May

11

Senior Wisdom: Nimra Azmi

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Name, school: Nimra Azmi, A Lady Bear

Claim to fame: Vice-President and Co-Founder of CU Chai Chat; General Campus Ragamuffin/Foul Mouth/Perpetrator of Jankiness; Owner and compiler of The Creepbook.

Where are you going? Back home to the rolling hills of Murrysville, PA to study for the LSAT, apply for law school, and generally wish that I hadn’t decided that graduating in three years was a good idea.

Three things you learned at Columbia:

1) Somehow, the work always manages to get done, so you might as well have a lot of fun and be generally irresponsible. The memories of scrambling to study and complete assignments at the last minute usually dim to make the experience biannually palatable. This is but one of the many similarities between final exams and childbirth.

2) Saying “Assalamualaikum” to the food cart guys significantly reduces the risk of being uncomfortably flirted with. You can keep your white sauce to yourself, thanks.

3) How to cook chicken and do laundry. Any princes looking for a wife who can cook chicken with soy sauce and garlic and do all your laundry together in the warm cycle? (Separate but equal is inherently unequal, y’all. That’s why I wash my lights and darks together.)

“Back in my day…”James Franco was always studying in 209, totally feeding off the attention, but then he would complain about he was always gawked at (big surprise, genius) on shows like LIVE! with ReGiS!! and KeLLy!!! And I once circumambulated him, my eyes never leaving his face.

Justify your existence in 30 words or fewer: I know James Franco’s UNI and I am an ordained minister (Open-ministry.org — anyone can do it!). I can also recite “The Lion King” and “Aladdin” by heart.

Is the War on Fun over? Who won? Any war stories? Gurlfrand, I AM the War on Fun. In my first-year, a young lady and a young gentleman found that the mildewy walls of the Reid 4 bathroom got them hot and bothered and so they decided to partake of the ambiance (and each other) within. After they’d slipped into the shower, I stomped into the bathroom and bellowed in my best Charlton Heston impression, “Fornicators! God shall smite thee on His chosen day!” It was as if Moses was in the room with us. Anyways, I scurried out, but when my friend went in immediately afterwards to use the bathroom for its actual purpose, she heard the dude say, “I’m sorry, but I can’t do this.” And I’ve been killing boners ever since.

Would you rather give up oral sex or cheese? Sometimes, the question can be reduced to “What can I actually get?” I hereby, and much to my everlasting chagrin, declare my lifelong commitment to cheese.

Advice for the class of 2015: To quote my favorite third grade science teacher, Ms. Frizzle, “Take chances, make mistakes, get messy!” Seriously. You’ll never have the same opportunity as you do in college to make an ass of yourself with such minimal risk. Take full advantage of this. Bust out of your comfort zone. Become the person you’d otherwise be afraid to be.

Any regrets? None, really. If I were to do everything over again, I would do it pretty much the same. However, I must say that the quality of my college experience would have been vastly improved by a QUIDDITCH TEAM. I joined a Facebook group for a Columbia Quidditch team before freshman year, but that group’s promises were as false as a basilisk’s smile.

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34 Comments

  1. i am simultaneously  

    turned off and on by her

  2. Anonymous

    OMG why do I not know you personally?? This actually made me laugh out loud. Something that was very much needed, thank you. I'm going to have to try the bellowing in the bathroom sometime.

  3. bc 2011  

    i wish i knew her. this was hilarious! one of my favorites so far

  4. ramshacklerodeo

    Food cart guys flirt with chicks? That's funny they're always flirting with me, and I'm a dude...

  5. BC '14

    She sounds like the most fun! This is probably my favorite one. I hope I can be as funny/frightening as her by the time I graduate.

  6. (you didn't kill this boner)  

    ;)

  7. Amazing

    She seems so cool!

  8. Henna  

    SHE IS MY CLOSEST FRIEND! AND SHE ALWAYSSSSSSS MAKES ME LAUGH! ROCK ON NIMMY DOODLE

  9. ????  

    Childbirth biannually? My uterus just cringed.

  10. mumtaz  

    funniest shit ever NIMRA YOU ARE THE MAN.

  11. Anonymous  

    dude i will provide all the white sauce you have denied yourself

  12. Insiya Taj

    LIKE OHEMGEEEE i"VE KNOWN HER SINCE I WAS LIKE TENNNN OMEGHHHGSZKFJDKJF NIMRAAAA YOURE SO KEWLLLL

  13. love this  

    senior wisdom. keep rocking!

  14. would

    happily provide her with oral sex and cheese

  15. this was the funniest so far

    and i've read every single senior wisdom piece this year

  16. nimra aziz

    is fucking awesome.

    end of story

  17. best answer ever

    Would you rather give up oral sex or cheese? Sometimes, the question can be reduced to “What can I actually get?” I hereby, and much to my everlasting chagrin, declare my lifelong commitment to cheese.

  18. Anonymous  

    After they’d slipped into the shower, I stomped into the bathroom and bellowed in my best Charlton Heston impression, “Fornicators! God shall smite thee on His chosen day!”

    This is too amazing.

  19. Nimra!

    Can't believe you're leaving! What am I to do without your sass?

  20. Generally  

    Generally, the second time someone says generally, I give up reading/listening.

  21. Sad to have never met her  

    HILARIOUS! She is awesome, as is Barnard.

  22. Anonymous

    LOVE NIMRA LOVE BARNARD (dumb choice to graduate early 'cause we'll miss you!)

  23. this was

    a fucking hilarious SW!

  24. Logan

    NIMRA I <3 YOU!!! Seriously, Somerville/Liam/Whatever else (Kaye? Idk) we took together--never forget you... You always make me laugh... let's definitely hang out soon.

    This was some funny shit, and I read it with your voice in my head, which made it all the funnier. I can definitely hear you saying "Gurlfrand, I AM the War on Fun."

    And I didn't know how obsessed you were with James Franco. Creepy, Nimra. Way creepy. He's, like, OLD. And weird.

  25. Anonymous

    i want to marry this girl. or have her marry me (open-ministry.org!)

  26. Anonymous

    A lady bear indeed! Any regrets? That I had not crossed paths with this individual! Soy-garlic chicken is one of my favorites

  27. Anonymous

    I do know her personally. She is actually this funny at all times. It's kinda awesome

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