Mar

6

Thief Using Crutches on the Loose!

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He can't escape quickly with that guise!

He can’t escape quickly with that guise!

Two people turned from innocent studiers to victims of laptop theft between 2:00 and 2:30 this afternoon, warns Public Safety. The thief, using a pair of crutches, first struck the 4th floor of SIPA, and then Avery. A tipster informs us that the man was deliberately “acting all sick/about to faint and sat on the ground for a while. And was just creepy in general.”

This was the same man who stole a wallet from Kent a few weeks ago, but he wasn’t using crutches at the time. We see right through you and your slippery ways, thieving fiend. In the meantime, call Public Safety (212-854-5555) if you see the guy, and don’t trust fake-crippled men. He shouldn’t be too hard to catch if he wants to keep his most likely stolen props.

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8 Comments

  1. AGAIN

    I said it last time, I'll say it again: Nobody ever said he WASN'T a student wearing a fake mustache!

    Look out for the man in the picture under BOTH the assumptions that (1) he is not a student and is a creepy random NY'er who looks exactly like that and (2) he IS a student and is wearing a fake mustache and does NOT look like that (in this case, imagine someone you know who would look like that with a fake mustache)

  2. AGAIN

    and why arent you nutsacks using laptop theft locks?! i always lock my shit up to double chairs (when not many people are in the room to use the chairs) or a bar on the table before i step out to take a shit or kiss my girlfriend bringing me fucking cookies at 2am before retiring to her bed

  3. Prof. Emlyn Hughes  

    now THIS is how you teach FroSci!

  4. speaking of frosci

    way back before i got into a relationship, i met this cute girl in frosci who asked me to tutor her in our other biology class

    so i did...

    thenn one night we got to evolutionary theory and i jokingly said "hey, want some hands on lab experience with breeding and evolving?" she said uh sure. i said "come back to my dorm tonight. i can show you what this chapter is talking about"

    needless to say i never saw her again.

  5. Tipster  

    He may be working with a femal accomplice who helps him get past security, just so you all know.

  6. SEAS Finance Quant

    This guy should start a hedge fund. Here's how:

    1) Investor/client 'invests' $100: $20 for makeup, $20 for clothes, $40 for used crutches, $20 to a barnard girl to sign him in.

    2) Use advanced algorithms and Markov modeling to create a single score to figure out the probability of winning a successful steal using: Time of day, number of students in library, number of students more likely to be too busy to care about surroundings, is/is not midterm week, the likelihood of more expensive Mac laptops (this is done by a first-year analyst standing outside butler to watch how many hipsters go in), and market price of a typical mac laptop on ebay.

    3) When conditions are met, move in for the trade.

    4) He steals $1200 laptop.

    5) Payoff: 80/20. Investor makes $240 revenue, with a $140 profit.


    Crutch Capital Group. Now taking summer interns.

  7. ugh  

    *thieves guys come on

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