Oct

29

Profs Admit Defeat!

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The battle is won

All across campus people rejoice at the receipt of emails from sullen professors. Essays are pushed back and classes are cancelled. A dastardly few, however, plan to force students to attend “online seminars” through Courseworks or some such wizardry.

From some of our fav professors:

Lit Hum: I’m holed up in my apartment with my research, your midterms, and a slow-cooker full of vegetarian chili, and I’m more than willing to write emails back and forth to you

Julie Crawford: Classes are indeed canceled. Papers however can be delivered to a safe house upstate. Just kidding.

Dean Awn: As you may or may not know, New York is paralyzed by any kind of vaguely extreme weather event. That kind of weather is supposed to occur only in Oklahoma, which, in some sense, deserves it. Yes, New Yorkers are wimps; yes we are pathetic, arrogant blowhards…but we are always very trendy, which is much more important.

Creative Writing Department: The weather outside is supposed to be frightful / I hope where you are is delightful

Puccini & the 20th Century: Stay dry! And if you find yourselves stranded in Brooklyn without an adequate supply of red wine and protein bars, feel free to let me know.

And the worst: Since tomorrow’s lecture has also been canceled, you will need to submit your midterm exam online via the Courseworks site for our class.

Defeat via Shutterstock

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19 Comments

  1. Anonymous

    <<<<<<<<<< Research paper due at 6pm via email

  2. Anonymous  

    today I had a midterm due at 4 pm, and 2 hour online chatroom....

  3. Van Owen  

    If your power is out then you won't be able to submit anything electronically. Yeah, that's what I'm going with.

  4. CC 14  

    Orgo lab reports due on turnitin. Mandatory make up class on a friday.

  5. Anonymous

    Students are supposed to hide at safe places. Doing homework in front of your computer may endanger your life.

  6. Foundations of American Lit  

    "No class tomorrow: Prezbo says it's too windy to learn."

  7. Angry Classmate

    Someone in our class requested extra work for our cancelled lecture tomorrow. The professor was thrilled to send us all an additional assignment (missing lecture notes included)!

  8. Anonymous  

    Frontiers lecture cancelled. Make us listen to a podcast of an old one.

  9. Anonymous  

    All of Columbia is praying for a power outage.

  10. Dean Awn followup  

    I am sure that you are wracked with grief. Your keening and wailing are like twenty Greek choruses whose voices spring from all over Manhattan and, dare I say, the outer boroughs and New Jersey. Hamartia is everywhere, even in Low Library. Yes, the news you have just heard is true. Classes have been cancelled for yet another day, Tuesday. We must remain, like Antigone, sealed in our tombs, lamenting the death of our beloved intellects. There must be some cause for this chaos on land and sea. I suspect it must be a dean, but only Apollo knows. Where is the gaseous Pythia when we need her?


    Do not, however, become complacent or you will end up, figuratively speaking, sitting on top of a tree in a gender-bending outfit. No, work on your papers since now you have absolutely no excuse for not handing them in on Thursday.


    On Thursday, we will discuss Thucydides. The Lysistrata will have to wait until next Thursday. Remember, next Tuesday, Election Day, is a holiday. So VOTE!


    Stay safe and sober,

    Peter Awn

  11. CC - John H McWhorter -  

    "Unexpected off days of these kinds were always the occasion for eccentric and/or memorable events, I recall from my own college days. Stay dry but enjoy"

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