May

12

Senior Wisdom: Rubeintz Philippe

Written by

Name, school: Rubeintz Bennett Philippe, CC

Claim to fame: Co-founding a failed comic book company. Getting people Daily Show passes while interning there. Nothing else that really lends itself to acronym form. Mostly just being that black French-Canadian kid with the untraceable accent.

Where are you going? Home to Montreal to finally get my driver’s license—no judgment—and then onward to Austin TX for this fellowship thingy I’m truly psyched about. And stopping at an animal shelter along the way to finally get a dog because it’s been 23 years and that needs to happen like, now.

Three things you learned at Columbia:

1. How to bask in the awkward and confused silence that comes with answering “Creative Writing” to the “what’s your major?” question. Especially in a circle of iBanking folks comparing incentive packages.

2. That watching scandalous porn as a group is perhaps the most effective floor-bonding activity there is.

3. Teaching us to convincingly BS in an open forum of peers is one of the implicit goals of the Core seminars. And a pretty useful skill to develop at that.

Justify your existence in 30 words or fewer:

I make white guys everywhere feel better about their dancing.

Is the War on Fun over? Who won? Any war stories? Not really. The worst oppressor to my fun has always been me. Can’t exactly blame the establishment for staying in with the NBC Thursday night lineup and the phone turned off only to find that your friends ended up at a Brooklyn warehouse party the next day.

“Back in the day…” Chatroulette was a thing but no one would tell me why. Oh and we didn’t have ROTC on campus which I think made us a lesser community. That’s right: things just got barely political up in this house!

Would you rather give up oral sex or cheese? It’s unlikely that I’ll ever find myself in the predicament of a committed, emotionally fulfilling relationship with someone who gives really bad cheese.

Advice for the Class of 2015:

Between core section assignments, roommates, the housing lottery, and class registration, a lot of your life here will essentially be a crapshoot. Learn to go with it early on, or you’ll drive yourself ragged trying to get everything right every six months.

Don’t freak out the first or second time you change your major. Maybe the third though.

Democrats, get to know the Republicans around you. Republicans; hit up those Dems. You’ll either be pleasantly surprised or they’ll be dicks and reaffirm all of your beliefs. Either way be grateful; you have no idea how aggressively dull Canadian politics are.

Try not to roll your eyes too much. From kids who use the word ‘cachinnation’ to overeager TAs who insist on sitting down with every last student in a 140-person lecture; in 4 years, nostalgia will file everything under ‘Precious Memories’. I guarantee it.

Don’t do your online shopping in class. #ivyleaguebitch is supposed to be satire.

To borrow a line from my boy Sebastian; kiss the girl. Or guy, whichever. When you’re in that moment—at 1020, Westside Market, or wherever—absolutely go for it. We need more romance around here. It’s kind of dire.

Absolutely no whining about the core, children. You all read the goddamn pamphlet before getting here.

Most heated discussions, from abortion to race, can usually be defused by talking about Glee. People here go absolutely ape-feces for Glee. I’ve had 80-minute lectures centered on Glee. So on that note, become conversationally savvy about Glee—Who knew Santana would turn out to be so complex, am I right?

Any regrets? Buckets of them! Not squeezing a History concentration in there, stepping barefoot on a used tampon in a common bathroom, having a Keyser Soze moment a month later when I realized whose it was, having occasional bouts of friendship ADD (sorry Sabine), calling a professor’s book “innately flawed” in a term paper worth 50% of the final grade, etc…But again at this point nostalgia is working its magic.

Stay classy, Morningside.

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31 Comments

  1. Bravo  

    This is a good one. Just don't kiss me if you see me at 1020.

  2. TRUTH  

    "Absolutely no whining about the core, children. You all read the goddamn pamphlet before getting here."

  3. Anonymous

    is the fucking man.

  4. i know everyone says this  

    but THISSSSS is the best senior wisdom ever. so great.

  5. BROOKLYN WAREHOUSE PARTY

    FTW

  6. Anonymous  

    top notch wisdom right here

  7. cc'10

    Rubeintz is fucking awesome. Only met him a couple times but he was as funny/ sincere/ wise/ self-deprecating as he is here. This guy is gonna do big things - and he's gonna be a nice, charming, good person while he does 'em - I guarantee it.

    • "Have you met my brother Anderson?"  

      I 100% agree with everything said!! Don't let the shyness fool you: get one (seriously just one) beer into him and he's THE fucking funniest, most politically incorrect guy you can hope to meet who becomes best friends with anyone in .5 seconds. Ive never met anyone else who knew every cachier at WS.

      I'm gonna miss your neurotic lightweight ass next year, BenBen. You have no idea.

  8. Anonymous

    i think i just fell in love

    • Anonymous  

      but seriously. i don't even think it's because i'm drunk.
      good luck with everything rubientz! if you're really as great as you sound in this senior wisdom, you'll go places.

  9. The disappointment of never knowing you  

    is only one drop in a sea of post-grad despair.

  10. finally  

    a funny, true and down-to-earth senior wisdom. "Teaching us to convincingly BS in an open forum of peers is one of the implicit goals of the Core seminars. And a pretty useful skill to develop at that."'

    couldnt have said it better myself. too bad i never met the guy

  11. we know you will  

    Keep Austin Weird!!!

  12. I think you know who I am

    "I make white guys everywhere feel better about their dancing."
    How did I JUST KNOW you would make a racist pun on here?

    If black guys like you had strict parents you'd be beaten and chained to a wall and reprimanded for not meeting up to your ethnic group -- i mean COME ON. What black guy LETS a white guy show HIM HOW TO DANCE??

    disgraceful.

  13. Aartine  

    I owe my life to this man. They're going to love you in Texas, HMB!

  14. SO TRUE  

    WEIRD PORN IN GROUP IS THE BEST BONDING EXPERIENCE. EVER. AAAAAAH FRESHMAN YEAR LOVE MEMORIES RETURNING.

  15. Austinite

    Considering that Austin is being infiltrated by California Hipster-turned yuppie douche, he seems like he'll be a good addition to my weird and awesome city.

  16. i don't know you

    but this is great and you are wise. good luck next year!

  17. Best one.

    I don't know him, but this has been my favorite wisdom yet. That said, I see anyone who adopts homeless pets through fuckin' awesome colored glasses.

  18. yo

    My friend says you're a cute black guy who looks like Usher.

    - Asian guy who frequently makes obnoxious racial comments on your FB wall and extends it to Bwog.

  19. amelie

    this guy has two Fendi purses and a silver Lexus.

  20. marla

    I heard he does car commercials. In Japan.

  21. sue

    One time Ben met John Stamos on a plane.

    Stamos told him he was pretty.

  22. abed

    One time he punched me in the face. It was awesome.

  23. Eggos

    If you need fresh ink in Austin, buddy, hit me up. I'll also be happy to review (steal) your next novel!

  24. hopeless romantic

    "To borrow a line from my boy Sebastian; kiss the girl. Or guy, whichever. When you’re in that moment—at 1020, Westside Market, or wherever—absolutely go for it. We need more romance around here. It’s kind of dire."

    so, so true.

  25. soulmates  

    NBC FRIDAY NIGHT LINEUP FTW. LET'S BE BEST FRIENDS.

  26. 'Problems of Law & Society' memory  

    OMFG I loved this guy!!

    We weren't friends but we did have one socio seminar together and he almost never talked, just seemed like he was barely there, until one day this annoying girl who couldn't go 2 minutes without shoving her life story as an "oppressed minority" into the discussion said another stupid thing and he just raised his hand and...freaking tore her to PIECES! It was glorious.

    From CC Foucault to random optional class readings, he refuted everything she threw at him and backed it up too, until she started backtracking and finally just went quiet (for like a month!). it was like a male Blair Waldorf on crack. Even the professor was speechless.

    Thanks for the amazing memory of that verbal smackdown and good luck in Texas!!

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