Mar

6

“It’s Mercy, Compassion, and Forgiveness I Lack. Not Rationality”

Written by

Ruthless

So it would seem, judging by some of the kill reports on CU Assassin’s website. While some are as descriptive as last year and others blatantly to the point, one thing remains constant as the obvious thought and dedication that was put into each of these ambushes will show: these assassins take their jobs seriously… except for maybe Spicy’s guy—”killed him while walking randomly on campus.”

Victim: Kobe
Time of Death: Thu Mar 3 19:03:32 EST 2011
Summary of Death:

Lesson learned: fix your privacy settings for Facebook. I knew who your Big was in your sorority, who our mutual friends were, and, as if you were damned from the start, I could see all of your profile pictures, making it very easy to spot you in these cold, unforgiving streets. (Of course, it also helped that your friend happened to “make you” walk by Lerner just as I happened to do the same. I appear more impressive than I actually am. Still impressive, though, if I do say so myself.)

Victim: Yoshi
Time of Death: Wed Mar 2 14:20:42 EST 2011
Summary of Death:
Partner and I acquired target’s schedule, hid in target’s closet for 40 minutes, and terminated target as she walked into the room.

Victim: Rowena Ravenclaw
Time of Death: Sat Mar 5 14:40:28 EST 2011
Summary of Death:
Fair Rowena Ravenclaw sat down for a a feast her strength replenished through the flesh of a beast with the thought of death on her mind the least She forgot to check every crack, every crease A worthy opponent, three times a winner She killed without mercy, no remorse in her But karma always catches up with a sinner And tonight, Ravenclaw is for dinner Back in the present the hunt is on Rowena eats as Helga yawns She feels as safe as if she’s in her back lawn A sitting duck soon to be gone There crept Fresh, he approached from the east Calm and prepared, his gun was greased Rowena’s time was clearly leased And with the pull of the trigger her breathing ceased.

Victim: Agent Orange
Time of Death: Sat Mar 5 0:29:03 EST 2011
Summary of Death:
Child: Pa-pa what manner of birds are they? Father: Not birds my child, but vile couriers of fiery death, recite the family prayer and dream of a joyous reunion with mother.

Victim: Dostoevsky
Time of Death: Fri Mar 4 20:11:25 EST 2011

So Dostoevsky, you thought you could just lie and dispute the first kill and get away with it. Well my friend, my teammate was watching you in Uris for a three hours and contacted me when you left. I was dressed as a Hawaiian Mongol so you didn’t notice me. Walked right through your group of “protectors” and emptied my gun on your back. Just to make sure you knew you were dead, my teammate ran up ahead and shot you a couple more times. Lets see you lie again and dispute this one.

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5 Comments

  1. LBB'12  

    I wonder if I can put my kill count on my resume?

  2. Anonymous  

    It's like seeing my obituary in the news

  3. Rolcats  

    Credit where credit is due: Agent Orange's kill report (along with many other hilarious faux-Soviet lolcats) is from http://rolcats.com/

  4. by far the best kill report  

    "One of the four celebrated Founders of Hogwarts, Hufflepuff was particularly famous for her dexterity at food-related Charms. Many recipes traditionally served at Hogwarts feasts originated with Hufflepuff." Helga Hufflepuff loved to eat In Ferris Booth, she took her seat. Casting food charms, quite a feat! Pulled out my wand, 'twas discreet. I was scared, but it was a treat. On your back, my wand went SKEET SKEET SKEET.

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