May

18

Senior Wisdom: Roxanne Unger

Written by

Name, school: “Roxanne” Unger, CC

Claim to fame: Two things: COÖP Coordinator and sophomore year I ate only one color every day for a week with my roommate Nora Rodriguez. Blue day was the hardest (blueberries and Hpnotiq).

Where are you going? I’ll probably get a professional job or career at some point. Once that’s accomplished, I’m sure I’ll be really busy with meetings, conferences, teleconferences, conference calls, and office gossip –not to mention all the pant suits and memos. So I most likely won’t be reachable by anyone but business associates and professional colleagues. Your best bet will be to try my beeper.

Three things you learned at Columbia:

1. Rooftops are accessible –don’t take no for an answer.

2. Mice are inevitable, and they will parade about your kitchen like they own the place. I’m talking to you, Melissa.

3. Sometimes you’ll win a free meal at Community by making a dress out of trash, and sometimes Community will burn down before you’re able to use it.

“Back in my day…” Ferris Booth wasn’t all-you-can-eat. I recently ventured back, blacked out, and emerged 2 hours later having eaten my weight in egg salad. Thanks, Columbia?

Justify your existence in 30 words or fewer: If a Fahrenheit 451–type situation were to come about, I’d be able to recount most of the original Star Wars trilogy by heart. The prequels can go up in flames for all I care.

Is the War on Fun over? Who won? Any war stories? Who knows if this perennial struggle will ever truly be over, but think it’s fair to say that the seniors won a decisive victory this year with 40s on 40. The night, however, was not without casualties. In hot pursuit of known criminal Javi Plasencia, I barrel rolled (or was it tripped… I don’t remember) over a chain fence on college walk. In the process I lost my phone and my dignity.

Would you rather give up oral sex or cheese? Whoever chooses oral sex for this question has never tasted manchego.

Advice for the class of 2015:

1. Pass/fucking/fail. You should do this every semester. You can always uncover it, so it’s a win-win

2. Never feel guilty about taking a nap. When you need sleep, you need sleep. Personally I think it’s almost always worth it.

3. Don’t freak out if you don’t meet your BFFs in the first week of school. There are sooo many incredible people at Columbia, and you’ll find amazing friends!

4. Do COÖP!!! One of the best decisions you’ll make!

Any regrets? No regrets! I loved my time at Columbia, and I wouldn’t change a thing. I will, though, say this: We’re in this together, COÖP, never tell anyone.

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22 Comments

  1. THE MORE IMPORTANT QUESTION IS...

    HAS THIS YOUNG LADY EVER FUCKED AN ASI-----HOLY FUCK SHE'S HOT!!!

    6 foot 1, athlete/med school bound guy here.

    hit me up hottie!

  2. THE NEXT PERSON BELOW ME

    may pick one of these generic Bwog responses as a comment to this fine young senior’s wisdom:
    1) This was by far, the BEST SENIOR WISDOM EVER.
    2) Omg sooo true. This was a very genuine senior wisdom.
    3) She sounds really nice! I regret not meeting you sooner.
    4) She’s going to go places. One of the more genuine senior wisdoms I’ve seen.
    5) OMG I LOVE THE ANSWER TO THE [INSERT QUESTION, e.g. "Cheese"] QUESTION.
    6) She sounds like a tool.
    7) She tries too hard to be funny.
    8) I found it funny!
    9) That wasn’t funny.
    10) Something about barnard.

  3. Anonymous

    instead of use any of those i'm gonna say something else

    roxanne has really big boobs

  4. Anonymous

    Roxanne is amazing!!!

  5. COOP LEADERS

    Are some of the most attractive people on campus

  6. Anonymous  

    roxannnnnnne!!!! she's the BEST so much love and good luck with real life!

  7. Anonymous

    I'm confused by the answer to the cheese question. Does she mean whomever gives up cheese has never tasted manchego?

  8. turn on the red light!  

    WALK THE STREETS FOR MONEY
    YOU DON'T CARE IF IT'S WRONG OR RIGHT.

    ROXANNE, YOU DON'T HAVE TO PUT ON THE RED LIGHT!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k3EmA-eJPxs

  9. turn on the red light!  

    roxanne you don't have to turn on the red light!
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k3EmA-eJPxs

  10. o.O

    Is she related to Felix?

  11. queso manchego  

    =my reason for living

  12. Van Owen

    Roxanne, you are a sexy biatch.

  13. Anonymous  

    roxanne you're the best!!

  14. Melissa  

    My nanny and I are following you to Brooklyn.

  15. "This

    will all be funny in 40 years" - Nick Serpe

  16. Anonymous  

    Hurrah, Roxanne! I'm in this together with you, COOP, tell no one!!

  17. sari

    hellllllllllllllllllllz yeah.

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