Mar

7

BwogSex: When the Meek Inherit the Bedroom

Written by

Spring is springing! It’s time to talk about sex. On this frenzied midterms Sunday, we’re bringing you the second installment of our new and improved BwogSex feature. What follows is not the introduction of a new columnist, but rather a top pick from one of the many submissions left in our anonymized dropbox. Remember to send in your own questions, anecdotes, and ideas to BwogSex (anonymously!), and see you in the Stacks!

That’s what’s supposed to happen in college right? You emerge from your chrysalis and sink your fingers into the awfully moist folds of a woman’s nether regions? That I’m calling it that is a sign of my predicament as I see it now, but back then, that’s what college was: when the meek inherit the bedroom.

She was extroverted, I was shy. But she had traveled the world, as had I. Looking back, it might have been her strong legs or her defined jawline that made me feel attracted to her. At the time, I knew I was just lonely.

It was the perfect opportunity. My four-year, sex-depriving girlfriend broke up with me right after I left for college. It was fine, at that point, because it wasn’t that we loved each other or that we had much sex (read: never. ever.); it was just the comfort of knowing someone well that kept us together. If it weren’t for college, I would have gone into a spiral of depression. But this was Carman.

The first time shouldn’t be hard for a guy. It’s instinct, what every pubescent boy discovers under the bedsheets. And that’s just backup: if your guy ever tells you he doesn’t watch porn, he’s lying.

And so it was, a month into this rebound relationship that we found ourselves on my meticulously-made blue college bed, my eyes looking deeply into hers and her hand wrapped tight around my engorged cock. Did I want sex? Definitely, yes. With her? Probably not, but she was available, and when she pulled out a condom and waggled her eyes suggestively, I knew she wanted me.

There she was, a split second later, all her clothes forgotten on my floor. Her soft, perfectly rounded breasts eyed me from the bed where she sat, her heels pressed together, twirling her panties around her finger. “Well?” she asked, as I fiddled with iTunes, desperately trying to find a playlist free of Rodgers and Hammerstein.

I sat down on the bed in front of her, not sure where to put my eyes. What do you look at when you’re 18 and there’s a completely naked woman on full display for you?

“You can’t fuck me while you’re wearing pants.” I didn’t have a choice as she tore my clothing off, and then pinned me down on the bed for inspection, waving the buckled end of my belt like a whip. The belt met my balls. Hard. Buckle end. It’s like the white light you see before you die, but minus the subsequent nothingness and plus a shitload of pain.

She seemed hardly concerned as my manhood made a full retreat. “But my old boyfriend used to like that!” Freak. Her tongue was already making its way up the inside of my leg.

When my usually impressive seven-and-a-half inches failed to recover, I knew it was time for the emergency plan. I had had so many hot friends at home who had no idea that my preferences had been sliding ever so slowly towards the party with the Y-chromosome. I thought about how Rob had walked around our hotel room naked after going for a run during a school trip. The way his smooth, half-moon ass cheeks sidled side by side as he padded around, searching for his phone to call his girlfriend. The way they were so perfectly muscular- just enough to give them a little part down the middle, but not so much that they looked like part of a medical diagram. “Dammit, I missed her call” he would say several times that trip, turning to face me, his gorgeous soft cock settled over his cleanly-shaven jewels. “I like to feel young down there,” he would tell me. “God, I’m tired.” And he would stretch his arms up over his head, giving me a full view as I pretended to read the free USA Today. He flopped down on the couch next to me and picked up the remote control. I mentally tied my hands behind my back. The feeling of his bare leg against mine, and the musky smell of his young athleticness overwhelmed me and the room started spinning.

“Well?” she asked, exasperated. Unpleasantly yanked out of my fantasy with beautiful Rob, I glanced down to see her holding her hair behind her head with one hand and holding my saliva-drenched organ with the other. “Did you like it?”

Women cannot give blowjobs. The most talented gift-givers are all of the gender that possess the tool you’re trying to work with.

“Yeah! Wow! You’re really great!” I lied, neglecting to mention that my penis was not a lollipop.

“Let me put this on you.” She tore the NYC Condom open after several unsuccessful tries with her teeth. She rolled it on, stroking my still-teenaged, woefully-unmuscled chest. It was very tight. Much like a good blowjob.

She picked me up and threw me out of the way and dove beneath the covers. “Do me. If you’re ready. If you want to.”

Who am I to say no to an invitation like that? I took my suffering cock in my right hand and positioned it near her sacred opening, the key to life, the promised land, I’d been told. And I shut my eyes and thought of that hotel room.

I went in. It wasn’t easy. Her eyes lit up as she gasped and stammered, “No, that’s right, just like that!” I pulled out and gritted my teeth before forcing myself back in, imagining it was not her substantial breast beneath my hand but the glutes of my unsuspecting friend. “Yes! Mmmmmm. You’re so big!” She grabbed my butt and tried to tear it off.

My manhood failed me. For the first and last time in my life, and for one reason only, one I wasn’t privy to at the time. “Why did you stop? You were filling me!” she exclaimed, trying to hold me down by my scrotum.

“I want to try this.” Anything, anything at all to keep me from having to enter her again. I put my head down between her bare, moist legs and tried not to inhale as I leaned forward with my tongue. Only a square centimeter must have made contact with her pink folds before I gagged and admitted defeat. Even Rob couldn’t save me.

She was quite comforting about it. “You were probably just nervous; it’s okay if you’re not ready. It’s your first time, after all.”

She fetched her clothes and dressed quickly while I hid under the covers, horrified. I felt a kiss on my head and she said, “I’ll see you later.”

I didn’t see much of her during finals, and we both went to our respective homes over winter break. A week into spring semester, she finally showed her face and broke up with me. I was okay with it though, because over break, I had discovered a new talent: giving blowjobs.

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61 Comments

  1. Suite 8D  

    STAMP OF APPROVAL

  2. ew  

    this is literally disgusting. bwog, no.

  3. Anonymous  

    i was not expecting this to be so graphic, but i love it

  4. The verdict is in:  

    BwogSex > C-Spot

    funny, honest, unpretentious. Loved it!

  5. Ke$ha  

    Just show me where your dicks at.

  6. I AM  

    SOOO FUCKING HORNY RIGHT NOW!!! And who is this Rob? Attach some photos next time please!

  7. Jesus Fuckin Christ  

    When all else fails... turn to sex!

    I wonder how the Spec people will respond.

    • Anonymous  

      yeah, this is obviously a desperate attempt from bwog to increase readership... and I won't lie, it will probably work. hell, I enjoyed reading this and I'll probably read more of these in the future.

      but c'mon bwog, are you c-spot now? really?

  8. woah  

    was not expecting that! it's like columbia fanfiction. genius!

  9. oh bwog  

    Your college isn't my college, and I'm mostly happy about that (not that I look down on you, it's just a preference thing).

  10. Saved  

    by the smoking hot babe in the photo.

  11. lol  

    hello cliff massey!

  12. RELATE.  

    I feel ya. I used to change the girl's name into a guy name to keep it up. Now I just stick with the cock.

    Go BWOG! If anyone's insulted, it's because they've forgotten that we humans are animals with sexual needs!

  13. Wow,  

    this was actually very well-written and beautifully introspective. Props.

  14. Nice  

    Rob, and our anonymous narrator, sound yummy. I would, however, like to know how he managed to become an expert at giving head over one winter break, shortly after giving up on the batcaves.

    Regardless, I hope he writes more for this.

  15. Fabulous  

    Best rendition of that embarrassing moment I think I've ever heard. I was literally crying with laughter. Poor guy. Excellently written--and on a subject we can all relate to. Thanks, bwog!

  16. very well done  

    I like the twist at the end.

  17. Loved it  

    Doesn't matter, straight or gay, graphic or tame, it was a great story and I hope there is more like this in the future. Good job writer and good Bwog having the stones to post it!

  18. Loved it  

    Doesn't matter, straight or gay, graphic or tame, it was a great story and I hope there is more like this in the future. Good job writer and good job BWOG having the stones to post it!

    And wouldn't you like it, the captcha is "two sabers" haha

  19. seas '11  

    well done. cspot's gotta be scrambling right now.

    and wtf. my captcha is "operators taint". hilarity.

  20. Anonymous  

    Another one gives up the swamp for some dick.

  21. This  

    is the craziest shit ever.

    I don't know how high school was for all of you, but when my friends and I went for a run, we usually didn't follow it up by parading naked in front of each other. I guess we were just repressed.

  22. Anonymous  

    this is so weird. if i wanted this shit i would read c-spot...

    • Anonymous  

      Not even c-spot would publish this.

      Also, apart from the story being predictably 'alternative,' it was awfully written. The homoeroticism comes out of nowhere, the descriptive language is tired, and even though I've never read that last sentence, it still reads like the most trite 'sexual awakening' statement ever.

  23. Anonymous  

    this is the worst written thing i've ever read. are you kidding me? how has no one commented on the fact that this seems like it was written by a demented 3rd grader???

  24. Anonymous

    That was the hottest love story that I have read so far. It totally made my day. Hopefully you will find the right guy for you soon.

  25. Anonymous

    definitely not a love story. More like a vagina hating story. Seriously? gagging at the smell of a vagina? Fucking ridiculous. Also, women can't give blowjobs? Both the feminist and the cocksucker in me are insulted. Absolute bullshit, and horribly written to boot.

    • Anon  

      Well, it's true. Some women suck at blowjobs. However, all it requires is a little instruction from the guy (not to mention practice, which no matter how you spin it is NOT a bad thing). No one I've ever met hasn't been willing to improve...

      • Anonymous

        yeah but some guys can't give blowjobs either, that's my point. You can't group a whole sex based on the performance of a single person.

        This writer explicitly says "Women cannot give blowjobs. The most talented gift-givers are all of the gender that possess the tool you’re trying to work with." This is a really homogenizing thing to say. First, it assumes that every man in the world wants the same things to be done to his penis. False. I had a bf once who couldn't stand for his balls to be played with, and that's generally regarded as the holy grail of fellatio. I had another who only felt a ticklish sensation that was far from pleasure when his head was stimulated, and that's the spot with the highest concentration of nerve cells on the penis, a place where most men love stimulation. Every person is different. This guy didn't like the head this girl gave; is that reason to say no woman on earth can give excellent head? Yes, this person isn't attracted to women, I understand that, but for me the problem with this piece of writing in general is that it aims to get that point across by pretty much denigrating everything this girl tries to do in earnest, and then compounds that by suggesting no woman has what it takes to please a penis. Lots of men, straight or otherwise, have had bad experiences with women, but it's no reason to decry the whole sex as being unsatisfactory in bed compared to their male counterparts. Similarly, lots of gay men have had bad experiences with other men, but that doesn't mean they're going to say 'all men give bad head' and jump ship.

        In the end, I just felt bad for this girl who comes across as honestly and openly willing to please this young man with all the skills she had, though she perhaps floundering a bit. She even comforted him when he struggled with performing! This guy pretty much shat in her mouth with his attitudes, and subsequently this awful and awfully-written story. To the writer I say: congrats on your awakening. You're still an asshole. To the girl I say: better luck next time. And move out of Carman -- events of disappointment in the sexual realm are the only guaranteed thing in that dorm. Oh, and fire alarms.

        To you and other readers I say: I think the people that give the best head are the people most willing to try new things, please their partners, and listen to the requests of said partners if/when they are offered. Sex is

    • agree  

      some women can give blowjobs, some can't. End of story.

  26. gay marriage  

    I'm sorry, but as a bisexual, I feel I need to weigh in. IT'S NOT SEXIST. IT'S A FACT. Women are better than men at dealing with vaginas. Men are better than women with cock. Years of high school practice pay dividends. The gays get so much negative shit. This is the one thing they get better than straights.

    • really?

      I couldn't really tell if you were joking, but am I clear that the one thing you want the gay community to retain as being "better than straights" is fellatio? Aim high, my friend. Aim high.

  27. Bwog>CSpot  

    This is so much better than anything i've ever read in cspot. Thats not to say its AMAZING, its just way more accessible and interesting. Keep up the wood work! I mean, good work!

  28. desperately trying to find a playlist free of Rodgers and Hammerstein.

    loved ittttttttt!

  29. Grammah Pahlice  

    Police officers are not allowed to make reference to sex in their crime reports, but my grammar training requires me to point out the utter awfulness of the internal rhyme in paragraph 2 (intentional or not!) and the tremendous strangeness of "waggled her eyes." No wonder this poor kid was turned off. I've had women waggle their eyes at me while on a case...it took a lot to get back in the saddle. Sadly, despite whatever misplaced sympathy I have for the writer, he's also not allowed to tell me what death is like. No one can be sure! Lack of certainty is lack of quality. That's Statute S17. It's in the books.

  30. Anonymous

    I'm also at Columbia and recently discovering my interest in men. I think this guy should email me: [email protected]

  31. Anonymous  

    I loved this story and actually had an experience just like it. Can the writer please email me at [email protected]

  32. Anonymous  

    You know... guys that don't watch porn DO exist. They are perhaps as rare as a snow day at Columbia, but being a guy who's never watched porn(and has been in a couple of relationships)-unless you consider accidentally coming across a nasty site "watching"-I felt slightly offended.

    Other than the couple of generalizations, it was quite the enjoyable read for me.

    I also don't see why people are complaining so much about the technical aspects of the writing, besides just liking to complain. This wasn't even by one of the editors, who could be more justly accused of incompetence; it's just an anonymous story. Obviously some more proficiency would always be nice, but I find that for an anonymous submission, it was just fine. Form embodies content, not the other way around. Whether or not you liked the story is a different matter altogether.

  33. Anonymous  

    I give astounding blowjobs, asshole

  34. Anonymous

    Great story, but sucks that you got so close to the vag.

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