May

5

Senior Wisdom: Margaret Kaminski

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Name, Hometown, School, Major: Margaret Kaminski, New York City, Barnard, Philosophy

Claim to Fame: Sister of Sigma Delta Tau, fundraiser emcee, and general loudmouth. I was briefly slandered on college ACB under the pseudonym “Morgit.” I threw a ragin’ 365 party at Cannons a few years back (which I’m sure somebody will explain in the comments). You may have seen me half-naked outside Butler, half-naked in ADP, or fully clothed by a pile of mac n’ cheese in Ferris.

Where are you going? It’s still up in the air, but I may be hitting the road with the Vans Warped Tour this summer before settling in at a children’s publishing house come September. After that I will probably stay in young adult media until I abandon the corporate lifestyle in favor of starting my own business and subsequent Bravo reality show based on my craft (I’m going to make it about puppies!!!!). Then I’m moving to Montana.

Three things you learned at Columbia:

  1. What I thought I knew, I really didn’t know at all. My first year here I took a class called Contemporary Moral Problems where we talked about getting abortions and eating meat and watching porn and everything else fun. I walked in on the first day with a manifesto of sorts, ready to declare my allegiance to whatever side of the battle I had been raised to agree with. But then I did the readings (cough.), listened to the discussions, and took a second look at how I really felt about things. Some of my opinions stayed the same, and some of them changed entirely. The moral of this boring story is, it’s okay to change your mind sometimes.
  2. The worst thing that could possibly happen really isn’t that bad. Don’t let fear – of any kind – stop you from trying something. Afraid you might fall on stage? Be the slowest person on the track in Dodge? Say something stupid in front of your hot TA in discussion section? Trust me, I’ve done worse. And so has probably every person there to witness your bloopers. What is youth about if not embarrassing yourself publicly day after day? Just don’t put it on the internet.
  3. If it exists, you can probably get it for free. This is a life lesson, but is particularly relevant at Columbia. Do you guys know how expensive condoms are in the real world? I wouldn’t either, but I do know you can get them for free here! Stock up, because someday, you might be getting some. You can also get free lube, and therapy, and food on any night of the week. Mix and match as you please! Barnard even has a nutritionist on staff. Here, they want to give you things just because you’re a woman. That’s true in the real world too, but then you have to put out.

“Back in my day…” Manchester Diner was West Way Cafe, Absolute Bagels never had a line, Saga Sushi existed, everybody knew about and nobody talked about Vine’s shitty health code rating, Fortago’s delivered uptown, there was a rumor that Sig Ep was cool, there were only four “Columbia bars,” Bigga was unemployed, Ferris wasn’t unlimited, and what the fuck is the hive?

Justify your existence in 30 words or less: Level 80 frostfire troll mage in WoW, summit-ed Mt. Washington twice, accused of sexually harassing 80-year-old in high school. I have stories to tell.

Is the War on Fun over? Who won? Any war stories? The war is never over. Or maybe it never existed at all. I will say that Columbia puts up with a lot of public drunkenness, but I’d also say we’ve earned it. Keep fighting the good fight, young soldiers. And by that I mean keep making snow penises.

Would you rather give up oral sex or cheese? When cheese is moldy, one need only cut off the moldy part to eat it. I’ll just let you sit on that.

Advice for the class of 2016: Plenty.

  • First semester, everybody wants to transfer. Don’t.
  • Barnard and Columbia don’t actually hate each other, or at least that was never my experience. Don’t let this past year convince you that this rivalry will define your time here. Some people, I’m sure, do think Barnard is populated by morons. But those people also have small penises. Bring it on, trolls.
  • Go abroad. Get your credits approved first, but go. You’ll regret it if you don’t.
  • Go Greek. Whether you become president of your organization or a fringe member who only shows up to formal, you will have a much-needed support system behind you regardless. And you may even meet your best friends (… that’s as sappy as I get. Love you guys).
  • Don’t think you can live without air conditioning over the summer. “I’ll just get a fan! I can handle it! But I’m from the equator!” I don’t want to hear it. You will die.
  • Work on Fridays. I know three-day weekends sound amazing, and they are. But you’ve been given one full workday per week in New York City. Get. A. Job. Or join a club. Or take an extra class. Don’t just use Fridays as hangover days (though you can still be hungover while doing something else).
  • Don’t just sit in your room. I’m graduating on time, despite having seen every episode of Real World/Road Rules Challenge. Twice. But I’ve still been to comedy shows, dance performances, plays, concerts, restaurants, mixers, and birthday parties, and I’ve even just sat on the steps for hours at a time when the weather is nice enough. Don’t let your homework or your laziness get in the way of your college experience.
  • Don’t tell anyone this, but the best pizza in the world is on 102nd and Broadway. Sal and Carmines. They also have cans of Yoo-Hoo. Be respectful when you’re there. You’re in the presence of legends.

Any regrets? Never knowing what regret feels like. And not having more time to spend here with you all.

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41 Comments

  1. love her

    so glad to meet you this year, margaret! <3

  2. sigma delta tau sister  

    morgan is an amazing person - her humor and her ability to make you feel instantly comfortable are two traits i specifically enjoy.

    i agree with working on fridays and not sitting in your room. these are two things i wish i knew sooner.

    great senior wisdom, morgit!

  3. Anonymous

    love you morgit

  4. Anonymous

    SDT loves morgit

  5. btg  

    Morgit is the coolest. Thanks for sharing your invaluable advice regarding the moldiness of cheese.

  6. WE LOVE

    MORGIT!!!!!!<3 DONT LEAVE US!

  7. The Dark Hand

    >calling out trolls in your post.
    >implying that doesn't mean the trolls were successful

    Typical Barnard.

  8. CC 12  

    such a nice change of pace from the other senior wisdoms. seriously a pleasure to read as I slowly die here in SIPA

  9. Sal and Carmines  

    yes

  10. RRA  

    I'm loving all of these Philosophy majors!

  11. Sigma Delta Dudes  

    I will carry on your legacy of Sportsmanship and Spirit!
    The beatbox dance-offs will never end.

    This is the sound of the green team 2012...

  12. Anonymous  

    I LOVE MORGIT SO MUCH. love, bon

  13. Anonymous

    "First semester, everybody wants to transfer. Don’t."

    So true.

  14. Anonymous

    "The worst thing that could possibly happen really isn’t that bad" actually is a pretty wise/important thing to say. props.

  15. I hear...  

    Montana is the best place for general stores (and general happiness). Morgit's the wisest!

  16. trusted source  

    one of the more loud, fake, attention-seeking people i've met at this school. i know she'll read every one of these comments. shame on bwog.

  17. Anonymous

    365 party=365 days without sex. it has now been almost three years... sorry margaret! love you . actually one of the funnieat people i know.

  18. Sig Delt  

    Margaret is AMAZING!! She's ridiculously funny, outgoing, and caring. I'm so proud to call her my sister!

  19. Lvl 80 FF Mage

    and she even rolled Horde? Bitch prbly sheeps like a champ while staying at the top o' that DPS chart.

    I'd let her pet my Nether Ray if you know what I'm saying.

    - Sincerely, BElf Huntard.

  20. greentea

    I can tell you are one fucking funny bitch just by reading this :) thanks for the laugh !

  21. that guy

    still waiting on someone to comment on the metaphor of her bwog senior wisdom picture to that of a specific activity in a typical session of sexual congression

  22. Anonymous

    OMG I LOVE MARGIE

  23. Anonymous

    Well.fucking.done
    -Jodes

  24. Anonymous

    guys this got weird fast.

  25. Anonymous

    ONE OF THE FUNNIEST PEOPLE IN THE HISTORY OF FOREVER

  26. Anonymous

    MARGARET I LOVE YOU literally one of the most hilarious people ever

  27. Senior Wisdom Choices  

    "What is youth about if not embarrassing yourself...just don’t put it on the internet."

    Let's take a look at what you just put on the internet:

    You were half naked outside butler and a fraternity house.
    You state publicly that you think watching porn is fun.
    You talk about "getting some," buying lube, and putting out.
    You curse, mention you were accused of sexual harrasment, and call out men's penis sizes.

    Why is this girl on senior wisdom? Can't we have the kid who won a Marshall Scholarship or the Rhodes Semi-finalists or something? I'm graduating from Columbia, I don't want to read what sounds like a high school girl's rant while drunk.

    • Anonymous

      could not be more confident that you (commenter) have the smallest penis, ever

    • Anonymous  

      I think I'd personally rather read something funny and amusing on an online student-run blog during my study break than something a rhodes scholar finalist wrote. no offense but this school needs to lighten up. People like Margaret, while yes, are incredibly crazy, make this school bearable. also... c'mon there is some wise shit in here.

  28. I'm Sitting Next to Margaret Right Now

    And she smells like roses, hershey's hugs, divaliciousness, and lube. WHAT OF IT?

  29. hahahahahahah

    WE LOVE YA MORGIT SIGDELTSENIORSLOVIN <3

    every hangout with her is good laugh and better yet a fantastic ab workout whoooooooo

    but really, she's pretty incredible. love you girl

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