May

7

Senior Wisdom: Benjamin Weiner

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Rise and shine with a warm cup o’ wisdom

Name, school: Benjamin Weiner, Columbia College

Claim to fame: I wish it were getting my songs stuck in people’s heads. It’s probably having embarrassingly luscious locks for sophomore and junior year.

Where are you going? Bonnaroo. Then a long nap. Then working on Pants the Musical with Katie Hathaway, BC’10. Pants will change your life.

Three things you learned at Columbia:

1. The best way to figure out what you actually ENJOY doing, versus what you do out of obligation, is to cut out everything and see what you miss. This is what study abroad is for.

2.When someone hands you an ice cream scoop filled with Nutella and Bailey’s, after you’ve already had too much to drink, eat it. You will vomit. But you will gain much more than you lose.

3. Napping with your work on your face makes you feel productive.

“Back in my day…” People owned days. My day was Tuesday. Then we gave them all to Facebook.

Justify your existence in 30 words or fewer:

From my colorblindness song:

I mustered up my courage (yellow)
Wrote you a song
Played it in Wallach and you looked melancholic
And I asked what was wrong…

Is the War on Fun over? Who won? Any war stories? We’re doing OK, see 40’s on 40. But know that Public Safety can also save you from yourself. Once, I found myself with my suitemates pushing a blue bin with a certain affroed senior engineer inside of it towards Low Steps. This engineer, being Zak Accuardi, wasn’t about to protest. But if Public Safety hadn’t seen that brown afro bopping up and down, I would have spent a majority of my Columbia career wheeling my roommate around in a wheelchair. He would have been chill about it. But I would have felt bad.

Would you rather give up oral sex or cheese? Oral sex. With the condition that when you take a photo everyone in it yells “Oral Sex!”

Advice for the class of 2015:

-Start a Lit-Hum comment with the phrase “If I had done the reading…”

-Suggest that the five people you are gchatting with, who are also gchatting each other, all go eat something.

-Be in a play. Especially if you can’t act. They won’t notice.

-Make a new tradition! You can do that. (For confirmation, linger in the Butler bathrooms on the Sunday before finals week.)

-“No” is a powerful word. No, you will not go to a random fundraiser on 23rd St. at 11PM on a Monday. No, you will not write a hollywood-style score for a documentary about bowel movements. You won’t do these things. Don’t say “Maybe!”

-When someone asks you how it’s going, don’t tell them how much work you have, or how little you’ve slept. Tell them what you’ve eaten recently. They’ll be overjoyed.

Any regrets? I worry that in a couple of my classes I was That Kid. I maybe should have hidden in the back every once in a while. Or I should have worn a suede vest and quoted Nietzsche in every class so that I was definitely That Kid. Also I was never featured on Bwog OH WAIT

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37 Comments

  1. ccXIV  

    AHAHAHAHAAH AMAZING

  2. whoever you are...  

    you just gave me back my faith in Columbia. thanks!

  3. This...  

    ...is my favorite senior wisdom so far. The advice for the class of 2015 is glorious.

  4. cc 2011  

    "When someone asks you how it’s going, don’t tell them how much work you have, or how little you’ve slept. Tell them what you’ve eaten recently. They’ll be overjoyed."

    wish i got this advice before.

    also my favorite so far.

  5. By far  

    my favorite senior wisdom. Has anyone noticed that the COOP senior wisdoms have been a bit lackluster? FEATURE SOME OF WEINER'S FRIENDS, EH BWOG

  6. WAIT  

    Don't leave! I want to know you.

  7. Anonymous  

    Has Zak been featured? If no, this must be remedied.

  8. :D  

    this was so good! also i think i witnessed the blue bin fiasco as you moved down the ramp from ec...

  9. Anonymous  

    See you at Bonnaroo!

  10. Best  

    senior wisdom so far!

    also, Zak Accuardi should be featured.

  11. BHW  

    hey you guys are too sweet.

    here's one of my songs go LOVE IT ALSO
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4JOR9FMJICk

  12. Anonymous  

    1. The best way to figure out what you actually ENJOY doing, versus what you do out of obligation, is to cut out everything and see what you miss. This is what study abroad is for.

    actually really good advice.

    he is really funny and this wisdom was actually wise..wish i knew this kid

  13. Anonymous  

    I loved Pooping in Butler as well. So creative! Ben is definitely one of the best seniors I know.

  14. Anonymous  

    "When someone asks you how it’s going, don’t tell them how much work you have, or how little you’ve slept. Tell them what you’ve eaten recently. They’ll be overjoyed."

    Yes, please.

  15. 2015

    i second the person who said please don't leave. don't. and that song was great, by the way.

  16. creepster  

    hilarz and refreshingly wise. ravish me!

    ...but like actually.

  17. Anonymous  

    I had a secret far away crush on this person for a while. oh well, goodbye!

  18. omg.

    Ben is the best! I'm going to miss him so much!

  19. I want  

    to give you mono.

  20. Anonymous  

    BEN! im gonna fuck this kid so raw before he leaves. just gonna grab him and press him up against a corner like that one near schermerhorn that no one can see you from and then enter from the back. we're gonna both like it but then i'm gonna hide him somewhere dark. just fuckin HIDE him you know?

    yeahhhhh.

    good luck making it out Ben, you will be missed <3

  21. Anonymous  

    BEN'S A SENIOR?!?! When did this happen?!

  22. charlie

    Because of my humungous crush on Ben, I have been unable to eat, sleep, or do literally anything but pine after him for the last three years. Thank goodness he is leaving, because I'm a mess.

    But real talk - you came up and spoke to me in John Jay the day after mad-awkward Paunch auditions freshman year, and I (rightly) thought that you were the coolest person ever. You rock out Alfred, your plays are amazing, and you make this school a jolly nice place to be.

    EVERYONE WHO SEES BEN -> HUG HIM AT ONCE!

  23. Anonymous  

    When guys have hair like that, it makes me want to rip off their clothes. Bring back the luscious locks, Ben!

  24. he's perfect!  

    I'm in love. I'm in love with him. I want.

  25. this whole time  

    I thought I was the only person with a massive debilitating crush on Ben Weiner! I felt weird about it, like having a third nipple or something. Turns out he's a stud and approximately one in eighteen people have extra nipples somewhere, they just don't realize it. You go Ben Weiner.

  26. FACT

    We all love Ben Weiner. I will forever apologize to him for butchering his song. You know who this is Weiner, you still owe me that story from Othello.

  27. CC '15

    "Make a new tradition! You can do that."

    This.

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