May

20

Senior Wisdom: Jonathan Tanners

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Name, school: Jonathan Tanners, CC

Claim to fame: My voice travels through walls, I have decent facial hair, and my advisor told me I was a bad person freshman year because I didn’t want to take any classes before 11:30AM. Somehow I managed to wake up and be a cofounder of CUSH (the Columbia University Society of Hip-Hop). I received a C – – on a paper in Dinosaurs and the History of Life.

Where are you going? Back to my parents’ place and then hopefully to a mansion with a solid gold toilet in one of the bathrooms.

Three things you learned at Columbia

1. C – – is an actual grade. Ask my T.A. from Dinosaurs and the History of Life.

2. The Steps are not conducive to timely class attendance, but that’s great.

3. Even when you think finals are finished, someone probably has one on the last day. Try not to sing Chris Brown’s “Forever” across the McBain shaft if you think people might still have finals.

“Back in my day…” Will Smith was a rapper, Patrick Ewing was limping up and down the court roping me into a misguided sense of Knicks-pride, and I didn’t think twice about ordering a McDonald’s Happy Meal. Now I eat tempeh.

Justify your existence in 30 words or fewer: The first CD I ever bought was Coolio’s Gangsta’s Paradise. My idea of a good time is the movie Martyrs. Don’t Google it.

Is the War on Fun over? Who won? Any war stories? I don’t really have anything to report from these frontlines. An RA tried to write my roommate and me up for a noise complaint in Carman freshman year. Nothing ever came of it, so I guess I won.

Someone threw a 40 out my suite window this year. If you’re that person, we’d like another 40, please.

Would you rather give up oral sex or cheese? I believe it was noted philosopher Cam’ron who said “I just want head from Patti Labelle.” Then again, I always keep a few bags of Baby Bel’s in the fridge.

Advice for the class of 2015:

Take care of your mental health. You’re almost certainly not going to sleep enough over the next four years, but if you wake up one morning and your body says “today is not a Lit Hum day,” it is ok to listen. Cervantes has been around for a while. He’s going to stay around. He can wait. Watch another episode of The Wire and fall back asleep.

Also, talk to as many people as possible. I’ve learned more from my friends and their experiences than I have from any class, as clich√© as it sounds. There are remarkable people from all corners of the globe walking around this campus–not all of them students–and it’s worth your while to get to know as many as possible. So this goes hand in hand with sleeping in: if someone asks you to go on a late night Ham Del run, don’t say no.

Lastly, if you like music, spend time at WKCR.

Any regrets? Nope.

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13 Comments

  1. aww shit

    john tanners is a fuckin boss tycoon

  2. Anonymous

    i'm gonna miss your borderline abusive conversations with roxanne...

  3. ok ok  

    i'm kind of high, for some reason reading this made me want to listen to the beastie boys? hopefully you appreciate that. good luck in life, jon tanners!

  4. OMG

    Martyrs. Googled it. Horrifying nightmares will follow...

    p.s. I LOVE YOU JON TANNERS, SUPER HOTTIE. MARRY ME. WE'LL HAVE A 90'S GANGSTA RAP-THEMED WEDDING AND I'LL MAKE YOUR SOLID GOLD TOILET DREAMS COME TRUE.

  5. Anonymous  

    JON TANNERS IS THE MAN!

  6. You're a fucking walking paradox

    no you're not. But seriously, let's have a threesome with a triceratops.

  7. wait

    didn't this kid set his room on fire once? that should be his claim to fame.

  8. UGH  

    I've had the BIGGEST crush on this dude all semester. so smart and funny... and yum. also, his facial hair is more than decent. and his burly man voice! I'd listen to him quote odd future any day. or coolio.

  9. Anonymous

    Tanners makes my pussy pop. and I don't even have one.

  10. Anonymous

    nanny, I need a wiping.

  11. Martyrs

    just made me sit on the toilet vomiting and explosively pooping for hours. Then I fell asleep. Definitely a must see.

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