Nov

10

PE Madness: Sweet 16

Written by

OH GOD NO

As registration gets closer, Bwog gets more nervous about what PE class to take. So we set to work immediately to narrow down the Sweet 16.

Round Two Results:

OH GOD NO

Ok well we’re running out of space on this piece of paper but we’ve already determined that doing this by hand was the shittiest idea we’ve ever had, so. Sticking it out.

Weird (top left):

  • In the choice between sitting in a hot tub or sitting on a ski lift, hot tub wins. Moreover, in the choice between falling down a mountain or falling off a diving board…ok well that diving shit is terrifying but also Greg Louganis is still the greatest human being so we’re going with diving, ok?
  • We’ve heard kayaking is a lot of kayaking around the swimming pool, which just sounds silly. But this hiking thing sounds awesome!

Back to Summer Camp (top right):

  • In a contentious debate among the staff, basketball eventually won out. We’re guessing it had something to do with fear that if we celebrate a win in baseball, we’ll be kicked out of housing.
  • Listen, we love soccer, don’t get us wrong, but our friend (who may or may not be Actual Soccer Fan) just told us last night that he’s in PE soccer now and they have to go outside and all the way up to Baker until the end of the winter semester and that sounds miserable and freezing cold so just for that we’re sticking inside with volleyball. Damn the elements!

Masturbatory (bottom left):

  • We’ve heard all good things about cardio fitness (especially in terms of the ‘go sign in and then leave’ anecdotes), but pilates is all about The Core. Pilates wins.
  • Let’s take a moment to talk about the baggage that comes with yoga:
  1. Lululemon.
  2. Getting judged for taking yoga.
  3. Teacher wearing short shorts = balls in your face, without your consent.
  4. Cerebellum.
  5. Sudden craving for Trader Joe’s kale.
  6. Instructor spouting mystical pseudo-scientific ideas.
  7. Need for toddler-like flexibility.
  8. Weird parts of body start aching.
  9. Keeping a straight face when asked to keep your face down and ass up to do a downward dog.
  10. Cultural appropriation.
  • So yeah, self-paced running beats yoga.

Cathartic:

  • Bwog thought badminton vs. squash would be a contentious rivalry, but everyone we asked unanimously picked badminton. Probably has something to do with that random middle “n” or the fear of getting hit in the face in squash/having to wear goggles ew gross no.
  • Okokok, karate is great. Kicking things is awesome. But can we please just get back to the Olympics? Fencing (and most other sport) classes are taught by the actual team coach, which means you’re getting taught by the same dude WHO BASICALLY TRAINS OLYMPIANS. Also the Parent Trap!!! And Paris Geller!!! But mostly the Olympics. We cry everytim. Love you, Shin. This cathartic win is for you.

And that’s it for Round Two! What will happen in Round Three? Will it be bball or vball? Will badminton beat our Olympic obsession? How does the strength of The Core measure up against self-paced running? What happens when Bwog runs out of space on this piece of paper? And once again: who let us do this by hand? Find out next time.

[Sidebar: in the midst of writing this, we remembered that the swim test exists. Don’t forget to take it.]

Editor’s note: all decisions are made with absolute subjectivity, based mostly on stereotype and anecdotal testimonials.

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7 Comments

  1. squash  

    can someone explain what the "middle 'n'" referred to is? did the author mean "the T"?

  2. Anonymous  

    Where's golf?

  3. FENCING ALL THE WAY  

    I had Coach Michael, and he is absolutely one of the nicest people I've met at Columbia. He's really committed to people learning about and enjoying the sport. You start from the basics and by the end you're sparring in suits hooked up to counter. Afterwards, you know all the lingo and etiquette and can completely follow along with games on TV. Beats tossing around a shuttlecock, imho,

  4. alum

    Cheerleading isn't an actual PE class. It's just there so that members of the cheer and dance teams can get PE credit for the organized exercise they're already getting several times a week.

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