May

6

PSA: Bloodthirsty Monsters

Written by

its eyes are safe if you look through a camera lens
they can unzip bags!

they can unzip bags!

As spring fully emerges, a new mutant breed of squirrels—created by ingesting the fertilizer in front of Butler—takes over campus as the first step in its quest for world domination. These squirrels have heightened mental and physical capacities, and have been terrorizing unsuspecting undergraduates. A few tipsters risked looking into the squirrels’ fatal beady eyes to take pictures and document the takeover. And so it begins.

Dear Bwog,
Today, a squirrel unzipped my backpack and attempted to retrieve a cookie from my bag. Though the squirrel was ultimately unsuccessful, I thought you should know they’re developing new skills.
Best,
[name removed to ensure protection from the squirrels]

Scampering away from the body of a teacher who gave him a C

scampering away from the body of a teacher who gave him a C

And another:

This guy has been spotted around campus over the past few days, stealing acorns, nibbling on grass, and shitting on people’s heads. He was last seen by Butler, just after hiding his latest murder victim in the trash can.

And a final one:
I personally spotted this thief beat up an entire CC class on the Hamilton lawn for this circular shaped nut thing. Caught red-handed, he tried to run into Hamilton to blend in with other students after, but I have documented it in picture form and suggest we post fliers up around campus warning of this threat to campus security.

The Varsity Show may have trivialized the importance of squirrel coverage on Bwog, but we want to remind you that squirrels aren’t always eating pizza—sometimes they’re eating brains, and you need those for finals. Stay safe and protect each other.

stealing Columbia's nuts!

stealing Columbia’s nuts!

its eyes are safe if you look through a camera lens

its eyes are safe if you look through a camera lens

getting bolder

getting bolder

"make haste, make haste!"

“make haste, make haste!”

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

10 Comments

  1. Anonymous  

    Like the vshow dude said, thank god Bwog exists to keep track of the squirrels

  2. lol

    stealing acorns, nibbling on grass, and... shitting on people’s heads.

    :p smh

  3. dirty mike

    bwog, you talk as if Columbia ever had nuts to steal. Columbia only has a lot of pussies. stay together and huddle like the little bitches that you are. on closer inspection that looks like a mexican/puerto rican squirrel. damn those fuckers.

  4. finally  

    the hard-hitting journalism bwog is famous for

  5. angry  

    BWOG PLEASE INVESTIGATE THE LACK OF COLLEGE DAYS THIS YEAR THANKS IT SUCKS

  6. Anonymous  

    oh come now, that squirrel nut photo clearly coulda been labeled "dangerous uber-squirrels have Columbia by the nuts." WHERE ARE YOUR JOURNALISTIC STANDARDS, BWOG?!

  7. Blunts in Butler  

    I was just tripping balls, minding my own business, and one of these monsters came up to me. I totally lost it. Ended up in a fucking straight jacket.

  8. Anonymous  

    Your comment is incredibly mean spirited.

© 2006-2015 Blue and White Publishing Inc.