May

5

Mysterious Whiskey Drinker Leaves His/Her (Maker’s) Mark

Written by

Fuck you, whiskey!
Fuck you, whiskey!

I don’t always drink whiskey, but when I do, I charge it on other people’s tabs.

At one of the many formals last night, a mysterious whiskey drinker charged his/her beverages on someone else’s tab.  The victim spoke out this morning in an email to all of the formal’s attendees, and Bwog was more than happy to publicly shameson this Mr. or Mrs. Jameson. The email below:

Dear whomever charged $60.00 worth of whiskey on my tab last night,

WHY?!

Did you think I wouldn’t notice? I don’t drink whiskey. I only drink beer. You seriously chose a bad person to attribute your classy drinking habits to. Whiskey tastes like death to me.

Seriously. I only. Drink. Beer. I am a cheap cheap drunk. I am seriously like secretly from a trailer park.

Moreover yes—I get drunk. Easily and often. I often get so drunk that I do things like pee myself, or confess my love to random people, or start speaking in tongues, or yell about Jesus, or get angry when people don’t know the lyrics to Genie In A Bottle.

But I am a Jew.

I would never (gasp) get so drunk as to blindly sign a check at a bar without throughly making sure I ingested all these delectable drinks for which I am being charged.

Lucky for you, mr./mrs., I am pretty. And after looking at my check I (very drunkenly, in slurred speech) told the bartender that I didn’t drink that much. Obviously, he didn’t believe me and laughed in my face. I then told him I had a medical condition (?????) that made me only able to drink beer. Now he believed me. Or did he? He took the charges off and I only payed for the 2 Stellas that I had drunk.

Success. Another example of the patriarchy, am I right? What if I had not been an attractive young woman with dark lipstick, mysterious drinker? Then I would have totally had to pay and my parents would be confused when I had a $75 tab on my credit card.

So it goes.

Lchaim my amigos.

 I’ll have a whiskey on the rocks and a lack of morals please via Shutterstock

Tags: , ,

34 Comments

  1. Anonymous  

    "and my parents would be confused when I had a $75 tab on my credit card."

    *shudders*

  2. the number of things wrong with this email  

    IS TOO DAMN HIGH

  3. Another Jew

    You only get to brag about your spendthrift ways if you're helping everyone save some cash. If you're pushing anything you buy onto the 'rents you're just being cheap. Being thrifty isn't one of the Ten Commandments. Respecting your parents is.

  4. oh god

    this is awful. she should have had to pay for the whiskey. she sounds like a turd.

  5. Anonymous  

    This was sent out to the listserv of people who went to the formal. Clearly the humor of it is going to be lost on the general public...

  6. Author of this Email  

    Hi! This email was a joke! Obviously!

  7. Anonymous  

    This is dumb and not funny. Get over yourselves. Come on, Bwog. Just because it happened to your friends doesn't make it funny to your readers.

  8. Anonymous  

    What is up with everyone saying "Get over yourselves"? What the fuck does that even mean? At most it seems like a pricky, effortless way of dismissing something.

  9. Anonymous

    Haters gonna hate

  10. Blunts in Butler  

    Dude why the fuck would you want to drink whiskey when you could just roll up a doobie? Even good shit doesn't cost $60.

  11. Anonymous

    this was fucking hilarious, mad props to the hot drunk incontinent jewish chick who wrote this

    • Anon  

      If you find her so annoying then why are you "friends" with her on Facebook?

    • My reading  

      Unless I'm just totally wrong (which happens sometimes) she is acknowledging she is very privileged, and is making fun of herself by exaggerating her arrogance. She's saying "I may be privileged in terms of money and looks, but I'm also sometimes cheap and obnoxious--I may be privileged, but that doesn't mean I'm better than non-privileged people."

      Or I'm wrong. Whatever. Either way she doesn't deserve this scorn.

  12. Anonymous

    **Dear whoever

  13. meow  

    You want patriarchy? It's Ms. Jameson, not Mrs. Jameson. Get with it, Bwog.

  14. CC '08

    Alum chiming in-- I like bwog enough to still check in periodically, but won't for much longer if this is considered newsworthy/funny/Bwog's place to post. No offense to the email's author intended, I just think Bwog should focus on more interesting happenings.

  15. Oy  

    ah, to think back to the days when Bwog was the place to go to if you wanted to know what was relevant on campus.

    Disappointingly nsurprised to see that they're only digging themselves deeper into this petty hole. This email just isn't worthy of being on the internet. Get back on track, Bwog.

  16. someone

    ...yo $15 for 2 stellas?

  17. El Moochado says  

    Your perpetrator is a rather large Asian man named Justin "The Moose Man Legend" Wong. The man drinks whisky like an animal. Nobody is safe from him.

    • Mooseman Hunter  

      Ah yes I had heard of this legendary beast many times--graying hunters used to swap stories about him at the old watering hole down on 108th and Broadway. Apparently he can often be seen grazing on pizza at Ferris Booth or rolling around in the grass on the lawn, listening to DMB. And, of course, he consumes many a handle of whiskey each week, sometimes hiding it in his cowboy boots. I actually saw him one winter night, stumbling down the street, and tried my best to bring the thing down. I fired 3 tranquilizer darts into his meaty backside but they barely penetrated his tough hide. He let out a hearty bellow before running off into the bushes near Cliffside Park. And so the legend grows...

© 2006-2015 Blue and White Publishing Inc.