May

7

When a Dorm is Actually a Pig Sty

Written by

Zuzana Giertlova dons her detective hat and pigs out. Read this and more in the April issue of The Blue & White, on campus this week!

Illustration by Louise McCune, CC '13

Rumor had it there was a pig living in a University-owned building somewhere in the city. The Blue & White took it upon themselves to investigate, and set out to find either pink, porky proof or call hogwash on the matter. But a Skype date with Gus and his landlords, to whom we will refer by their self-selected pseudonyms, proved the tail true.

“Young Dirty Tree Hugga” (YDTH) and the less flatteringly labeled “Broken Johnson” verified that a mini Vietnamese potbelly indeed inhabits their living space, despite the University’s ban on animal residents. But losing the hairs on their chinny-chin-chins is well worth the risk. As Broken Johnson explains, “he nuzzles me for hours.”

A piglet may not be the most sensible choice for a pet: Gus seems a bit porky for tight NYC quarters. Broken Johnson, however, readily explains his dedication to housing Old McDonald’s favorite friend. “I’ve wanted a pig for years now. They are smart and capable of amazing feats.”

Truly, with Gus’s skills, he deserves a gangsta name of his own. He can sit on command and spin in a circle until rewarded with food. Gus also doubles as the roommates’ “mentor—[he’s] an inspiration.” An avid disco fan, the pig criticizes YDTH and Broken Johnson’s music as they produce it; if the track is bumping, his tail goes bananas. If they’re off, Gus gives them a death stare, indicating the jam is nothing short of swine. “He’s a smart motherfucker,” YDTH concludes.

Gus spends most of his time sleeping or, as YDTH comments, “Looking for food, or eating food, or asking for food. Maybe because he’s a pig or something?” Gus, conscious of keeping his potbelly under control, looks to greens, such as lettuce from the university cafeteria, to maintain his svelte figure. When he does pig out, Gus’ guilty pleasure is straight from Mary Kate Olsen’s cookbook: unsalted popcorn.

Though he is “loved by everyone,” the future for this young, porcine talent remains uncertain. The human pair agrees that Gus is “really [their] friend,” but YDTH darkly reminds us of his own vices: “I really like bacon.”

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10 Comments

  1. Anonymous  

    Zuz's accent is crazy sexy and her puns are good. A++ would read again

  2. Yikes!

    Pigs actually do make for good pets. Students, on the other hand, are poorly suited to the responsibilities of pet ownership.

    Students with dorm pets are like absent fathers. And we know how that usually affects kids.

  3. Anonymous

    lets see a picture!

  4. umm...  

    I hope that they are aware miniature Vietnamese pot-belly pigs grow to 200lbs...

  5. Anonymous  

    Zuzana Giertlovà is basically the best person on the planet, and a superb "Pun"tifex Maximus! Great article!

  6. Anonymous

    This article is false, seeing as I am the one who roams campus with Gus, and he dies not live in campus housing. Good try folks, but keep asking around and I'm sure you can find me, or just ask Peter Sterne, one of your editors, because he knows me, as the rightful guardian of Gus on campus. Shameful reporting guys, the national enquirer will gladly hire you.

  7. Anonymous

    Victory beats Gustav...Broken Johnson fucks him

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