If you’re one of those Columbians still sitting around in your ninja costume and roller blades, whining about how you can’t get a summer internship (or girlfriend, see: possession of ninja costume and rollerblades), whine no longer! Just head over to northeast campus and find the grad student who’s waiting patiently, tapping his ninja star against the thigh of his own costume. He will welcome you, as long as you have “experience handling fruit.” Note: That’s a euphemism. Ze’ev Gebler spotted the following cry for help in SIPA—coincidentally, it contains the exact same text as our Match.com profile:

Because nothing screams "legitimacy" like Magic Marker on a sheet of paper towel. Hung with re-used tape.