Nov

17

Drinking with Bwog: Thanksgiving Preparations

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Parental supervision advised

With midterms and scheduling out of the way, let’s raise a toast to the fact that Thanksgiving is just around the corner. Even if your professor assigns a paper/problem set/project due next Wednesday, you can still join us. Bwog shows you how it’s done:

Pregaming your trip home:

  • Take a shot of whiskey every time your mom calls to confirm your flight information.
  • Drink a can of beer for every canned food that you aren’t donating to charity.
  • Drink a fifth of whiskey if you miss your flight/bus ride.
Upon arrival:
  • Drink… nothing… if you forgot your fake.
  • Drink a shot of whiskey if you’ll be sleeping on anything other than your own bed.
  • Drink a fifth of whiskey if your room has been converted into a home office, a gym, a study, etc.
  • Drink a glass of wine if your pet does not recognize you.
At the dinner table:
  • Take a shot for every relative who asks you how a major in comparative race and ethnic studies is going to get you a job.
  • Drink however much red wine you can drink in an Adele song for each time you’re asked if you are “still single.”
  • Drink (something) if you have to eat a “tofurkey” this year.
  • Drink three fingers of bourbon for everyone who calls it “The Big Apple.”
Around town:
  • Drink a six-pack when you realize you are walking faster than everyone.
  • Give a mini wine bottle to every service provider (gas station employee, bagel shop manager, manicurist) who remembers you.
  • Take one shot for every high school classmate you run into at the mall/diner.
  • Drink three-shot pregame in the parking lot for every high school reunion brunch you’re socially pressured to go to.
  • Drink an entire box of Franzia for every “throwback game” of Kings you’re pressured into playing with high school friends.
Of course, drink everything you’ve got if you’ll be spending Thanksgiving alone. Rest assured, Bwog will dispatch its army of highly trained masseuses to keep you company.

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5 Comments

  1. CC'13  

    and to the freshman out there: drink a celebratory flute of champagne after you admirably perform the Turkey Dump

  2. anonymous  

    ok to round masseuses to prostitutes?

  3. shrinking violet  

    Bwog. I'm sorry to be that person, but did you mean " trained" ?

  4. Anonymous  

    wait why is so hysterical am i drunk or is this actually the funniest thing to be written ever

  5. I'm shocked, simply shocked...

    "Rest assured, Bwog will dispatch its army of highly trained masseuses to keep you company." Is it the Stressbusters?

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