Feb

24

Nowhere Is Safe

Written by

If you're into that sort of thing

If you’re into that sort of thing

It has recently come to Bwog’s attention that the NYPD is hot on the trail of a new criminal in Morningside Heights: @columbiamakeout. [email protected] has been on the loose since February 7th and is gaining power as more and more people come to her aid. ¬†Mayor Bloomberg has warned that anybody harboring the criminal will be punished with full force of law and will also be charged with obstruction to justice. ¬†According to confidential NYPD reports uncovered by Bwog,[email protected] has been breaking and entering throughout the neighborhood and committing major theft: stealing moments.

Much like hacker group Anonymous,[email protected] appears to be a network of individuals working towards a common goal, though one person is at the head. ¬†This system makes accomplices less liable as they are not committing the final act of theft; they are charged as accessories. [email protected] recently broadcast a message that their criminal action is for the good of the people. ¬†It is unclear, however, exactly [email protected]’s impulse is—is she trying to slutshame those she steals from to keep the PDA to a minimum, or celebrate open sexuality in a Lena-Dunham-bare-all world?

The most startling part of this entire operation is [email protected] has been infiltrating places once thought to be safe havens full of drunk idiots benevolent souls who would just make fun of them for a week keep their secrets safe. ¬†Instead, their moments are taken and immortalized online and in the Library of Congress. ¬†These places include the Heights, Mels, Cannons, and EC. ¬†Morningside Heights residents are warned to keep an eye out [email protected] and put a lock on their late night trysts when left unattended.

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11 Comments

  1. Anonamoose  

    This may be the most unfunny thing I've ever read on Bwog.

  2. Borat  

    I like this idea very much. High five!

  3. Lena is Dumbum  

    Bear all?

  4. but actually...  

    this is kind of creepy.

  5. A+++  

    It took me two paragraphs to realize that this was supposed to be some sort of joke. or something. because like, its a webpage, but it's similar to a criminal. in that, whatever.
    But it's labeled with a "SATIRE SATIRE SATIRE" tag. so it's like, satire.

  6. i don't understand  

    what is this *satire* of? successful jokes?

  7. skinny g  

    this is actually the most ridiculously disgusting and violating things I've seen in a while. who the fk had a lightbulb turn on in their head and think "you know what would be great?"

    wtf is this.

  8. Anonymous  

    "Much like hacker group Anonymous, @columbiamakeout appears to be a network of individuals working towards a common goal, though one person is at the head."

    So...it's much like ANY GROUP OF PEOPLE THAT HAS EVER FORMED?

    Come on, Bwog. Put those University Writing skills to use.

  9. This is kinda like...  

    ...that scene from Love Actually.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cUoxXpqof8A

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