May

4

Senior Wisdom: Sarah Dooley

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Get wise with yet another senior.

Name, School: Sarah Dooley, BC

Claim to fame: I’m that girl who spilled mustard all over her shoes while you were getting free food in the Piano Lounge. If that’s not it, then good, I was lying, and my real answer is the 114th Varsity Show, singing/songwriting/ripping off Regina Spektor, ripping off Michael Scott/Michael Cera/“And Sarah” webseries.

Where are you going? My only job set in stone so far is playing Millie the Bear at the Barnard Reunion.

Three things you learned at Columbia:
1. #24 at Milano
2. Rancho Wrap at Tom’s
3. 2 Roti Rolls=too much; 2 Heights margs=perf

“Back in my day…” There was no 5 Guys. There was 1 guy, and it was that guy in M2M who always forgets my pickles.

Justify your existence in 30 words or fewer: Why is this all about food so far? I am deeper than that. I tweet too much? Food and twitter. Those are my two things, I guess. Officially.

Is the War on Fun over? Who won? Any war stories? This is pretty tame but last year Adam May and I tried to con our way into graduation to see Meryl Streep. The Man had closed all entrances to the EC courtyard, so we decided to try our luck at Casa Italiana. It was locked; we rang the buzzer. We’re so wild!

“Yes?”

“…We have an appointment?”

“…Ok.” (Fun fact: the Italians could give more of a shit.)

So we’re in. We’re leaping around like idiots, so proud of ourselves. We’re running up to the garden when a tall man with a poodle on a leash stops us. For real! Why would I lie to you! He was very tall! With a poodle! The poodle was normal-sized!

“Sorry, can I help you?”

“…We have an appointment?” (Consistency is key.)

“Well, the only office on this floor is mine…so do you mean you have an appointment with me?”

“…..”

“We wanted to look around?”

“…Oh, ok! Carry on!” (!!!!! Italians!! Love you guys!!)

So we’re back in the game. More leaping, more idiocy. We can hear the mothers clapping for Meryl, we can practically see the majestic sheen of her tailored suit, we are so close. We finally throw open the doors to the garden! There is a janitor. He says:

“Get the hell out.”

Finito.

Would you rather give up oral sex or cheese? Sophie’s choice.

That said, oral sex.

Close your eyes for a second. Ok now open them and keep reading. Imagine that world.

Mac n’ ____.

Grilled ____.

Who Moved My ____.

I mean, !!!! It’s a sick joke. Don’t be a monster.

Advice for the Class of 2015: Go abroad! Be nice to people! Sit under trees! Sit on the steps! Kiss! Never fart in the library, especially tiny rooms like 211! I’m looking at you, That Guy! Pants people! Go to the M&M store like, once, tops! If you have to poop and you’re far from your dorm, try the Hamilton basement! It’s usually empty! One time I found money on the floor there! Go to the roof of things! Shots!

Any regrets? Never pantsed anyone. How many days are left? Watch out all you brave, belt-shirking bozos!

Know someone wise? Submit your nominees’ UNIs and a few good tales to [email protected].

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33 Comments

  1. ryan  

    Sarah Dooley i don't know who you are but i desperately wish that i did. this was the best senior wisdom by far.

  2. Ian  

    Ah, that was you!

  3. YAY  

    I normally don't get these things, but Sarah is the bestttt

  4. huh?  

    just sounds like she's trying too hard.

  5. Anonymous  

    i just laughed out loud so hard at this

  6. I LOVE SARAH DOOLEY  

    I don't even know her, but I've had a girl crush on her foreverrrrr. Plus her music is amazing

  7. procrastinator  

    now i'm watching all of "and sarah"

    sd is the best!!

  8. Sarah Dooley  

    is a good egg.

  9. wow  

    i think i am in love

  10. Great

    great senior wisdom

  11. Sean Walsh  

    "PERF"!!! agh Sarah Dools you make my dreams come true

  12. What I noticed about  

    Barnard girls vs. Columbia girls: This. See how un-uptight and free-spirited she is?

  13. Adam  

    There is no one I'd rather get drunk and make fun of shitty post-90's Woody Allen dialogue with.

  14. Anonymous  

    You're hilarious. We need more first years like you, girl.

  15. nick (you know which one)  

    sarah dooley is the world's greatest. not r. kelly.

  16. sarah

    is the best. still laughing.

  17. THE BEST SENIOR WISDOM

    I've ever fucking read. And I had never heard of this girl.

    so funny!!

  18. Anonymous  

    I like you.

  19. LOL  

    Somebody mentioned in the comments a year ago how awesome this was going to be. And it was. Sarah rules.

  20. CC '14  

    Aaaannnddddd....you're my new hero.

  21. Anonymous  

    Why I came to Barnard. This girl. I mean...not entirely for real but so close.

  22. cc'11  

    i still listen to v114 on my itunes.

  23. damn  

    this was amazing. i wish i knew more people like you.

  24. i go for

    h16 or h17 at milanos

  25. Things I like about Sarah...

    Everything. What a freakin' superstar!

  26. ugh  

    call me when she stops doing her kristen schaal impersonation. One of the most affected, tiresome people between the two campuses.

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