    the argument that water splashed from the wrong twin's back on to the correct target was made by the dumb twins themselves. I thought this argument was quite funny as well, just like the rest of their team's whining.

    • disbelief  

      "the argument that water splashed from the wrong twin's back on to the correct target was made by the dumb twins themselves."

      The twins argued against themselves? riiight and next they admitted to being the ones who gave out everyone's Social Security Number last year.

  12. i agree  

    I second that.


    see? I can make two posts in a row and agree with myself too. your time stamps are 10 minutes apart moron.

    • time stamps  

      you can click track to see who wrote what comment. Clearly i did not agree with myself, but i happened to agree with my friend 10 minutes after he posted. nice job, friend.

  13. disdisbelief  

    As an argument to say that she WASN'T shot, she claimed that the water on her back was ricocheted from her twin. Then according to that logic the kill wouldn't count. So, yeah, they made up that argument to defend themselves. Thank you.

  14. Disbelief  

    I apologize. I am just retarded. Excuse my retardedness.

  15. Angry Black Man  

    To quote from the great Lupe Fiasco aka "The Cool"

    Well I heard like group of cows
    That all your enemies wanna shoot you down
    They got ak 47's and a bunch of mac 11's
    Semi automatic weapons that produce ka pows
    Word on the street is, they all got heatas
    They gon hit you up and you ain't even gon see it
    You gotta lot of money, I ain't tryna be funny
    But they say where you goin, you ain't even gon need it
    They see you ridin round, shinin with your fine round diamonds
    Pretty green eyed lady
    Been on tha sideline poutin, while you primetime poppin
    Hungry niggas want a piece of your pastry
    I suggest you protect your bakery
    Cause they comin for your head,
    And its a bounty on that chain thats hangin from your neck
    They said


    I don't know
    What you been told in your ear, but I hear its goin down
    Sombody gotta
    DIE!!!
    Don't know what you been told in your ear, but business goin round
    Sombody gotta
    DIE!!!

    [Verse 2]
    [Gemstones]
    Hitta nigga wit tha mini mac strap, clap
    Any nigga think he gettin keys down here
    Any meeta, any nigga gettin money, or my honey, man heard michael young is the reclown here
    Run up on a nigga from tha back wit a mac
    Or be strapped cause a nigga finna squeeze off 10
    Run up on his nigga lac ratta tat tat,
    Click clack where this nigga at
    I need sin
    Shit is goin down if i see him
    Bump a nigga out like oxy ten
    And keep a couple of dollas up in tha wallet
    To pay they cops so they can never box me in
    DIE!!!
    Thats what im thinkin
    While ridin around polishin this big pistol
    Imma catch him in tha wind
    Pray tha gun don't jam
    So until we meet again
    Nigga its cool!


    I don't know
    What you been told in your ear, but I hear its goin down
    Sombody gotta
    DIE!!!
    Don't know what you been told in your ear, but business goin round
    Sombody gotta
    DIE!!!

    Don't pay them niggas no mind
    They hatin on you ain't nobody witta shotty
    Planin on doin a robbery
    Itchin to catch a body
    Creepin in a stolen jalopy
    Out there waitin on you

    sittin in a stolen car, finna rob this nigga
    Should i let the mini mac or tha shotgun hit him?
    I been waitin all day tryna spot this nigga
    I can't let him get away, im gon pop this nigga! UHHHH

    Plus they don't know about the choppa in tha trunk
    Tha glocks in a box and tha nine on tuck
    The bullet proof glass the 40's in tha stash
    You pull tha steerin wheel and it pop on up

    40 caliber stashed up in tha stash box
    Bullet proof windows, you couldn't break em wit a padlock
    Ak in tha trunk, where tha sounds bump
    Two twin glock 40's and a nine and this damn clock?

    Maaaaaaan
    We tryna go up in this club
    Show a little love
    Get a few drinks
    Holla at some girls
    Snatch up a pair
    Leave outta there
    Put some dro in tha air
    And then go and get some grub

    We finna go up in tha club
    Show a little love
    Get a few drinks
    Holla at some girls
    Snatch up a pair
    Leave outta there
    Put some dro in tha air
    And then catch a few slugs

    ay pull over right here, i gotta take a pee
    And don't go nowhere nigga wait for me
    And if some niggas do kill you in the next few minutes
    Just remember my nigga its a heaven for a G.

    GREATNESS.

  16. ABM  

    Quoted from "The Die" from Lupe, cop dat shit mayn.

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