May

7

Closing Remarks: Grad School, Dictators and Erotic Magic

Written by

Your professor, bringing their course home

Your professor, bringing their course home

So your classes are over, and all you’ve got left are the memories of the bizarre things your professors said, as well as a pile of notes and readings and a looming final exam. Here are some of those classic closing remarks that Bwog has gathered.

Paige West: “[after giving normal concluding remarks] *thinks for a moment as if she forgot what she wanted to say next* Oh yeah. I always tell my students — safe sex.”

Tyler Bickford, CC, part 1:“If you guys are ever in places of policy making position, like the Fed or something, please somehow increase the demand for jobs for talented people. This way, all of us can take fewer classes, chill out, and live our life like it’s summer camp.”

Tyler Bickford, CC, part 2: “Some advice: Don’t go spouting off about Aristotle and Kant. It’s not actually a cool thing to do.”

Sunil Gulati, part 1: “[on his daughter’s birth] And I think, why am I in the delivery room? It seemed to me like my contribution to the effort had been completed some months earlier.”

Sunil Gulati, part 2: “I surprised my grandma on Christmas Eve, and I thought I was so nice. She’s a Hindu—she couldn’t give a shit.”

Hlonipha Mokoena, Africa and the Anthropologist: “I want to see you on TV in 20 years and say “oh that used to be a student of mine…now he’s a dictator”…but please, don’t murder/kill anyone.”

Philip Kitcher, Finnegans Wake, part 1: “This is assuming something of the quality of Alcoholics Anonymous. ‘I’m a recovering Finnegans Wake reader.'”

Philip Kitcher, part 2: “Was this worth 14 weeks of your life?”

Stephen Edwards, Fundamentals of Computer Systems: “[talking about the final exam] It’s my last chance in my life to torture you guys, so why would I let you go early?”

Alexander Alberro, In and Around Abstract Expressionism: [At the end of class, after discussing Joseph Beuys’ work and specifically his piece ”Merda d’artista” (literal Italian for ”artist’s shit”; a canned, labeled and weighed tin of the artist’s poop)] “Well, at the end of the semester, I suppose this little can of doo-doo will have to do.”

Anna Catarina Musatti, Principles of Economics: “Europeans, with all due respect, are not as smart as Americans.”

George Saliba, Contemporary Islamic Civilizations: “Do not apply to an M.A. program. They do not all pay you. Apply directly to the Ph.D. You are intelligent human beings! You deserve to go to school and get paid for it. Society owes you!…Do not take a year off and go to Paris. You can go to Paris after graduate school.”

Edward Mendelson part 1: “[in reference to professors who end up in closing remarks posts] how can I end a course without becoming one of them?”

Edward Mendelson, Modern British Literature, part 2: “There’s a terrible fantasy in America, I think only in America, that if you really mess up you can just go to California and start over. And this is true insofar as you are not a person.”

Dianne Scullin, TA for Terrence D’Altroy part 1: “So we found a penis during my first excavation. It was very lifelike in size too!”

Dianne Scullin, TA for Terrence D’Altroy part 2: “There’s no way the Moche made the bobblehead blowjob figurine and didn’t even smile.”

Helene Foley, Gender and Sexuality in Ancient Greece: “I have a feeling that we all use a little erotic magic ourselves sometimes, but I’m not going to give mine away.”

Air traffic controller via Shutterstock, and closing remarks via readers like you!

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18 Comments

  1. #Foley Fan  

    Helene Foley is, hands down, the best professor, teacher, and mentor I've had in four years of university.

  2. Dan Rubenstein  

    Hey Bwog,

    Guess what? I'm not teaching Fundamentals of Computer Systems this year. Get your shit straight.

    Sincerely,
    Stephen Edwards

  3. tyler bickford  

    best cc prof ever. BEST.

  4. Blunts in Butler  

    "I'm tripping balls right now!" - Lee C. Bollinger

  5. Robert Amdur  

    "First of all, you don't smoke peyote"

  6. To answer Philip Kitcher  

    No

  7. Tyler Bickford  

    "Please help me get on that professor quote thing on BWOG. Make something up if you have to"

    Best.cc.prof.

  8. Gulati's joke  

    is a rip-off of a famous Woody Allen joke.

  9. Tyler Bickford  

    Man I'm gonna miss Tyler.

  10. inspiring (depressing)  

    Elliot Paul (Introduction to Philosophy) - "The universe doesn't give a damn about what happens in your life or when it ends."

  11. GSAS '14

    An adviser in undergraduate school gave me the same advice as Professor Saliba here. While it was sound on the surface, if one doesn't have the requisite research and language experience, one just isn't going to get into a PhD. program. I found that out the hard way!

  12. Dear Tyler,  

    You fulfilled your Columbia potential and are on Bwogs closing remarks. You're welcome. We love you.

    -Every CC Section You've Ever Had

  13. Dan Rubenstein  

    Hey Stephen,

    Thanks for looking out for me-- you should come to my igloo sometime ;)

    http://www.wikicu.com/images/thumb/d/d3/EdwardsMcDonalds.jpg/800px-EdwardsMcDonalds.jpg

    Sincerely,

    Dan Rubenstein

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